the light

i miss miami

it’s true. i do. after i got used to being there, i started to really like it. i really like spanish. i don’t think so many people spoke spanish when i was in miami before but maybe i was just more used to it before. i miss it. it’s weird to feel like an american. actually the proper term is gringo. it’s weird to be a gringo.

everyone kind of loses a bit of their culture in the melting pot. i’ve always embraced it, i love communication but i can see why some people would avoid it.

every single one of my posts have been written for someone. for one particular person to read. i know it’s kind of immature but hey, i’m kind of immature. it’s really hot today, indian summer if i ever knew one. empty spaces will be filled :/

this website is da bomb!!

http://www.pcidatabase.com/

reinstalled windows for the first time in four years. yes this is how interesting my life is.

well actually! i leave miami tomorrow. i successfully have been reunited with my sweater and introductory cryptanalysis text. thank you akp!

but before i leave miami i am going to the beach!! yay

scripts for love

StopStartCOLORS

the crest and the trough

waves are really cool. it seems like almost everything measurable changes like a wave. maybe it’s just obvious. with infinite time, seems like everything will be periodic. i guess just depends on what’s more infinite, the space of possibilities or time.

i love writing an entry and then completely wiping it out. the pointlessness sometimes too great.

i’m so bare now. it’s weird to be so bare. i am dealing with being bare.

being outrageous

i really have to do something about this. it’s just getting out of hand. i feel so bored. no no no. it’s not miami. everything is boring me lately. just the idea of doing anything is extremely boring. i think my brain/psyche is just starting to refuse all the childish decorations i put up around all the things i think i like, all the things i look forward to. maybe it knows better now. no i mean, i know better now. i think it might be a good thing. but fuck now this means i have to look for real meaning in life.

i certainly have been maturing a lot lately. opening my mind to new information, rejecting old repeated information. in the face of my current conversation crisis i have actually experienced pockets of really enjoyable conversation here and there, that’s kind of weird. i like it when things are different and new and easy in that way.

did i mention that i’m shy? no rly, i’m one of those people you meet and think they’re really shy and then you get drunk with them and they go like way overboard. i hate people like that but i think it’s time for me to admit that i too am one of those people. it’s totally confusing.

it’s getting to the point where i am really starting to dislike that side of me. i just don’t identify with it anymore. it’s strange, the idea of shedding it doesn’t bother me because i’ve never really identified with it but when i think about how long it has been around (many years) i wonder who it is and where it comes from and why it surfaced in the first place. you know like, what void in my self was that side filling?

that question is kind of discomforting. to think about yourself, your “personality” as some adaptive mechanism of cooperating and competing agents whose existence is solely tolerated to solve some external problem. to help you get along. you know it really isn’t that difficult to figure out and i’m sure anyone with the least bit experience in understanding others can tell.

actually i can think of a lot of possible reasons for why i dreamed up that side of me in the first place. you know, when you’re quiet it’s really easy for people to ignore you. i don’t think it’s ideal to constantly be the center of attention either.

something else will emerge in this newly freed space in the landscape of my self. something to solve the same problems, something that has matured with the rest of my self. something new to dominate. strange to think about who i’ll be.

anyone want to see this: masculin féminin

tragic

this is tragic. so tragic. i am so bored. so bored. so bored. uninterested. so bored. why is my phone dead. wai

what sucks about vacation in the city is that everyone is working during the week. so there aren’t fun things going on really. not only that i left my cell phone charger in stupid sf so i can’t call anyone anyway. sigh

things aren’t rly that bad. i’m just so bored right now. want to watch a movie somewhere nice with someone nice.

omg i also need to go to the beach. with someone nice.

i’ve also been reading this, it’s so entertaining http://emmajolin.wordpress.com/

no it gets worse

first day in miami is not looking promising

the worst thing

is watching videos of yourself and you

just

won’t

shut

up.

just shut up.

i talk too much when i drink. much too much. much too loud.

deterioration

im becoming one of those people that ignores everyone and everything. in my case it’s hopelessness. in the case of others, i think it’s natural.

hopelessness kind of blows. it sucks to talk to people and not be excited at all by them.

you make your own reality

you really do.

it’s all in your head.

it really is.

please communicate.

this is me communicating.