the light

ciao

sorry i was busy. busy busy busy today.

i’m on a deadline!

a recurring deadline. it recurs every second until the next second. very stressful.

but i’m strong. light of the end of the tunnel,

and all that.

did i mention that i have a wonderful reason to be happy? best december evAr. you don’t even know.

because i don’t tell my blog reader shit anymore!

because yall full of shit.

also such romantic readers. you imagine yourselves to be every antagonist, every ally in my life. i guess that is because i am such a romantic writer.

must be.

i read a lot of my blog from january to august. i was all alone. crazy thoughts, crazy emotions.

loneliness

but after being hurt and hurting others over and over again it’s hard to maintain your confidence when starting something new. because why would it last when nothing else has lasted? when nothing else seems different and everything else seems so familiar? scars run deep. deeeeeep. so deep. no pseudoscience here.

love

when you love her.

it might be a problem for the average american to know when to love. or what love feels like. or how to reconcile the fact that at one point you may have told someone that you loved them but at another point in time there was no love to be found. listen, i don’t love you anymore and i barely care about what happens to you either. i know i’m not the first in this.

i like what i’ve written. at some point this blog became an outlet for my thoughts on love, between lovers, between friends, between strangers. lol, it happens. i like it though. i like how it happened.

motivation is another tough thing. what is motivation? how can you find it?

inspiration too.

these things exist. they don’t exist on paper in any tangible way. they exist in the human heart, in action, in diligence. they do exist, if you can admit it to yourself. if you can get things done. but maybe you can be uninspired your entire life and unmotivated.

and life? the question is so well known that all i need to do is write “life?”

i don’t think things exist in vain, i mean i feel like everything has a purpose. how do things happen? how does the world improve?

i want to say that love is a force. yeah, there are the physical forces we all know about but what about the feeling you get when you want to make sure you honor your parents, when you want to help your friends, when you want to make sure your kids live the best life they can, when you want to do what you can for the person you love.

there are others. greed, jealousy, selfishness. lots of human emotions.

what is that? would you do anything if you didn’t have these feelings? i mean would our own civilization have developed? gravity pulls the planets around the sun, electromagnetism makes lightning strike, the quantum forces give the particles a quantifiable and predictable physics. but what causes you to speak? what inspires you to work every day? what builds buildings? what makes the internet important? what builds cities? is it all due to the impartial forces? is everything in the universe done without intention? and finally, is there no free will?

hah. well let me formalize what i am saying a bit. if there exists free will then that implies that there exist other forces than the four fundamental forces we know of. my reasoning is that free will means that you have choice to do whatever you want. if the will of human beings was governed only be the four fundamental forces then your will would not be completely free because the effects of the four fundamental forces are predictable.

i do think we have free will (imho) and therefore i think there are other forces that exist in nature, in ourselves, that we don’t fully understand. how can one do frequency analysis solely in the time domain? how can one measure the effects of the other forces in the space of traditional physics? their effects are too complex to be understood in that way.

forces cause things to happen, energy measures how much force was exerted, how many things happened. i want to understand what causes things to happen. i want to understand the difference between happiness and suffering. i want to understand peace and war. i don’t mean to sound like a crackpot.

wanted to say

there are a lot of things that i intentionally choose not to write about. i especially never want to comment on the media. i feel like if i went down that road my blog would slowly turn into this reaction to the media. and i don’t want to be reactionary, i want to be creative. sometimes i think about negative criticism and i wonder if it’s actually necessary. would people ever change? would people release media that was detrimental to the human condition if there weren’t a market for it? there is a market for it and all those people are stubborn. i think the only people you can really get through to are the people who have already seen what you have seen and those are the ones that reject that media anyway. so yeah.

i would instead rather be something positive. be in a new direction. bigger steps. what good is criticism if you aren’t going to offer a better alternative? you’re just ruining someone’s day. i can reference the light yet again.

christmas was nice. we played scattergories. i lost of course.

miami still sucks. but it sucks less and less. it takes some time to get back into it. i feel a little better. a little more familiar. it just takes some time.

being home

inevitably sucks. i basically have zero friends in miami. i do have friends but miami is this large city with lots of depressing terrain and it’s not like i have a car or a matching license anyway. my new year’s resolution is to be a driver. that way i can stop feeling like a hopeless home-locked loser. but i think it really says something about me or the people i know or america or capitalism when my social life is so heavily-dependent on whether or not i have a vehicle at my disposal.

cars are stupid anyway. cars are like the ultimate consumer product. most people try to hide it but you can totally tell when someone is like “omg lulz my car <3<3<3″ it has to fit them and has to match them. there are no exceptions, men, women, young, old, alternative, straight-laced. every retard on the planet gets a wet dream when the attention goes to their car. but really the funniest thing must be that no one actually likes to drive their car. “hey could you pick me up on your way there?” “but that’s so far…” like what the fuck, you’d think people who uncontrollably jizz at night when thinking about their car would want to take every opportunity to actually use it.

sorry, all these repressed emotions from high school come back to me when i’m stuck at home without a car nor kind friends to take me out. really, miami is just a shitty city with a lot of shitty stupid people. i thank god everyday that i had the light to guide me far away from here. it’s just so weird that so many people can be so stupid and lazy. so short-sighted, uninspired, not curious, identical. it’s a real problem. i don’t know if it can ever be fixed unless lots of resources are dumped into improving the public school system. in general, all over the world people should be investing money into education. but what does that really mean?

it means that people should be investing money into inspiration. children are the most powerful creatures alive. it’s so incredible how much a child can accomplish with enough inspiration, encouragement, and guidance. but not only children, all people.

but i’ve given up on this location. it’s seriously fucked to hell. maybe one day when i’m brave enough i’ll come back with some vision to improve things. to talk to people, to guide with a positive light. who accomplished anything with a negative outlook on life? you know?

anyway omg it’s going to be so awesome when i finally get my license and my car. my car is going to be so sweet!!

hard

so first i wanted to clear up any confusion that anyone may have had in reference to my post titled here’s a secret. that post was not inspired by any single person nor does my usage of the word “you” refer to any single person directly. that post was a glimpse into my internal thought processes during the moments where i am lucky enough to be in the presence of a cute and coy long haired non-blond girl.

so i guess i also have lots of trouble writing in my blog when i’m unhappy.

entitlement

I’ve been checking my iphone a lot lately. it’s a case of waiting syndrome. wait wait wait check and double check. it’s stupidity it’s unhappiness. waiting for something that will change everything. and one day, will you still be waiting?

yes nothing has changed. with an iphone it’s always about somewhere else, when it’ll happen. not here not now. it sucks. really does. it just makes it worse.

tomorrow I will live right now. but I’ll forget and I’ll blog yet again about this.

here’s a secret

when i notice that you’re hair is growing long i’m actually saying “0mfg uR s0 fckn g0Rg30u5″

it makes me feel good

your nickname for me