the light

smilez

you know what’s really cute? teaching someone and being taught to flirt. i wonder if i ever did that, like back in the day. i wonder if anyone has ever taught me. lol. i think i know a couple of people. so one day i was really lucky to be taught this lesson. the lesson is to be mindful of what you’re teaching other people. the thing is, being taught a bad lesson sucks. have i ever written about it before? it really sucks. and i know that you can’t control it because right now i’m probably teaching one hundred bad lessons.

if only you could be strong enough to always teach good lessons. strength. when i think of strength i think of a big pumping heart. is that weird? i think of raw ability. and power. but not only that, it’s like dependability. and victory. if you said that wasn’t weird. well.

i wonder when i’ll get old. i’m tempted to think of death. but i think that it’ll be relaxing. i wonder if life is about making a smooth transition. probably, duh. why not. life is about everything. everything is in life.

back to flirting. wtf? is that something? i’ve noticed that i never know i’m flirting until after i’ve been flirting for a couple of minutes. that is a sick feeling. especially when the other person knew it the whole time. it should always be like that. except some people are robots and flirt like robots and make love like robots. oh snap i said it.

so i try to always be good but sometimes i am pretty bad. pretty a shithead. how do you cope with it? how should people forgive themselves? oh i see. i see. i see. oh we try so hard. but you can see it everywhere. everywhere you look. people are so self-destructive. other animals don’t exactly have that convenience. i wouldn’t want you to hurt me, so i won’t hurt you. i wouldn’t want you to never forgive me, so i’ll forgive you. sounds so simple.

mad smilez 4 u

couldn’t help myself

props list:

1. allison
2. paula
3. eva
4. radmike
5. rurik
6. matea
7. albert
8. bryan
9. lauren michelle
10. amanda
11. mai
12. barry
13. gina
14. mike
15. rick
16. dugan (call you sooon)
17. amanda
18. alej
19. justen (wish i could hear you laugh)
20. ryan p
21. alex
22. okie

thanks for living in my life. thanks for listening to all the weird things i say and for saying weird things with me. thanks for coming to see my in san francisco. thanks for laughing when i laugh. thanks for knowing how i feel when i talk about how shitty other people can be. thanks for making secret plans with me. thanks for talking in irc with me. thanks for NOT sending me art. the end

in a stage whisper

Don’t you sometimes feel someone cares
Knowing you for the particulars of your own life?
Who held still as you walked into the knife?
Did you notice the face she was wearing
As she stepped into the light?

Everyone wants their own piece of the pain
A lock of hair
Take out your clippers
Tell it in a stage whisper

Sometimes you wonder
How many sneaking fools have your number
Is it safe to move in?
Everyone is watching

You’re a poster boy or girl
For a long hot summer
Inches give way to miles
Paint a target on your chest
To make it easy for the hunters

Everyone enjoys a piece of the pain
A lock of hair
Pull out your clippers
Tell it in a stage whisper

do you know?

do you? no do you? you do know? how do you know? tell me.

um basically yeah yeah. um yeah.

anyway this damned blog. if you can read these words, if you can even speak them, well then i hope i am communicating something with these words. why is this so vague?

well fuck. if it wasn’t vague

:P

ps. the font i like to use the most when i am reading this is times new roman. the fact of the matter is that i like times new roman. it’s how i picture reading my dreams. ALKJgfgjgjgjgjsaj lol no but seriously dreams like a dream in your dreams. if you have learned to read utc time by now then i am glad we’re friends. or maybe you are a stranger reading this? hello? how much do you know? do you know?

i wish i could publicly give props to people.actually i think i had one before. a props list. what if you had to give a props list every month??? who would you stay friends with? i’ll just say a secret thank you. even if you don’t think i am secretly thanking you, maybe whene you meet me you’ll know that i’m thankful. lol thanks! you make my life better everyday. or at least my life gets better everyday. i’m just used to writing but who isn’t really? when you can write you can create you can inspire you can unite.

alright f that

first of all apt-get source rules

x = j;
y = i;
if (x > 0 && x < context->width &&
*(addr + 1) != NOT_CALCULATED && *(addr + 1) == *(addr - 1) && y > 0 && y < context->height && *(addr + 1) ==
*(addr + scanline) && *(addr + 1) == *(addr - scanline)) {
*addr = *(addr + 1);
continue;
}
zim = im;
zre = RMIN + (j + 0.5) * xstep;
iter = 0;
qptr = queue;
ip = (zim * zim);
rp = (zre * zre);
if (rp + ip > rangep)
goto outset;
while (1) {
if (*addr != NOT_CALCULATED
#ifdef SAG
&& (*addr == INPROCESS ||
(!(x > 0 && x < context->width
&& y > 0 && y < context->height &&
*(addr + 1) != NOT_CALCULATED && (
(*(addr + 1) != *(addr - 1) && *(addr - 1) != NOT_CALCULATED) ||
(*(addr + 1) != *(addr + scanline) && *(addr + scanline) != NOT_CALCULATED) ||
(*(addr + 1) != *(addr - scanline) && *(addr - scanline) != NOT_CALCULATED)))))
#endif


so ugly

hmm i don’t even know what to say. pick and choose who you want to remember. i’m starting to become like everyone ten years older than me. came to san francisco, never looking back. i surprised myself when i said i’m not looking back, i could never see myself saying that before. looking back on the cold ugliness that is new england. god the weather sucks there. the people suck too and they’re so ugly. so ugly.

i wish i knew someone cool enough that wanted to do things like make art and music. actually put effort into it and saw a point to it. who didn’t base their self worth on the things they were good at. someone who wants to do new things without worrying if they’ll like it or what other people think. someone who would let a neglected and unknown part of themselves expose itself. someone who isn’t constantly judging the comfort level of any given situation. i can not i can’t. i fucking depend on lame ass boring people way too much. i just want to meet someone who gets it. who actually gets it. you know? the joke of life. life’s a bitch and then you die. if you get it and you want to collaborate on any sort of art, call me. anything is better than nothing. we can start slow.

just annoyed thinking of ugly people someone is who isn’t

someone like me

i wish that i wasn’t me so i could read my blog with another perspective. i really don’t understand what it must be like to read this through someone else’s eyes. what could you possibly think about me? what am i really trying to communicate? this blog isn’t about you, it never has been. even when you think i am writing about you, you know what? i might actually be writing about you. maybe i am just lying to myself.

i just remember something that you did and then i generalize it to all people. i try to see how everyone fits that. actually that used to be fun but i’m starting to feel like i’ve stagnated when it comes to analyzing people. i always come to the same conclusion, i always predict the same outcomes. in my wildest fantasies my predictions are mostly right but seriously that’s like a really boring way to live. i don’t feel like predicting the future. don’t feeeeeel like it. knowing the future sucks. it just prevents action, it encourages inaction. you know?

it’s so hard now. i just know things. i just know people. i see their insecurities, i see their desires, i see their confusion and i just know. oh i got it! i know the answer. surprise me! be unpredictable. throw me off. shake my vision. take the initiative. call me out and then please call me in.

anyway lately life is playing tricks on me. tricks. unfair tricks. completely unfair. it’s like there is no justice, only cruel reinforcement of how unfair life is. sigh but what is fair? me always getting what i want? no wants. there are no wants. at least if i could just keep what i have. hmm what i have…

that’s why i have a blog

being silly and looking through some of my old things i found my journal from senior year of high school and early college. hah, i really thought i had lost it. actually i found both of them. one is at home and one is here with me. bet you can’t guess what i wrote about.

i keep singing my song. my song, it came to me. it goes

why do
why do i love you?

and sad memory

can’t pretend to not know now

because when you said i’m sorry
you were not thinking
you can’t pretend to not know how that hurts
can’t pretend to not know now

one reason i really like san francisco

the best best best jazz radio station i have ever listened to is here. kcsm thank you so much for existing. you made my life so good last night. have you ever heard seven steps to heaven? i could have been on the verge of suicide and just listening to that would have inspired me enough to give life another chance.

i was in a bad mood when i wrote that last blog post. i kind of hate it, it’s so negative. i was just in a bad mood. i don’t care what “people” do. skim through my blog, it’s better than not reading it at all.

things are okay with me. maybe you can tell i am kind of tired. tired isn’t the right word. i am pretty content. in a couple of months i will have been here for a year and that is really hard to believe. i feel like i am finally starting to fit in. fitting into a city, an area. it’s a good feeling. i really want to get a car and drive through the forests, and i want to drive up the coast and i want to see death valley.

this entire post is me holding back what i would love to say.

more life

first i want to say that you probably won’t read anything useful after the second paragraph. most people don’t have the attention span to read someone else’s random thoughts and ideas about the way the world is, what is good about it and what is bad about it. people take away bits and pieces and then try to form the most convenient story for them, whatever makes the most sense to them. people are kind of gross in that way, focusing their entire lives on convenience.

see you probably just glossed over that entire paragraph. is it that hard to read something? is it really? is it that hard to open your mind to someone else’s thought? is it really? what is wrong with you? why are you so self-gratifying? why are you so flawless? why are you so blameless? have you looked in the mirror lately? haha, have you? haha.

acceptance is a large part of life. what does that mean? it means you have no choice but to accept. you have to accept that acceptance is necessary. you have to accept other people the way they are. you have to accept yourself the way you are. you have to accept the fact that you’re not perfect. you have to accept that not everything goes your way. you have to accept that you make mistakes. you have to accept that other people make mistakes. you have to accept that everything can go wrong. you have to accept that you can lose things. it’s just the way it is. it’ll be alright.

i’m going to share with you something that i think is really important for people to know. when times get tough keep it together. don’t go crazy, don’t fall apart. don’t get super negative, don’t become jaded. don’t preach to others about how imperfect the world is. don’t complain. i’ve done it all, it does nothing but make you look bad. breathe it all in, breathe it all out. repeat. tomorrow is a new day and so is the day after that.

it must be spring

i can hear birdies chirpin outside my window. earth became a great place when the flowers and the birdies finally came onto the scene.

spring is the best season. people don’t like spring because it’s just the beginning but i think the beginning is the best part. it’s when everything is intentional. psh no such thing as accidental flirting.