the light

i stay awake

i had a dream about you.

that i was happy to have,

because i’ve missed you so badly.

but it’s annoying when there is absolutely nothing i can do to fix that.

:(

come back

ple@se?

and i miss you

january has been very weird. so weird. i’m glad it’s nearly over. so i can get on with february.

because february is the month of my birthday. yess.

oh great. birthdays actually suck now. everyone is getting older. my twenties are beginning to wane. ugh why is life so hard and depressing. don’t even try to argue with this.

lately i have been reading a lot of biographies on wikipedia. trying to relate myself in the myriad of success stories and failures. people do great things in their forties. my twenties feels like a relearning period, realizing that living a real life is hard. but that’s okay. it’s only so hard.

bye!

boring

it has been brought to my attention that my blog is officially BORING.

no no no you will not find a stubborn nor defensive personality here. i willfully admit that it also seems to me that it has become a CHORE to read.

the same things over and over and over and over again. i know, i’m sorry.

i’m over it. i really am. i have found happiness. even when i was the verge of becoming insecure and feeling sorry for myself again i opened my eyes and i found happiness. it’s no big thing when you realize that you’re your own worst enemy. when you have to accept that it’s impossible to be unhappy when happiness is staring you right in the face. i can mope, i really can but not when it’s so obviously my turn to be happy again. yay.

unfortunately you don’t share my happiness. someday i would hope that everyone could share in my happiness. when it really isn’t mine anymore. not sure if the human race is yet mature enough for that. like i would know.

for nothing

it’s weird how much you can end up doing for nothing. how much of yourself you can end up dedicating to nothing. absolutely nothing. i’m not saying i feel like that now but it’s something i’ve noticed about people and myself too, in the past.

i guess that’s part of life. living through endeavors that end up amounting to nothing. everyone has to go through it or they are the lucky ones that go through it earlier. it feels like anything you could put energy into while alive will end up amounting to nothing no matter what. what you build must eventually crumble. if you stop holding it up, working for it, who else will be there to keep it going? hmmm.

sometimes it can feel so right, so appropriate to obsess over something you care about. now i think that maybe this is mentally unhealthy behavior. maybe one should work toward building self-sustaining structures. things that take energy to start but don’t require sustained input to keep functioning. is this the key? maybe too much energy is unhealthy for you and the things you create. they say that too much of anything is a bad thing.

hah but yeah. i’m speaking very abstractly. as people we are constantly interacting with the external world. but i think it comes down to either building or destroying the world around us. the best builders build builders that build builders ad infinitum. propagation, self-replication. this is life right? replicating structures. being effective indirectly.

being a living thing, i’m inclined to believe that being productive is good. creation is good. life is good. everything that opposes that must be bad, in opposition to progress. life is good, death is bad. it’s weird how from these simple ideas so many complex ones emerge. analogies upon analogies, trying to understand the world around me.

so, concretely, wtf am i talking about? everything! everything you physically do. every action you take. everything you value to still exist while you exist. make sure they don’t become parasites, make sure they can live without you. because without you is an inevitability but existence is good, life is good.

anyway what i really wanted to talk about in this blog post was about how people get weirder and weirder as they turn into adults. but now i don’t think it’s that people get weirder, i think they just become better (more concrete) representations of themselves. basically what i am saying is that adults weird me out. i just don’t understand why they are so averse to change and new things and new people, you know? same shitty party.

at age 24 this is what i listen to

push push

speaking of communication inability

why were you never yourself with me?

speaking of insensitivity

i have been doing a pretty good job of falling deeper and deeper into obscurity. of pushing people away.

go me!

insensitive

yes!

i am insensitive!

yes! yes! yes!

but i’ve always known that i was. insensitive. how insensitive. i don’t know what it means to always be sensitive to your feelings. should i always concern myself with how i make you feel? couldn’t you just tell me how you feel? what you want? girls are weird when they like you. when they are vulnerable. it’s like they can’t communicate anymore. actually i don’t think girls ever usually communicate how they feel, in all circumstances. they just want you to act a certain way and be a certain way and meet some secret benchmark they have for you. if you meet it, well you’ll never really know because they’d never tell you anyway. if they did, then it would be revealed how much they liked you. if you fall short, well then see ya! and you ask, what is it? what is it??? nothing, nothing. it’s never anything.

fine. why concern myself with how you feel if it’s never anything. you never feel anything, you never want anything, you’re never upset. why should i be sensitive if you’ve never given me any reason to be sensitive?

communication is a big problem for people. how shy and insecure can you yet be? the question is, what are you so afraid of?

i always pick the nice ones. the nice open ones. we talk about everything. i stroke her hair. she warns me before she gets upset at me, she tells me when i upset her. i warn her before i get upset at her, i tell her when she upsets me. she listens when i explain myself, i listen when she explains herself. we love each other.

<3

welll i am also just this thing you know. i am just this walking thing. smiling.

oh my god there were times in my life when i was so stupid. so so stupid. mistakes drip from my mouth. i hate to feel like i was learning. i am learning. well i think there are a lot of things to learn. one time you asked me if it felt like a waste of time. so happy that i said it wasn’t. i felt it wasn’t, even when it was. i feel like maybe it could be a lesson about the power of the human mind.

well i wish someone would decode.

decode decode

decode….

dec.

i loved december. loveddddddd december. i’m so sad that december 2009 is over.

okay so fuck FUCK

i used to love blogging. but who gives a fuck! seriously. i can’t even imagine my children reading this shit because who gives a fuck really. who am i even writing for anymore? none of this is private. none of it means anything anyway. it’s not like i give you my heart, it’s not like you trust my opinions, it’s not like anything.

toda meia noite eu sonho com você

for fun

post post

okay okay

so i realize

in a way.

but so scared. such a scardy.

btu i expected scardiness. fear might be a better word. i fear things. scary scary things. i read other writings, think about other people. everything i write is so neutral and boring. memories.

how strange would it be if i were more combative and domineering. you wish.

i also think about how large of an ego people can have. so large it fills the entire room. pulsating. i think about independence, isolation, strength.

but shrink your ego. its the only way we can all be happy, together. even though you feel like you feel for positivity and the good, you have to realize i do too. rotating with the good.

mirror

you know

i used to be 15

and i lived every age since then. i would say that 9 years a lot. but even 24 in total is a lot.

sometimes i forget that i am a form. changing through time. that isn’t a comfortable thought but i like to remember the past and how i became who i am.

i think of linux.

really, i do.

it’s been years now. linux used to be 2.2. and mandrake was the new hotness. that was probably only to me.

i am exclusively a debian user now. but debian is the shit. i know that when there is no one left i’ll still be standing by the debian project. <3

anyway i had heros,

like every nerd in the world i have heros. richard stallman, larry wall, dennis ritchie. in order of most code i have read. lol that’s a lie. i’ve never read emacs or perl (GOD NO). i have read libc and gdb though. i wonder what gcc looks like. hey you guys are fucking awesome out there. seriously?? even ulrich drepper. no seriously ulrich, thanks for making it difficult to distribute linux software. no, seriously. why can’t i just statically compile with libc? that would be sweeet =)

but even before then the most ultimate gs existed. and EVEN before that. come on. THE HARDWARE. thanks to the hardware vendors, shockley, gordon, noyce. holy crap, thanks for thinking about the future. metcalfe, i’m happy that i can use the internet with my friends. thank you enabling technologies.

but there were so many awesome people. grace hopper, john mccarthy, john backus. holy fuck, were you guys serious? but where did your code go? did it only get rewritten? when code is rewritten. that is weird. it transfers via your consciousness. one person to another. there is a deep bond between people who share code.

and still. even before then, alan turning and alonzo church the most ultimate gs of ultimate gness. even when everything was being created, everyone was thinking of you.

but aside from all the history, sometimes i think about the relationship between jwz and marc andreessen. i know right? i really don’t know. i don’t even know jwz. but that would be sweet if i did. there are more badass programmers, the list goes on. i would even give a shoutout to the gaim developers, thanks for letting me use linux and still be a teenager.

these days i am almost spoiled by the development freedom that linux gives me. it feels good. it’s strange that i don’t feel like many people could understand that comfort. i’m weird anyway. weird. there are yet more badass people in computer science that i’ve not mentioned. bill gates? steve jobs? linus torvalds? beyond beyond. ralf engelschall (i used pth when netbsd did not yet have a pthread implementation, i read it too). i could almost mention bill joy.

so