the light

you’re making a fool of yourself

it’s sad how much more often i have the urge to say this to people lately. people are always saying such nerdy, unfunny, or inconsequential things. i want to say “you don’t have to be so unfunny” or “you don’t have to use an exclamation mark there” or “you don’t have to be so unfunny, really.” even though it’s the fastest way to make your life completely meaningless, i like twitter because it shows you how meaningless everyone else’s life is. well i guess meaningless is a little harsh, pathetic is a better word.

we have this big life to live. it’s so big it’s hard to avoid how confusing it all is. how foolish you must be to pretend that you aren’t confused. and if you’re not pretending, well then you are just very short-sighted or stupid because look around you. none of it really makes any sense, everything you claim to know is just a figment of your puny imagination. okay here let me demonstrate:

i am good at this
and he is good at that
i am good at this because it is easy for me
and he is good at that because teacher says so
i like that i am good at this one little thing
i feel good when people notice that i am good at this
i feel bad when people notice him for being good at what i am good at
because i do this, i cannot be good at that
and because he does that he shouldn’t be good at this
i am good at this
and he is good at that

it’s this whole cog-mentality that bothers me. it’s just like, why is everyone so fucking uptight? why is everyone such a fucking lemming? why is everyone’s mind so closed and single-tracked and weird? what is even stranger to me is that i am 24 and these things aren’t children’s quirks anymore. adults are fucked up. grown people shouldn’t be so devoid of originality and independent thought and rationality, right?

it’s been such a long time

okay so

everything is meaningful you fool!

“you’ll forget about me after i’ve been gone”

it’s a boston lyric. i used to think about it constantly when i moved to san francisco. i was worried about my girlfriend (now EX) forgetting about me. of course she did. integral person that she is. i mean a person full of integrity. but yeah what more can you expect from someone aged not more than 30, 25, 20. i think she was 21. still too young. me myself? well even though it makes me sound like a huge douchebag, or maybe even worse than that i think i was mature enough (despite me being aged 22 years) to handle a serious long distance relationship. hey! i was trying to live my life. i was trying to make a future.

i am still trying to make a future. i am still trying to trail-blaze. of course you don’t even fucking know. and it could make me sound like even bigger of a douchebag but i don’t think you even understand how. but that’s okay. i am still trying to trail-blaze i am still trying to make a future.

i am still here. trying. i am still here doing. getting there. and i think this is exactly where i thought i would at this point in my life. as for you, i do not know what you wanted where you wanted to be. and i think you still don’t know. does it matter what i thought, what i think? nonononono.

nono.

it does not matter.

anyway i love memories. i love past hopes. i love current situations. i love it i love it, i love it. i love the power that is in my own hands. i love it. the power that is in my own hands. do you even know?? do you even understand it? i do not think you do. i can envision it, see it. i see it. i see.

okay sorry masturbated for a second.

anyway,

i haven’t posted for some time now. what is new with me? well, i do a lot more impersonations these days! i love impersonations. it’s one of the greatest things to do. to capture a person in a voice. it’s so fun. what else is fun? knowing a person. kissing is fun.

what else?

i am not so depressed as i used to be. i guess that is apparent by the decreased frequency of posts in this blog. sometimes i wonder if i should just stop. i don’t think i will. believe it or not this blog is not as vain as other blogs. it’s just words. i don’t delve into all the stupid adventures of my life like other people do. it’s just internal thoughts and internal struggles. those will continue, forever. even when i die.

by the way, do you ever think about death? it’s really scary. suddenly ending. suddenly never seeing tomorrow, no more possibilities, rotting into the ground. i think about it. years and years and years, i am not fully okay with it but the more that i think about the more that i think an after life must exist. i hope that you have thought about death and the afterlife. it’s not just crazy voodoo. the light means something in this context too.

congratulations if you’ve made it this far. by the other way, have you ever seen shin-chan?

choice

i want to say that

i was happier three years ago

because i truly was

but to say that would be like denying the happiness that i could have now

because none of it is real anyway just in my head

and i never want three years ago to be the peak of my life. it was all so dumb.

just some pretend feeling anyway

when we get together

i am so amazed by the wonderful things people can create!

you think it and then it becomes real. it becomes real.

by hyadain:

there’s no memory of my life.

i don’t even know how to love.

in the boundless world.

what’s the reason i’m alive?

you say humans have their emotions.

you i could be apparatus.

world is black and white

tell me reason why i’m alive.

how come my power is not the same as others?

where should i go?

i still wonder why i am alive.

there’s no memory of my life.

i don’t even know how to love.

in the boundless world,

what’s the reason i’m alive?

1991