the light

hai

maria donde estas maria? como te quiero maria

um it’s still rly hot aghcc sweaty in bed

one time this girl asked me out for coffee. i was stunned. i was high and rambling on about my family, my role in my family. i guess she must have liked it. girls really shouldn’t ask me out unless they are 100% sure i like them. it’s so awkward for me otherwise. like “sure…………… having coffee would be fun, maybe?” lol it’s like how every girl feels when i ask them out.

another awkward situation is when it’s just you and group of potential suitresses/suitors. the dynamics are really funny.

so i briefly mentioned invisible walls in my previous post. i am still thinking about them and how they make communication so strange. i am just the most honest waterfall of words with some people i know. some people i’ve sort of learned what is okay to talk about and what isn’t and that kinda sucks.

but unlearning the crap that holds you back from knowing someone is fun. it’s good to feel yourself communicating, but it’s scary that you could have gone so long without communication. now i wonder how many people i don’t communicate with. dealing with life everyday sometimes i forget about how i treat other people. being really busy is the worst.

crescent moon guides my heart

it’s so hot. for real it’s like seventy three degrees jeez

i hate invisible walls. like when you want to say something to someone. there are no specific words, no specific construction. it’s like there is a lock and it’s begging for the key.

there is a lot of good music out there. sometimes you’re lucky enough to find a song where they’ve said the things you can’t say. well i don’t know. i only think it’s important that people feel good about themselves.

that’s all

…

about that

i really do love you,

omg

did you see the sky? questTION how does it make you feel? really… hmmm……. such a long time to really know. really still even i don’t know why the sky is blue. or

why i feel what i feel.

but i i know that when my eyes are closed i think of only noe thing

<3

there is this one really SWEET one that that i truly love

who will figure it out????

<3

(ps. Voce nao vindo, nao vindo a vida tem fim.
Gente que passa sorrindo zombando de mim.
E eu a falar em estrelas,
Mar, amor, luar,
Pobre de mim,
Que so sei te amar_

<3<3<3<3 wooo

why do i dream silly dreamas tha i feel won’t come tru???E

i long to show your the staras. casught of the sea. i long to spaek of my love, but you don’t come to me!!

so you i go on asking if maybe one day tyou care i still te my sad littile dreams to the soft eveening are i am quite hopeless it seems. two things i know how to do. noe is to dream, two is loving you <3

<3<3<3<3

and so i admit to you what i’ve always felt since i was a child. isn;t that great? heart of gold you are.

yeah

yeah

thelig.ht

yes!!

the is my first domain since thelaststop.net

i’m really excited about it!!

just in case you missed that: thelig.ht

exactly what to say

what kind of puzzle is this? the LIFE puzzle. a puzzle in a puzzle in a puzzle. people are puzzles, priorities are puzzles, identity is a puzzle, time is a puzzle, parents are a puzzle.

it’s 2.24am in the morning. there is absolutely nothing for me to do. i want to talk to someone but at this time i’m the only one who’s awake. i can look out the window and it’s dark for miles. the moon is lit for miles. the streetlights have their horrible orange color, makes it a drag to walk at night. who would really want to anyway?

i remember once i constructed this really strange sentence but i loved it so much. LOL actually i found the paper i wrote it in the other day. in it i also wrote down my favorite equation:

d^2/dx^2 sin(x) = -sin(x)

why? because it shows that sin(x) is an eigenfunction of the second derivative operator. you can solve differential equations with this fact alone. amazing!!

sorry had to nerd out for a minute. it’s funny how in the midst my chronic emotional confusion clinging on to math really is comforting.

everyone listens to electronic music now. all music is going electronic. i try listening to new music but it’s really hard to enjoy it. it’s just like sounds and beats, obviously not all new music is like this. i guess i like music with some human element to it. some story, emotional epiphanies, a composition. i know composing things can be hard and sometimes not worth it. it’s just that going back to the root just feels so good sometimes. anyway all i can stand to listen to these days is 50s style jazz, latin jazz, salsa, bossanova. crap like that, it makes me feel old. the music is really old. older than me. i wonder when it will die.

do you ever watch the expressions that you say often? i try to limit my cursing. after saying fuck 69 trillion times, it kind of loses meaning i also feel like i lose meaning. i say “i guess” and “i mean” i lot. i meannnnnnn

don’t say i mean. it’s horrible. you’ll say it in every argument. you’ll never finish an argument. i meannn

by the way i know that no one even reads this anymore. seriously it’s like no one. like five visitors a week. i think the peak was about 40 a day. lol no one cares about me anymore. just as well!! it’s not like i talk to anyone anymore either. i’m creeping into this tiny box labeled obscurity. there’ll be some party and someone will mention something funny i did and someone else will be like “hey whatever happened to him?” everyone will shake their heads in ignorance. the girls will all recount their stories about how i tried to make out with them and what a failure that was. people will laugh, people will gag. it’ll be a grand ole time. ye olde grande shoppe. simultaneously while this is happening it’ll probably be 4.23 am PST and i’ll be up clicking and reclicking on my facebook profile.

life is very cyclical (oo like a sine wave). while periodicity is very natural i think i always want to be moving forward.

oh, fuck it. people suck. you probably suck. it’s because you’re stupid and you don’t have a very long attention span. unless you made it this far, lol. im in the student center and i’m walking down from the second floor. this is one time out of the many many times i’ve done this. they all melt together in this beautiful cornucopia of memories. horrible memories, empty worthless memories. they added subway later, i don’t know why i liked it so much.

the model

so i was at least impressed. it’s been a long time since i went that long without making a post, i think.

nothing new really going on. i just rediscovered how comfortable my bed is. i’m supposed to visit south florida again, someday. no one understands, no one asks. my hair is a good length. i read amanda’s post about facial hair, i loled. i watched some year-old videos, i cried. i started a new book, i finished an old one. stayed up too late thursday, tonight. almost went to the beach. a bright future. empty past. people wonder i wander. internet makes you ten pounds thinner. i have no heart. i’m scarier than i thought. patience. broken record. and the model. ripped her out of a magazine forgot her on my desk. million things to do. everybody forgets. lost you. lost you. lost you.

better off without me

i know it’s a foolish thing to prematurely consider one thing the same as another.

this blog might have to end. for real this time. it alienates all the people i love. funny.

happy monday

i hate mondays!!!

hate them!!@#$%^&*()

hi

trust is good. you know when you meet someone nice and they smile and wink at you and you just feel like you can trust them. like they think you’re great. it’s acceptance. /that/ is a wonderful feeling. the complete opposite of rejection. rejection is when you’re wandering the streets of cambridge, massachusetts at one am falling over yourself and crying, snotting everywhere. hitting yourself, slapping yourself, lying in alleyways, why why why, trying to make sense of your life, trying to figure out what went wrong, trying to figure out what you’ve become, feeling your own mortality in a way you’ve never felt before, feeling your own mentality in a way you’ve never felt before. ya, rejection isn’t a pleasant experience.

acceptance on the other hand is amazing!!! it’s like knowing comfort for the first time ever. suddenly, finally you’re everything you want to be. your hair is soft, your teeth are nice, you love to smile, you have interesting things to talk about, you actually know to flirt, people want to be around you. confidence in a jar, everything is right again. now if only i knew how to accept myself like that, in that meaningful way, without needing another person. it’s hard.