the light

What is friendship?

having fun,

helping friends,

kindness,

sharing with friends,

trusting,

understanding each other,

honesty

That’s Friendship.

Rian Hunter

the unknown

well. thanksgiving is nice. what i’ve learned is that everyone is a flake. including me. not sure why it can sometimes be so hard to create a peaceful fun situation. like not saying “i dunno i’m kind of tired” and actually going out and people watching, or even playing some mario game (like the new one for the wiii OMG SO FUN thanks jon!) i think the world would be a lot better if people were a lot less tired and a lot more excited to do things.

anyway right now i am peaceful by myself in my mother’s house. the lights are dim and it’s quiet and it’s early. i would like to go out or play mario but everyone has flaked on me tonight so this is not possible. at least i’m peaceful. peace is important. but i would much rather be making out with someone pretty. actually i don’t think there is a single moment where i wouldn’t much rather be making out with someone pretty.

america

or what was columbus thinking? what kind of man was this? what were the intentions of those people? i never think about it but i wonder. what were the original intentions? and how do we find ourselves? i wonder how i’m a person in america and where does it all come from? my culture, my language, my aspirations, my perspective, the things i work for. and live for. because i’m actually working for something, i’m actually living for something. i’m actually carrying on with life. sometimes i pretend like there is no purpose. i ignore it. but you’re doing it for a purpose, for a reason. what are your intentions? just carrying on? why do you do it? what do you actually want? dreams

sigh t

there is so much bullshit in the life experience of the average american. massive and massive amounts of pure bullshit. it’s the culture it’s the people around you. massive and massive amounts of bullshit.

this is not a rant.

sometimes i think about real dreams. like actually being happy. making other people happy. going somewhere far away. being somewhere undeveloped. having a heart. doing it. thinking outside of the box. repression. bridging boundaries. bridging! these things seem so far away from my actual experience. i blame myself.

at some point people become adults. and mature. one strange thing is maturing with other people and noticing. but once you’re this mature thing. things seem clearer. let’s say you actually want to do something. unfettered with bullshit. let’s say you actually want to do something. something real. how far away is it? from your experience. people rarely do anything. really. they do nothing all day. really. actually it’s just me.

but dreams. you can only actually do something if you have the dream to do it. and you’re smart enough to lay out for yourself a plan. and if you have the heart to execute. real dreams. this is for all things.

this is fun

i don’t love anyone

hi

so does this really not happen to anyone else? one day all of a sudden everything kind of changes. not everything really just the way i see everything. where before there was a void now there is an abundance. but more than an abundance. and what’s really important? question of my lifetime. well. i know the things that are important but i worry that once I place importance on them it’ll all lose meaning. doesn’t this happen to you? once I start to pay attention to the things I think should be important, suddenly it loses all meaning.

lots of people they seem so static, in a trance. sometimes I feel like i’m in this dreadful trance, forgetting what’s important to me. that’s what losing meaning is, forgetting. losing touch. vision.

it’s a feeling, what can I say? it’s a human lifetime, what can I say? it’s your future, their future, it all loses meaning, what can I say? it’s a game of enjoyment, optimization. could you understand?

so. right and wrong. you know, good guys. bad guys. nice, mean. seems childish now, short sighted. children and their fantasies. constantly ascribing meaning to everything while nothing means everything to everyone around you. how is it supposed to work, I wonder, in a world where nothing means anything to everyone?

good, evil. confusion is evil. knowledge is good. at least this is what i have seen. i hate to be evil I hate to feel evil and to understand the difficulty of being good. what good is being good if everyone is just optimizing for their own well being. when my heart is hardened. what vision? touch? vision.

i don’t understand why

i am so local. i live very locally. i know things very locally. locally in time, space. the only two spaces i’m able to move through. i think i move through. i can only know that i move through space. do i move in any other manner? is there only moving?

you don’t understand me. well i don’t understand you. and i don’t understand you either. or you. or you. or you. only sometime later on will i suddenly understand why you acted the way you did, when i’m acting the way you did. i immediately feel stupid for everything i said. adults are stupid, they act very stupidly. very local, so rigid. but children are also very stupid, they do things without knowing what they are doing. adults do things as if they know everything. so hey let’s aspire to the place where you can do something with just a bit of faith and just a bit of knowledge. because you think about things, because you have an open mind.

people are always looking. there was a short time in my life when i didn’t feel like i was looking for anything. if i were standing up i was standing up and if i were sitting down i was sitting down, at peace at all times. i didn’t feel like i wasn’t doing enough and i didn’t feel like i was doing too much. that was nice. balance is nice.

now i’m looking for meaning. meaning is the reason you do things. because i can’t just do things. at least i can’t pretend that i don’t exist for a purpose.