the light

don’t have

see through you

okay so here it goes: the power of choice. pretty amazing. free will. i am amazed. maybe i am the stupid one? haha. maybe it’s me…….. i keep wanting to write lots of periods, like an elongated ellipsis. i think it’s wrong. hhahahahaha.

what if someone read that and they completely understood. you could discern so much meaning from that moment. lol. i dedicate this post to many people. mostly the kind ones! being kind is a magic quality. probably divine. divinity. :D

anyway, hahah. missing people is really crazy. i like the word miss. miss been missing you. haha. lol do people even know that?

so i will probably read this later and try to remember the moment so i understand what i was.

i have life season one. i was so glad to finally have it. i can’t wait to see it.

saw him again

yesss it was so amazing. filled my soul.

too short

ya knowwww

i like the way my hands smell. it’s a kind feeling.

what if life was just living a smaller life over and over again. from the really good parts to the really bad. it would be so disorienting. it’s like a cycle. birth, life, death, birth, life, death, birth, life, death? birth? life? haha. what is real? what is imaginary?

when i was doing my laundry i had a brief flash of knowing what it was to be grown up. a feeling like acceptance, calmness, knowing, and seeing. but you have to really read the words to know what i felt then. you have to really think about those words together to get it. you won’t. what an echo! it’s so funny.

yeah i guess you can tell that i am healing. the path to healing is very… hmm. very? very complete? not over yet. things people have said start to make sense. there’s a whole future out there that i can see again. i had a such a kind idea of life before, i wonder if i really could have sustained it, i know i would have tried. but life now! i’ve had to accept so many things. it looks so different, it feels so different from what i wanted it to be. feels like i can float on a different wave, instead of sink. my dad said it’s a lesson that i had to learn, i should be glad that i was given a chance to learn it. i kind of am now.

i really won’t go into this but i’ll just ask it anyway. happiness. is it real? or is it just imaginary? should you dedicate your life to finding happiness? someone like me would tell you that you’ll lose it as soon as you think you finally have it, it would be true too. you wouldn’t believe me because true happiness lasts forever. it’s kind of weird i think. if happiness is just this big hoax then what should someone strive for? work for? what else is there really? haha. haha hshhf hahahaf. some people go on looking forever, some people give up too soon. everyone is different. maybe there is nothing, maybe it’s okay to convince yourself that happiness is real and comes from being/doing/feeling x.

whateverrrr the glass can be half full. that’s the kind of simple wisdom i like!

so i saw this man on the muni. he was playing this wonderful stringed instrument and singing along to it. i had never heard anything so suddenly beautiful before, i was inexplicably drawn to it. it sounded like the way music should sound. it was both happy and sad at once. oh i really hope i see him again. it’s like when i play guitar, i am what i play. to think that he was what he played, so happy and so sad at once.

two things

i saw synecdoche, new york. i, um, liked it.

ha hah ahsh fhfh ha hahfhfhhahahhahahhaha ahahaha a a a a ahah ha ha ah ahhahahaha. i laugh because i’m so happy.

also it is now the year of the OX.

bright and vivid colors

why do people keep secrets from each other. a friend told me this old danish saying “ten things don’t tell nine” haha what the fuck does it mean??? my best interpretation is that if you have more secrets than someone else, keep it to yourself because if someone knows more secrets about you than you know about them it’s a sub-optimal situation. i guess that’s why it’s called trading secrets. you can’t just give one away, why would you? why would someone keep your secret if they haven’t told you theirs?

people are bullshit. if you know me, if you even read this blog you’ll see that i give my secrets away for free. also i give my love away for free. ouch, big mistake. why would anyone appreciate it if they didn’t have to earn it? i had a little more faith in people than that, once.

anyway i do have a friend who i trade secrets with. it’s so natural. it’s almost like a real friendship. i say almost because i’m having trouble considering women as friends. it’s a shitty lie. they aren’t friends, they’re just potential fucks. that’s all the world is about. fucking. could anything be more right? i say, fuck everyone and anyone. fuck as many people as possible. you want a list with at least 100 names. fucking is awesome!!! it feels so good!!! it’s even better when you transitively fuck someone. like when you fuck someone’s girlfriend. i mean, what’s the stupid asshole doing with a girlfriend anyway? why fuck one person when you can fuck them all? the possibilities are ENDLESS.

ps. if you don’t know how to read between the lines you probably just completely misinterpreted the last paragraph so you are better off ignoring it if it offended you.

the census is sooo cool. so many facts. i got the census data on my neighborhood, you can also check wikipedia. lol the funny thing about the census data is that only 4% of the population (~1000 ppl) are around my age. actually it’s not funny, it sucks.

so nice (summer samba)

Someone to hold me tight
That would be very nice
Someone to love me right
That would be very nice
Someone to understand
Each little dream in me
Someone to take my hand
to be a team with me

So nice, life would be so nice
If one day I’d find
Someone who would take my hand
And samba through life with me

Someone to cling to me
Stay with me right or wrong
Someone to sing to me
Some little samba song
Someone to take my heart
And give his heart to me
Someone who’s ready to
Give love a start with me

Oh yes, that would be so nice
Should it be you and me?
I can see it would be nice.

softness

so it is 1:50am. really it is. i always think i know who reads my blog. i’ll be honest i have google analytics and it does geoip for me. it’s not hard to know you read it everday. it’s not hard to know you read it every other day. it’s not hard to know you read it every week. every month. kate sad people are entitled to their anonymity, as much as it hurts to say, she is right. every person is.

but that you reading. i think it’s called synergy. hold on: i think i found it. :D there’s another word i’ve heard before. i think it’s called meditation. i wish i could get you to understand the sweetness of meditation. and the caress of your touch?

it doesn’t matter who it is, i know they exist to you :D too many happy faces

i have my own! i think it’s secret. to be honest i don’t care though. who should care. i know no one cares. that is happy though. i don’t want anyone to care though. in fact i know you’re reading this if you care. really i do!

and next time you see me being a strange weird person doing anything that could be writing realize who i thought i was. i’m just happy for the internet the way it is ;)

and we all have our place. i’ll heart everything you make. i really will. never wonder if i won’t. to be honest i’ve seen it all really, that’s why i will feel something when i see it.

oh well!

so so sad. poor guy. if i lost astrud gilberto, i think my dad would have flipped his shit.

embarrassing

i hate how much i can relate to backstreet boys lyrics when my heart is all mutilated and disfigured. thanks rajiv!

i have trouble sleeping some nights

but most nights i fall asleep just fine. i remember this so that on the nights that i am stuck awake i stay calm and wait patiently for sleep to fall upon me.

south park is a dumb show. it’s so blatantly homophobic and sick.

2008. it was just so bad. i always imagined graduating from college, completely carefree, with a bright future ahead of me. instead it was a very abrupt and merciless wake up call. and it was real not imaginary. or maybe all my problems were just imaginary.

it’s funny how there are all these things in your life. so many things. some are real and some are imaginary. and sometimes you confuse the real with the imaginary and sometimes you confuse the imaginary with the real. i say it because i think people take almost everything as real but it’s just not so. what’s real in your life? what’s imaginary?

another question came. are people only either good or bad? is there no middle ground? what makes a good person? what makes a bad person? i’ve thought about this so many times. so so many times. there are good people and there are bad people. and it’s funny how good good people can be and how bad bad people can be. i think you can be a bad person who becomes a good person but i think it’s very rare to be both good and bad simultaneously.

so what is the distinction? a bad person works for herself. a good person works for others. a bad person wants it all. a good person wants to give it all. a bad person is plagued by confusion, a good person knows right from wrong. a bad person is cowardice, a good person has heart. a bad person is egotistical, a good person is selfless. a bad person is blameless, a good person is responsible.

people live their lives convinced they are good but it’s only because they’ve never had to face the decision between being good and being bad. i can tell you, being bad is almost always more appealing and it’s because we’re fucking human beings. large logical animals. the time will come and the circumstances will be right.

lol it’s so funny how epic the decision is. it really sets the tone for your entire life. some people don’t have enough faith to be good. a faithless person is just a gambler, constantly calculating their possible losses. life is more than covering your bases, maximizing your expected value. it’s so much more. you can’t trust a faithless person. a cheap gambler. that’s it, you just can’t. when the time comes that you’ll need them to be good, they just won’t have enough faith, they’ll be weighing the odds instead.

so i walk around and i notice all the people. they look so generic, so indistinguishable from each other. i wonder which ones are bad and which ones are good. who’ll do the right thing when the time comes?