the light

too bad it actually is spring

so if you feel abandoned

or betrayed

you should really speak up. life’s too short.

<3 you

isn’t that nice? <3 is so nice. just nice. hopefully it's welcome! you're welcome.

so i was caught in thought just minutes ago thinking about lots and lots of things. my work, my friends, my history, the music that i like. my current big project at work is to reduce the memory usage of dropbox during and after syncing thousands of files. i'll just say that this is a very difficult problem because there isn't a single cause. there are multiple causes and there is a lot of code. so the intelligence isn’t really in the solution, it’s in finding the causes. i thought it wouldn’t be very challenging for me to tackle this problem but it has turned out to be p challenging. i’m not very used to challenge so i’ve been a bit stressed and i often think about my next steps towards the solution.

problems are problems. one problem reminds me of another. or maybe i start to see life from the problem perspective. i kept thinking over and over about so many things. so about music. so much of the music i listen to appeared so recently in my life but has actually been around throughout my lifetime. isn’t that eerie? it’s strange to me because music is alive and when i listen to it i feel the moment of it. where was it that whole time i was yet to discover it? it was always the same, i was always changing. is it alive? you know, what is life? animation? reanimation? questions that words can’t really answer.

here i am! twenty three. picking up where i left off. it’s funny how that is but i like it. i’m fine with it. comfortable even. memories saturate me and it’s strange to know that the people i’ve known throughout my life still exist. somewhere. out there. sticking with people it’s fun to see how they change but it’s disturbing that time continues on. maybe that’s why people change their social group every couple of years. to forget that life just keeps going on. but what’s so bad about that? i feel like the longer life goes on the more i would expect death to show up. i can’t imagine how my parents must feel to have a twenty three year old son, especially a son just up and walking his own path. my mother called me the future the other day, it was horrifically inspiring. i wish i could share the context. i believe her because she is ALWAYS right. so hella smart. sorry i mean wicked smaht. sorry i mean muy intelligente.

time machine

well when you said that i focus too much on the past i agreed with you. yeah i do it. i think about myself, what i’ve done, who i am becoming too too often. it was a lot worse when i was younger, when i was blindly moving forward, when i was stuck in my cocoon. so thank you because now when i do that i think twice and i think twice.

i did it!! yes i did it! i finally extracted all my old emails from my old email server. at the beginning of senior year of high school i found this old power mac that seemed to be in working condition sitting outside like trash. i was ECSTATIC because i had been wanting a powerpc for so long to write codes for (u know, risc!). luckily after three or four days i got netbsd working on it. i hacked for a couple of weeks, learning ppc asm. it was fun. i loved that machine. i guess mostly because i resurrected it from nothing into a fully functional unix system. anyway i was in the habit of running my own servers at that time and i decided that it should be my mail server, this was in fall 2003. about two years later the poor guy was finished. i think it was a power spike. the thunderstorms in miami are notorious for killing computers. so my mother moved last fall and this finally gave me a reason to try and save all my old data. see at that time i was also a very emotional teenager and i wrote very many emotional emails to my very good friend alex matzner.

now i am as big of a fan of obscure systems as the next guy but storing all my precious memories on a netbsd/macpcc install probably wasn’t my wisest choice but then again i never thought six years later i would actually care about the stupid emails i was saving on my home mail server. hah. life is funny that way. it was kind of an adventure trying to get my old data off that old hard drive. i had to read some netbsd kernel code. i ended up writing a fuse program to multiplex the drive using the netbsd disklabel partioning scheme, and then mounting the different partition files using the ufs kernel module (using loopback of course). it worked wonderfully! thanks fuse! thanks linux, thanks netbsd! you have made another dream come true.

so what has changed since then? read and find out.

Subject: magnetic.
From: rian 
To: atasteofink@aol.com
Content-Type: text/plain
Message-Id: <1081231546.70477.98.camel@www.thelaststop.net>
Mime-Version: 1.0
X-Mailer: Ximian Evolution 1.4.5
Date: Tue, 06 Apr 2004 02:05:47 -0400
X-Evolution-Transport: smtp://rian@mail.thelaststop.net
X-Evolution-Account: rian@thelaststop.net
X-Evolution-Fcc: file:///home/webmaster/evolution/local/Sent
X-Evolution-Format: text/plain
Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit

it took me a while to think of what i actually wanted to write. i
shouldn't have had to think about it, but theres a lot to say and
numerous places to start. haha, i'm lying. there are some things worth
saying and the rest are just dozens of thoughts and fears and etc.

one fear (and this is a completely ridiculous fear) is the fear of what
to write. that's a completely ridiculous and unheard of fear. i don't
even know why i fear the question of what to write, forget about that!

i was trying to sleep earlier, but i guess i looked out the window and
realized that i couldn't sleep yet. the world just seemed so big, so
vast, so attractive. and yet just hours early was i cursing it. the most
attractive thing was the smell of the air that i could only imagine
smelling from indoors. it was so big and attractive. i couldn't sleep
and i drank some water.

i tried sleeping again after that, after thinking for a little bit about
fears and thoughs, and i was looking at my arm. i looked away and
started thinking about my fears and thoughts as usual, and for a longer
time, then i looked back at my arm. the light in my room is beautiful,
i'm not afraid to admit it. and i think that's why i like being in my
room at nights, i set up the artificial light so nicely. i looked back
at my arm and appreciated the soft orange glow of my arm. i appreciated
all the tones and colors and hairs and skin, and i appreciated that i
was appreciating something so plain as my own arm. then i realized that
i wasn't even looking. i looked and i didn't know how i felt about life
anymore. i've accomplished so many things that i've set out to
accomplish and for the moment i was left with the task of falling to
sleep soon so i could wake up early and unfortunately finish off the
rest of my old life. even that realization didn't satisfy me and my arm
kept glowing and glowing. i couldn't look at it anymore, i closed my
eyes.

i forgot that i was alive. the question of what's next frightened me.
for a long time i've been living with ambition, but not real ambition,
some weird sort of ambition that i can't even put into words. this
ambition blinded me, and i forgot i had eyes, and i forgot i was living.
for a moment i remembered and i was happy to know that i could do
anything, and everything i wanted, say everything i wanted. the size of
the possibilities forced me to see, but i soon did close my eyes again.

when i forget that i am alive, i try to remember my life
chronologically. have you ever had a memory that you've never had
before? whenever i have those i wondered if i had always had it, and why
i did not remember it before. those are the memories i think intensly
about, but i don't really have to because the memory encompasses all
parts of itself, the words that were said, the situation involved, the
faces of the people. it all comes at once, and doesn't really require
much though. when i think intensly about them i wonder if they ever
really happened, or if they are happening right now as i remember them.
or maybe that there is no past there is only me right now animating the
memory in my head as if it is really happening. without memories time
doesn't really exist. and it is often that i fear that my current
situation will become nothing more than another re-animation of the past
in the future. boy! that's something that really does scare me.

i guess i'm bothered by not having an excuse to see my mother daily, or
my brother. not seeing my brother as a dependant child anymore nor my
mother as a provider. i'm stupid for not being closer to them, even
though we're already very close. it often seems like my life as a
dependant vanished into memory too quickly. and things changed from
status quo to status quo too fast also. i've told you before, i'm not at
all close with my brother, there was a time before high school when we
were, but i took the relationship for granted. i underestimated the
effect high-school would have on our relationship. i've already admitted
it, i'm afraid of the way things are now being a memory.

i have this memory of my sister listening to her walkman and swinging on
our swingset late at night. it was sometime before hurricane andrew,
since that hurricane knocked over our avocado tree onto our swing set. i
walked out onto the patio and called her and she couldn't hear me
because her walkman was on. i ran to her, asked her what she was doing,
i wanted her to push me in the swings because i did not yet knwo how to
do it on my own, but she declined, put back on her headphones and
started to swing again. the swingset was under our tree and i ran back
home, because it was late at night and i was scared of being under the
tree late at night because of spiders. when i made it past the tree i
felt a spiderweb, i felt the adrenaline rush through me as i brushed all
sides of my body, then re-entered my house. i must've been so young. and
i don't know why that memory stands in significance. what's really wild
is that i knew when all of that was happening that it would become a
memory.

when i look back, it almost feels like it took place in the future. i
wonderful flawless future. but it will never be again, that swingset is
gone, so is that tree, and so is that house. i would die a very happy
person to see my sister riding the swingset late at night with her
walkman on just once more, because she did it often in those times. it
was so common for me and i took it for granted.

some of the events of the past seem so symbolic, i wonder if they were.
i wonder if all the symbols of all of our lives really mean something,
really make us who we are when we don't even consider them important.
when that tree came down, and it was all cleared out and teh swingset
was gone, i woke up one morning and walked over to the tree stump and a
huge sunflower grew. it was beautiful. it was so larged and we all
watered it, and watched it follow the sun. it died shortly after it
seemed. i wonder what that meant. i always hoped that another sun flower
would grow again in that stump, i hoped for it so badly. it never
happened and it only makes the first occurance even more significant.

i don't wnat to keep writing about that, it got me really emotional. i'd
love to think about all of my past times, but i don't want to cram up
this email with memories you can't remember without sound, excitement,
and emotion. believe it or not i actually wanted to write about how it
is absolutely impossible for me to talk meaningfully with someone now,
and how it's been bugging me. haha what a topic to write about. what a
stupid bothersome topic. you knwo why i can't talk to anyone anymore?
because i've had it, it's really as simple as that.

i'm sick of talking about things that aren't important or trying to
relate to people who have way fucked up priorities and don't even
consider how i'm trying to relate to them important. fucked up people
who show no signs of love or compassion, and who focus only on winning
the pseudo-love and attention of other fucked up people. fucked up
people who are severly shallow and have forgotten who they are, where
they've come from, and what is really important. fucked up fucked up
fucked up fucked up people! where do they come from? aren't they sad?
what are they thinking about right now? what are they dreaming about?
what do they want? what or who is doing this to them or were they always
that way? born to live a life of emptiness and casual sex. i refuse to
believe i'm the only one with memories.

and that's why i just can't talk to people anymore. it's as simple as
that. everyone can just go impress the whole world and die trying if
they want to, i'm just going to let go and impress myself. anyway.

i closed my eyes, tried to dream, tried to feel something. at first i
only felt the bed. and i got scared that maybe i'll never feel anything
again, that maybe it was too late for me and that i may never again
remember what it was like to be alive. i prayed and thanked god for
everything that i've taken for granted. i prayed that god would enable
me to be myself again with someone and really talk, like i did before.
now, that really doesn't seem important though: what does seem important
is my family, however trademarked that sounds. surprisingly

i wrote this email and i felt something. i hope things are going well
for you. i'm going to boston on the 15th, i think you are having your
operation then. i'll be thinking of you. lots of love.
-rian

just friends

it may be it may not be finally starting to grab hold of my crazy self! keeping up with the mystery you have to understand that i am not a sad person. i am a living person with emotions and experiences and losses and heartbreak. i know what it’s like to have dreams crumble, to deal with a trauma, to watch someone abandon you. just because i know it doesn’t mean it haunts me. i can’t ignore that those things happen and the way they make people feel. they must be acknowledged. that’s why i know the meaning of “what’s the use of my wonderful dreams and why would they need me? where would they lead me without you? to nowhere. to nothing.” but now i am keeping up with the mystery ^_^

i need a car

i loved santa monica. thx mai!

champagne bubbles from Rian Hunter on Vimeo.

maybe

it may be

it may not be

finally starting to grab hold of my crazy self! keeping up with the mystery

you have to understand that i am not a sad person. i am a living person with emotions and experiences and losses and heartbreak. i know what it’s like to have dreams crumble, to deal with a trauma, to watch someone abandon you. just because i know it doesn’t mean it haunts me. i can’t ignore that those things happen and the way they make people feel. they must be acknowledged. that’s why i know the meaning of “what’s the use of my wonderful dreams and why would they need me? where would they lead me without you? to nowhere. to nothing.”

but now i am keeping up with the mystery ^_^

happy holidays: the album

april 20th 2008 hey girl :-*

sp@ce f@ces

1. 3/4
2. Courtyard Blues
3. Seb
4. Why Do I Love You?
5. A Beat
6. Drop It Off
7. Satisfaction
8. Anthem
9. Hey Girl
10. A Step
11. True Life

remember me one year ago? hey girl, why do i love you? ain’t go no true life.

happy holidays

things i love:

1. the linux kernel
2. slab allocators lol
3. antonio carlos jobim
4. astrud gilberto
5. evolution
6. showers
7. flip cams@@@

i take it back

i LOVE doing things at night

i LOVE new people