the light

personality

sometime at some pt someone enlightened me to the idea that the word “personality” was completely meaningless. it felt so true. it’s made up. it’s like putting up fencing around all the things you can be and do in your life. some people grow up and can’t imagine doing anything other than what other people think they will do.

but sometimes i feel like personality is a real thing. people act a certain way, i assign them a personality. maybe two people communicate better when one perceives the other in the same way as the other perceives herself. maybe? i like feeling understood.

i also start to think of who i listen to and who i don’t listen to. or who listens to me and who doesn’t listen to me. if you speak clearly and frankly i’ll listen to you. did you hear that?

you made me really sad today. really sad.

exposure

exposure to new things is great. you can’t underestimate how much something inside of you will respond to something new. a new food, a new style of architecture, a new person, a new way of life. you’ll say yes. yes. yes. i get it. i finally get it.

it’s hard to know what you want if you’ve never seen it before. it’s important to show children what they could have and what it could mean. hah, children.

knowing something: thinking about it pt 2

while you’re off in your own world doing your thing, dealing with your problems, daunted by your problems, misinterpretation, being misinterpreted, misinterpreting, thinking. somewhere out there in the space behind your eyes a solution is being searched for. a simple, pure, elegant solution. something you already knew. you knew it the whole time but of course you kept avoiding it. you kept ignoring it when you passed by it. you kept not making eye contact with it. who’s to blame? you are.

because when there is a problem there is someone to blame. with no one to blame no one is responsible for solving it. look in the mirror. blame yourself. accept the responsibility. solve the problem.

hmm i probably sound like a republican. i remember i said something like that once to a mentor of mine. he said i sounded like a republican. maybe i do. i just think people should take responsibility more often. especially for themselves. it’s not easy. the easy route won’t get you anywhere though. that’s for sure. anytime you make a decision, ask yourself “am i making the easiest decision?” because maybe you didn’t give the hard decision enough thought. in fact i’m positive you didn’t.

but really i can’t tell you to blame yourself. that really doesn’t make any sense. when you finally realize it, the idea of responsibility will descend unto you like light from heaven. knowledge, power, responsibility. it’s the core of a problem solver.

once in a while i know it. and see it. i write it down. for you. duh

thinking about it

i was going to write something but i realized i don’t really have much to say.

one of my favorite songs is called “did you see the sea?” it doesn’t really make sense but it sounds nice. i like to think about watching the sea. it’s peaceful. it smells good.

zabelê

Minha sabiá
Minha zabelê
Toda meia-noite eu sonho com você
Se você duvida, eu vou sonhar pra você ver

Minha sabiá
Vem me dizer, por favor
O quanto que eu devo amar
Pra nunca morrer de amor

Minha zabelê
Vem correndo me dizer
Por que eu sonho toda noite
E sonho só com você

Se você não me acredita
Vem pra cá, vou lhe mostrar
Que riso largo é o meu sonho
Quando eu sonho com você

Mas anda logo
Vem que a noite já não tarda a chegar
Vem correndo pro meu sonho escutar
Que eu sonho falando alto
Com você no meu sonhar

say nothing do nothing

this is a long process. very long. very hard. i’m draining myself of everything meaningful, everything pleasant. i say too much, i do too much, i say nothing, i do nothing. i’m waiting.

but i can see that maybe i do too much self-analysis for any of it to actually be useful. i misinterpret people all the time, they misinterpret me. i misinterpret myself. funny how i know what i want and don’t know what i want at the same time. fuck being a person is weird. it’s a sick game where there are rules and there are no rules. so many conflicts, contradictions, more words with con. or maybe i’m just confused and everything becomes confusing. misinterpretation, perspective.

that’s the new theme of this blog. misinterpretation. i actually loved it when you asked me what i wanted. when you said you couldn’t keep guessing. really? i thought it was obvious. i can never tell how convoluted i make myself. it must be a bunch. a bunchhh. but i know why. i hate communicating in such simple terms. i hate it. it’s boring. it’s unromantic. it’s mechanical. loving you is figuring out all the different ways i can tell you that i love you. hmm.

you care

when you care

you call her

you send her flowers

you laugh at her jokes

you open up

you ask her what she wants

you give her what she wants

you go to her

you stay with her

i draw her pictures

and we listen to music we read books

my art your art

kind things

when you care

dream number four

i kiss you

for the fun of it

the morning is beautiful. it feels like a second chance. new beginning. even if it weren’t already associated with those things it would still feel like that.