the light

meet like kids

have you ever noticed how adults have such a way about meeting each other? so polite, so expected.

kids don’t meet each other. they feel each other out. they play together.

these things have changed a lot for me. meeting adults on my own, more and more i have to be polite, expected when i used to be able to just ignore, be anonymous. i remember it wasn’t too long ago when i was feeling people out, acknowledging only when it was forcibly unavoidable.

i think that all lovers should meet like kids. or see each other as kids. talk to each other like kids. i said lovers.

i dunno.

anyway

i wish that people would be more frank and less awkward. i mean, in general.

emptiness

i feel empty when i hurt people. when i do something wrong to someone. yeah it’s emptiness. when i can’t give someone what they want. everyone wants something, sometimes people want things from me. i feel bad when i can’t give it. i feel empty.

it sounds ridiculous right? i don’t think people ordinarily grow up expecting people to want things from them. i didn’t. i grew up anonymously. i enjoyed it, a lot. at some point names became important, gossip, reputation. for what? to whom? if i look back to myself as a child, he still doesn’t care about names, about gossip, reputation. some pure happiness. it’s like growing up and knowing, learning about new people and things. double-edged sword.

emptiness is a real thing. people take their emotions for granted. and their soul, and passion. people take it for granted and chug along, work everyday and lose their peace. so goal-oriented they forget themselves. i admit, it’s me. it’s me.

the soul is important. it guides and motivates. it has vision. vision to see where to go, vision to see right through people.

i don’t like to hurt people. sometimes i wish i didn’t have to get mixed up with anyone. that i could stay anonymous. it’s fine when you’re a child and then just gets so lonely. loneliness, one of those stupid made up things. people go crazy in their loneliness. i mean, i went crazy in my loneliness. because everyday is a question. will i be lonely at the end of today? will someone fill this void and emptiness? will i find peace again? and if you think of all the possibilities. you dream it to happen in a certain manner. you make up this wonderful dream about how your life will change one day and how everything will just fall into place. simply, exactly. just wait and wait for it to happen simply and exactly like that. it feels so good to hope for amazing things in the presence of emptiness. filling yourself.

but everything is just as it is. it sucks when a dream is much harder to realize than you want it to be. when you think you should have found it, to force other people to see it.

dreams are so abstract how could you even write one down? and this is what happens, vague memories of some dream, some childish happy desire. you start to conflate real life into your dream, walking this seemingly familiar path. like what you’ve always wanted and what is real is actually the same, you take the first step. really hard first step. midway through nothing looks like it should. i won’t be one to say that all people are heartless, dreamless. i will say that people can be stubborn, short-sighted, impatient. i guess that is the worst thing, confusing real-life and your dream and i guess that is the toughest thing, recognizing your true dream. your true peace. your true happiness. just words, these things are really all so abstract. i’m without great words to describe how hope feels and how faith feels and how love feels.

find a place to store your dreams, find a place to keep your head safe and to remember who you are, if you kno who you are. stay with the right people, store your dreams in the right people, in the right song, in the right picture, memory. words and real life will only take you so far. you have to remember these things until you find them in the real world. most people forget. for most people 30 years pass and wonder where all the days went.

and i’m empty. it empties me out to hurt someone. because you walk away from them and they disappear. i am just starting to really feel how rarely people get along. there is so much hate and competition between people.

but you know who is emptier? people with dollar signs in their eyes. people who pine for money. paper money. whose dream is to become rich, live comfortably. such an empty road. these people are so helpless, so lost and sad. you find nothing at the end of it, except your paper money and plastic tits. imagine if at the end of the road you found yourself. in high fidelity, crystal clear, peaceful and wise.

my secret life

yeah right! as if the title of this post would be “my secret life” and i would actually write about my secret life in my blog. you must have gone crazy to believe such wild outlandish fantasies.

so about five minutes ago i thought about it and i think i have a secret life. of course i would say something like, it’s not just me, it’s probably everyone. everyone and their secret lives. i guess it’s okay that people do things alone that no one else knows about. i can even imagine the need to go very far from everyone and everything and be alone. something like independence, or a social abnormality? i dunno, most people seem like social abnormalities to me anyway.

things are good. though this kind of saddens me. i don’t have so much to write about anymore. at least not things that are worth sharing with anonymous. i don’t have a problem saying that the majority of my writings on this blog were complaints dressed up as objective observation. why does it have to be like that??? i just want to write about unicorns, lollipops and rainbows but i know that would just make everyone nauseous. oh well. i guess i’ll be happy in my secret life.

so what’s worth writing about? well i am starting to see the end of this trough in the never ending wave of life and i can finally feel my second derivative approaching zero. hurray. so maybe a series about what i’ve learned about life this time around before i start to ride the crest once again.

everything bad happens all at once. everything started to fall apart, it was like one horrible thing after another. so bad that i saw life differently. and at first it was like, just anything. random events that are out of your control. things that you can’t physically change. disaster like that is hard for someone who is new to misfortune but eventually you get over it and start to understand the ways of the world. so these things keep happening but then just as you thought it couldn’t get any worse, betrayal. betrayal in your face. people who were supposed to care about you, and who you depended on for care, leave you out in the dust, stab you in the back, treat you as if you aren’t worth acknowledging or apologizing to. and that happens one after the other too. none of your friends call you, no one answers your calls, your emails, it’s as if the whole world is turning its back on you in some organized plot. and that’s it. everything sucks and now you have no one. no one to understand, no one to talk to.

but of course this is exaggerated. these are local minima and maxima, not exactly everything goes to shit. you either have your body, your brain, something. something is left or else you would die. and this is when you realize this. you feel like a victim but you know you’re not a victim all that is left is to face acceptance and to just let go everything you’ve lost. everything comes and goes, nobody is perfect, you live and you die. such hard things for a young person to accept. the light flickers and acceptance is a heavy weight on you. a constant reminder. freedom to live again but you have to give it all up, live anew. not so easy, it’s a heavy weight. to be different and start different, empty, new and forget, just deal with it. inspiration is so far, life is so hopeless, day in, day out. just dealing.

and it goes like this for a while. dealing, learning, accepting, surviving, adapting. it goes like this for a long while. you harden up. get strong again. not necessarily happy but not unhappy. living, breathing, eating, working. making it, adapting. new world, not a fairy tale. nothing impresses you and you don’t expect much from anyone. you sleep and you wake up and talk to yourself most of the day, my new secret life. this is the time when i loved to write in my blog, when i wrote the best things i could think of. new feelings, new lessons, new confusion. when i was stagnant and wading through. learning, adapting.

this light is annoying

okay so at first i was a fan of this standing glow tower ikea lamp thing but really now it just bugs me. it’s like always glowing and not really moving. not really that bright. i feel like i should be in the jungle getting shwiggity with the rest of the avatars but NO. it’s just my room, there are no hot avatars in sight, this isn’t the space jungle.

i had a fast weekend. fast and long. strange how that works. im glad it’s over, in a way. i wasn’t really planning on feeling anything extraordinary at the end of this weekend anyway. i went out each day, drank freely, smoked freely, ate freely, thought freely. i think about my younger self and his ideal weekends, or ideal life. hah.

i spent my sunday working obsessively on my parsec-based C parser. let me tell you that parsing C is nowhere near as easy as writing it. it’s surprising to me how unnecessarily loose C syntax is. but i guess the problem isn’t so much parsing as much as it is canonicalizing the abstract syntax tree. i figured that since i have to write a smart parser to deal with the first/follow conflict due to typedefs syntactically being the same as identifiers, i might as well have a way to deal with the arbitrary ordering of keywords in the declarations. but lkajsdfjgjajsdf indefinite array types are also another weird quirk. if you’re left asking the question “but parsing C for what reason?” oh you’ll see.

i just wish that things wouldn’t go so quickly. i guess all that is left now is for me to pick up the pieces of my old shattered life and grow the fuck up. i can do that.

in the mood

ouch! just poked myself with a power plug.

happy saturday. the weather was nice today. i got up so late. even though i had lots of fun on thursday and friday this has probably been one of the most hectic / stressful weeks since i’ve been in san francisco. but enough about san francisco!

i’m really just glad it’s saturday. i’m happy to finally arrange my furniture and put my clothes away. and all my things. i have so many little trinkets. it’s tough to find new homes for all of them. lots of papers and drawings by people i used to know on a daily basis. now very very very very very rarely do i ever see them. yes this is the adult life. so free-form and open to possibility, sort of. on the surface. in theory.

it’s like everyone’s birthday all of a sudden. january, february, march, april, may. birthdays like crazy. i like it.

okay fine. i really don’t have much to say right now. i probably shouldn’t say anything. i really only just like to type. i like the motions of my fingers gliding, pressing, tactile feedback. it’s a good feeling but without anything real to say it’s pretty worthless. i need to change the design of this blog. it’s starting to bug me. it made more sense when i was flying across the country every month. 72,000 miles a year. it’s funny how long distances are so trivial these days. i wouldn’t be impressed until the numbers were in the millions mwahaha

okay i’m done. you look to me like misty roses.

but i really do

the feeling of being needed is nice. it’s hard to let someone know you need them in the right way. it’s hard to accept being needed in the right way. hard is not the right word =) i guess i mean unlikely. it’s unlikely that it happens that way.

my new place is nice. i’m enjoying my bed in such new ways. somehow it feels bigger and it feels softer. and when i lay on it i want to instantly fall asleep. it might have to do with the fact that i’ve been so exhausted lately. too many random things happening.

that’s it for now. never was a big fan of spring.

can’t sleep

where do I start?

okay so my last post was really negative. I know. hard to understand where my mind was or why I was focused on all those unimportant negative things. it’s just that sometimes I get discouraged about everything. all at once. must be human.

well it’s really easy to get discouraged by just about everything. it’s also really easy not to. I don’t have everything I want and I’m not the most ideal person right now. I try and try but sometimes I feel like I’m trying but I’m really not. there are certain things in life that are like roadblocks. number one roadblock is a telephone call. distance is difficult.

I’m getting older. ugh I know I mention this all the time but it’s just so strange. responsibility, planning, direction. it’s just so strange. I mostly just feel like I’m in a strange position for my age. it’s very new fuck

that’s the thing now. everything is so new. things that I don’t want to be new. but they’re new, new in my face. and I look back to old blog entries and I can’t believe that I’ve already said it all and I think about the people that used to read. I’m like the only one who reads this now. it’s cause I suck at the telephone or keeping in touch in general. you know what else I suck at these days? email. I’m so horrible at email. I forget to email people all the time, people that I really care about.

I’m spending my last night in my apartment. this also makes me feel weird. I’ve been here for a year and a half and I’ve never really have known happiness or comfort in this place. now that I’m moving out I kind of feel like a failure. mostly because I’ve been living here for so long. I should have just moved out months ago. and I wonder how many other things in my life am I not paying attention to. i think about crap like that all the time. what am I lacking? what do I not yet know I’m lacking? what do I not yet know that I need? kids don’t think about stuff like that. why should I? why do I always have to be so prepared?

anyway better late than never. so true. I was walking down the street today and this homeless guy said to be “better to pretend to be dumb than to pretend to be smart” god what a fucking weirdo. why is he so caught up with pretending. as if everyone is pretending. sure, you’re right. everyone is pretending. in fact everyone is repeating the same patterns they’ve known since they were children, great observation.

my point is that it’s not even February 2010 anymore and I was done talking before February 2009 was even over. and now it’s suddenly a time warp and I’m moving and it’s like I never even lived in my current place. because nothing has changed and something was wrong. also I get irrationally attached to weird things. must be human.