the light

sigh for a sigh to sigh and sigh

okay so i can be nasty. i admit it. i can be really nasty. people have in the past received the nastiest emails from me that days later i would reread and be in awe of myself. there are not many things that i would say i am an expert at. it’s just that writing abrasive, direct, and insulting text is definitely a skill that has proven time and time again to be a gift. unfortunately the ability to hurt someone’s feelings in response to your feelings being hurt declines (exponentially) in usefulness as time goes on.

so it was probably a bad idea to start a blog. well, i had the idea that maybe i could transfer some of that necroenergy into positive uplifting writing that would enlighten and inspire the readers of this blog. maybe you would argue that hatred and criticism can also be enlightening. let’s just say that i don’t remember anyone notable ever saying that mein kampf changed their life. yes i know notability is one of those vague meaningless concepts like success but maybe you don’t!

anyway the theme of this blog lately has been “don’t take anything you read here to be truth or fact or necessarily representative of me in any way possible.” i mean it’s just a blog. i thought maybe at one point it had something to do with my identity but now i’m pretty sure that there is some strange phenomenon common to human beings that i’m exhibiting where they seek multiple identity outlets. yes i know it’s weird right? i didn’t even understand it. in real life i completely disassociate myself from this blog, if people mention it i claim ignorance. but then i asked myself “why do i keep writing in it?” basically my real life identity isn’t close friends with my blog identity these days. i’m okay with them being separate, disjoint entities. i even think it’s normal and probably healthy. think about all the losers with facebook accounts. how you express yourself on facebook is usually different from real life, unless you’re an idiot. btw most adults are idiots.

or who knows, maybe it’s some twisted psychological disorder. maybe multiple identities isn’t a stable configuration of the human psyche. maybe i would be leading a happier, healthier life if i figured out how to reconcile my internet identity with my real life identity. maybe i wouldn’t call adults idiots. oh come on, i didn’t mean idiot in a bad way. i meant it in a cute way. so cute.

i was digging through your archives and i remembered why i started this blog in the first place. well there were a couple of reasons. the first reason was that i thought you were sooooooo cool and i’m apt to emulate real life examples of coolness. the second reason is that writing is fun! communication is fun! information is interesting! things like that. well actually it had little to do with coolness and more with

you know when you like someone and you feel this need to copy everything they do? read all the books they’ve read, understand their art, laugh at the things they laugh at. at times i thought this may have been due to a weakness of character but no, i’ve seen people with weak characters and this is not that. this has to be an instinct, many people have told me they do this too. how funny is it to say that this blog is the last significant example of me doing that. it’s sad that i wasn’t the only one.

maybe the number of things you are willing to mimic from another person is a good indicator of true love. for instance, many girls have asked me to teach them how to play guitar but only one has ever asked me to teach her how to program (cutest thing ever). by the way, if you are a prospective suitress then you’ll be glad to know that asking me to teach you how to program will win my heart. the real me, not the blog me.

happy monday!

listen

you want an extreme? here’s an extreme:

i don’t get it

i

don’t

get

it

i don’t get it

here’s another extreme:

i’m having a very difficult time being satisfied.

one more:

you definitely suck for reading this blog and judging me. then thinking i’m the stupid one for having such a personal blog on the public internet and expecting to not be judged. don’t believe everything you read.

how deep how beautiful it was

and all this beauty of love that was all ours

and now leaves me sad

i don’t want to deny

don’t want to betray

don’t want to forget

because my love in my life you have been

like a day full of sun :)

happy friday!

slowing down

a dream: i come home at night after a long day at work. it’s pitch black. i walk into my room and you’re waiting. for me. i don’t know how you got the keys to my apartment but i couldn’t be happier.

dream #2: a call. from you. it’s just around dinnertime. meet for dinner? yes.

i was writing like thirty entries a month but now seems like everything is slowing down. i see you’re starting a photo blog, i like it so far. i still think you’re hiding though. you aren’t reading this.

meaningful conversation is very awesome. isn’t it strange how apt you can be to take a certain person’s advice and other people you just want them to shut up. you don’t have to know anything to gain my attention, my respect. you just have to be speak honestly, freely, confidently. your ability to communicate is the only thing that will impress me. so impress me.

dream #3: i’m on the subway. you’re sitting across from me. smile, smile back. hi, hi back.

different on the phone

ugh fuck. the writing on this blog has been shitty the past couple of weeks. the problem is that when i am actually happy it’s difficult to write anything in this blog. it feels very pointless. weird because sometimes it feels very meaningful. most of the time.

hmm have i been happy? i won’t say that last week was ideal. i hate to live week by week. i met someone on the plane to boston and he says that in the uk college students go out and have fun during the week, go home on the weekends. anyway, last week was really fun. things became new. i want to go on about how and why but it feels dumb. like i said, acceptance is a wonderful feeling. maybe the best feeling. so i liked last week.

and if i were ever going to hold on to a week it would have been that one. but now, monday, i’ve let it go so well. i feel great. peaceful. rested. i’ve become really good at letting things go. learned with age or experience? definitely experience.

another thing i’ve noticed is that i don’t try with people anymore. i don’t call, email, im or anything. i just don’t care anymore. i’ve talked about this. it’s good in a way because i don’t have to feel like no one cares but it also sucks because how will anything ever become anything. even the things that feel like they should become something end up becoming nothing because i just don’t know. how to make things. i just don’t know how to keep things. i think too much. i am sick like that. i wish i didn’t stress about the permanence or creation of things.

well, some people get it. some people stay around. i like them. everyone else is looking for something. trying to figure out who they can get it from and how they can get. never was like that so much. but that’s over-thinking it :P

vain. is this vanity? it’s communication. some people are better at reading than talking. some people are better at reading than complimenting. i don’t even remember who i was two years ago.

falling asleep.

life crisis: the blog

am i having a life crisis? do you feel like i am having a life crisis? have you seen me in real life? am i breaking down in front of you? i actually do know for a fact that there exists people who haven’t seen me in a while who actually think i am going through some serious shit. well i think the funny thing is that in real life i am not as mopey and full of tristeza as i am in writing on this blog. so i wonder, what if the world had a blog like this? like gaia. would you think the world was ending?

actually jg recently told me he read my blog and thought i was on the virge of cutting my wrists. love u jg

okay gotta go love you!! saw ponyo this weekend god it was so cute

ps i have a crush on a girl and ITS NOT A SECRET and IT COULD BE YOU

btw feminina

soon part ii

thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank

i remember when we thanked each other that first time. a pre-thank you for everything we’d do for each other. and we did it for each other. there is a certain subtlety to it. yes i’m still about subtlety. about soon. about come in alone. but thank you. sorry i am just really inspired right now. inspired to thank you! you know people differentiate between hearing and listening, and looking and seeing. that’s kind of dumb rite? anyway i want to differentiate between saying and….. speaking? talking? it’s knowing, it’s feeling. my sweet love thank you so much for being in my life. thank you.

flying to boston tonite. to thank you.

parallel lines

people everywhere. born everywhere. coming from everywhere. going everywhere. that’s a weird thing. crossing paths. i think it’s really weird. you know fate? as if things are fated. everything comes together for one thing. what’s the craigslist thing? missed connections. i think about all the classes of people i know. people that i keep far from, people that i never bring close, people i talk to everyday, people that i pour my heart out to, people that make me uncomfortable. i don’t understand why i have this obsession with figuring out how to bring all of them close to me. close to knowing me, understanding me, understanding them. i hate that i do such a horrible job at it. parallel lines.

let’s be honest

so i was reading another blog the other day. it was so great, just a stream of honest sentiments. i really like to read things that are true but are never mentioned aloud. there are a lot of things like this. i don’t know how many thoughts and emotions i keep from everyone. i think even keeping them inside is keeping them from myself. these things are really refreshing. refreshing is the right word. i can understand why someone would call my blog refreshing now.

but i have nothing too original to comment on right now. life has been particularly boring the past couple of weeks. i’ve been particular boring the past couple of weeks. i’m know i said something like this when i was in miami. that seems like an eternity ago. i dunno. there seems to be a massive void in my life, rite? just lots of empty space. a whole lot of emptiness. i hate this. i can see that i am supposed to choose something to fill it with but i don’t want to. actually i kind of feel intimidated by this huge amount of space, that’s another thing keeping me from filling. have to start somewhere. i don’t know how other young adults deal with this or if they even think about the emptiness of being a young adult. i guess i should enjoy being nothing, a lack of definition. my dad says that one day he woke up and just knew how to fill it. eh, yeah i can see that.

anyone?