the light

kinda lonely

i thought getting my twitter account reactivated would make my life so much better. i’d be twittering it up with all my pals again. streaming my thoughts 140 characters at a time, yet again. i was ecstatic to see all that i had missed.

but too soon did i realize why i didn’t hesitate when i deleted my twitter account in the first place. it’s just another empty internet medium. the web is full of emptiness. maybe that’s why people like exploring it so much.

oh well.

anyway it suddenly hit me so hard. i feel absolutely lonely. i know that is a rotten thing to admit on the public internet but it’s not like that’s ever stopped me before. and i know why it’s hitting me. i think i do.

and loneliness causes me to daydream. silly silly dreams. things i know won’t ever happen. hah my funny life. i am some kind of oddity. i know i am. sometimes i’m smart about myself. what does that even mean?? sometimes people waste time being confused or react too quickly. sometimes i almost do that.

dreams do come true

after a five month hiatus i am back on twitter. sweet!

you can spread the news that i’m tired of living

don’t really have anything in particular to write.

it’s just a nice morning.

free n easy

you used to be so young. clear skin, hip clothes, sure smile. clean yourself up. wash away the tension, the stress, the mental block, the pressure to be an adult. stand over it stand up to it and be easy. so serious, you make things so serious now. you try too hard. just be like you used to be.

don’t say i didn’t warn ya

small world

hey pretty people

i saw you looking in the mirror. you looked so pretty. soft face, soft smile. climb into bed. you crawled into bed. it was a beautiful day outside. nothing has changed.

i have these books about linear algebra. about abstract algebra. about functional analysis, differential geometry, vector calculus, first-order logic, set theory and modular arithmetic. we did all the practice problems, too easy.

new ways to store, propagate, encode, and interpret information always fascinated you. we thought about binary numbers, electromagnetic waves, sound waves, resonance, inductance, capacitors, binary trees, hash tables, computer programs, finite state machines, markov models, directed graphs, english, symbols, grammars, charts, diagrams, bitmaps. quantifying nature through physics. mathematics as a model for all information. numbers for more than just counting. functions to represent whatever you like. but it just doesn’t scale when there are many interacting variables, non-linear interactions, feedforward, feedback. the model will eventually fall apart as the model requires more complexity in the interactions. it really sucks when the model blows up.

learning through feedback is amazing though and i love the guy who formalized negative feedback.

back in san francisco, missing you. thinking about control theory, being weird.

i’m in boston

it’s been such a nice weekend. in all meanings and implications of the word nice. the weather in boston is making me feel very nostalgic. very very very much so. the heavy air the smell of the trees. i rode amanda’s bike through cambridge. it’s like i’m riding my bike one year ago, two years ago, three years ago. my younger self has no clue what the future holds. in the present i look back and wonder how i got along being so ignorant.

it’s a whole new life. my old life seems like nothing more than a dream or some kind of parallel universe. i’m the same person, i’m in the same place, i know a lot of the same people but circumstances are completely different. i really like the concept of parallel universe, it makes me less nostalgic. it makes this new life a lot more fun.

that’s another thing my dad used to say. he said that his life changed every six years. i didn’t get it when i was younger. now i do. adults are so funny.

funny that

much much later in the future we can be honest about why we did all the crazy irrational things we did.

feel something

one time, when i was a junior in college, i was talking to my dad and he told me that when i graduate from college the number of friends i will have will shrink greatly. so far it’s been a year. i was always afraid that when i left mit my life would degrade greatly. like my best years were behind me. seventeen to twenty-one is a good period of life. eyes are so bright and wide. it was a good time but i still was not yet whole.

too much work? life always demands a lot of work. but i think for being a student at mit i figured out how to make my life pleasant. i did, it was.

everything is different in adultland. i would like to be friends with everyone but we’re all so different. everyone has wildly different perspectives on life. many people are unhappy, many people are lonely. many people are spoiled, selfish. people wasting their lives on having something to prove. insecurity, apathy, negativity across the board. superiority, inferiority. and sometimes people just don’t like each other. as long as i’ve been alive i still can’t figure out why some people can’t just get along. i laugh at everyone. people doing their little things is just too funny to me. sometimes i can’t help it. i wish i could just give them what they needed to be happy. these days i can barely defend myself.

to be honest i’ve completely forgotten what it means to be friends. adults in general don’t seem to have many friends. it’s hard to call another person a friend. at what point can you call someone a friend? what qualifies a person as a friend? what would you do for a friend? it’s just this weird problem i have. i guess i am just not as friendly as i would like to think because if i were i wouldn’t find it so hard to keep a friend. to keep in touch with friends. but i kind of just fade away and i think most people don’t carry my existence with very much weight. don’t worry i know it’s not completely my fault.

well i think good friends feel a lot a like. i’m always trying to make friends and be nice to lots of random different people. sometimes it seems like no matter how hard i try they’ll just never feel comfortable around me, even if they are lonely. because maybe i am just not the same. too different. i can understand that. or maybe they don’t want what i want. so it comes back to this. maybe i can find friendship with someone like me. someone that resonates with me. someone that doesn’t have anything to prove like me. someone who just wants to have fun like me. someone who isn’t always looking for something better like me. someone tolerant towards other people like me. someone who doesn’t have it all quite together like me. someone who maintains interest despite boredom like me. someone who doesn’t always have to be right like me. someone open minded. someone calm. just an equal. that is really hard. i’ve never met anyone like that before. that’s not true.

of course no one can be those things all of the time. i can’t even be those things all of the time. sometimes i’m a huge asshole. sometimes i don’t want to talk to anyone. sometimes i just want everyone to leave me completely alone and to just say the right things to me. to do the right things for me. funny memory.

here is another little piece of advice i learned along the way. people don’t like complicated. people like it easy.

i will wait for you

when kate broke up with me i would listen to meditation and wish that she actually loved me like that. in such a romantic way. in such a real way. it always helped me to realize that she just didn’t live up to someone who loved me like that and that was good to know.

well. i would have kept myself in a vicious cycle of pain for a long time if i didn’t force her to reject me completely and not in some half-hearted way. all the girls i know, they always reject me half-way. half enough that i’ll still think there is something there, half enough that there will never be anything there. there needs to be an outside influence to stand up and say “look you are dealing with a spoiled selfish bitch.” it sucks that it has to be like that, it really does.

may 21st 2009. i came to san francisco exactly one year ago!! i still remember the day. i have it on video. i remember eating my first meal at kennedy’s and feeling like “what now?” haha. what now is a good question.

so what now? everything is just fine. so fine. my job is going very well. i’m finally starting to actually keep up with the mystery. summertime is coming and i’m going to spend time at home for a couple of weeks and who knows what else, new york, chicago. then it’ll be fall, then it’ll be winter, and then comes the spring again. some people i know are shrinking at the mere mention of “what now?” it’s a pretty scary question after childhood is all said and done. just don’t take it too seriously? it’ll always be the summer, fall, winter, and spring. choose a goal and accomplish it. you’ll feel much better :)

i’ve already said this but geez i can’t stress it enough. things just don’t get me as down anymore. sometimes i think about how sad it is that some of the people i have known in life, i’ll never see again. that used to really get me, distract me, keep me thinking. it’s just not even a big deal anymore. i just think about what’s in front of me and what’s in store for me. i remember the importance of non-urgency. that i can only do so much as one person. i do wish that more friends were in san francisco though. i would like to use the internet less.

kinda worried

that this blog will get boring now that i’m so content with everything

even the sad things are happy, how is that???

this morning on the way to the market i had the best realization. well i guess best is a strong word. just a series of questions. “what do i need?” “who do i need?” “who needs me?” maybe that sounds really emo. but even the sad things make me happy

hey thanks whoever put you made me realise in our dropbox!!@#$%^&*(