the light

strength

life is vicious. people. i guess you can’t rely on people really. you can’t really rely on yourself either. so the bad times will come, undoubtedly. that’s hard to swallow. makes it hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. vision. many people lose their vision. these things are bound to happen, always wear a seatbelt!

oh and people will hurt you. how they can gut you. knife you. stab you, in the back, in the heart. so who can you trust? can you go on living without trusting people? doesn’t seem like much of a life. you can’t. even if you’re the only one who knows you don’t trust anyone, too too stressful of an existence.

so you gotta be strong. strength. when you lose your vision, strength to keep going. that’s all it seems like to me, the power to keep going. but i don’t know. i know very little about being strong, very few bad things have happened to me. i don’t think my problems really make the cut for a strong person, some people have it so much worse. where do they find it? how can you find it? those are my questions. when you have lost everything how can you be strong? maybe it’s important to remember the light in those situations. all things good come from the light. and you will know.

more to come

uh

christmas

no internet for a week

intense

christmas that is, not the lack of internet

scary shit

courtesy of dugan:

okay guys i need to tell you this

last night after helene’s party, dugan kemi jenni and i were in dugan’s old room
hanging out. we were talking about old childhood scary stories and stories we couldn’t
rly make sense of.

we started to hear wimpering and scratches coming from dugan’s old closet and we
thought it was just like homer or maybe trapped mface but we couldn’t find anything. we
then just thought we must’ve heard something wrong. then we started hearing like rly
intense and loud scratches and at that point it was obvious that something was in the
closet. so we went back to the closet to see what the fuck was happening and we heard
this loud voice screamed it was like a weird force that rly i can’t even put into words
and dugan nor kemi nor jbuz can either. it felt like a powerful evil force and i can’t
really explain it. the best i can put it is that it felt like the opposite of peace
like suffering and evil and sadness and pain.

this is just a warning. that room is fucking haunted and i don’t understand what the
fuck happened in there but anyone who is scared of ghosts / the supernatural should
probably avoid being near there.

holrshit the wowrld to skate please hep a secret my doll ? i love you.

holy shit the world said we two on a ski all right

and truly it was all good. both her and i. magical eclipse. beauiful sunrise.lol. i th ought you knew. the sunrise. did you see if tonight? it was half fun and orange. and large? did you serious? i’m serious!!! that is part of my story. who undetstaandandas? i love you who understands. you are one of god’s most beautiful creations. it was an angel from above. i saw him! :D i hope you did too maybe. :D

edit: i can’t resist blogging when i’m drunk

ugh this is fucking stupid

this is fucking stupid. this is fucking refucking stupid. jesus christ. how STUPID.

you know i really fucking hate to write sad stupid ass bullshit on my blog. no i’m fucking serious. it may seem like i like it but i think that’s because my soul was ripped right out of my body and that can seriously fucking hurt.

oh true it might seem a tad childish to use curse(d) words unnecessarily children are full of emotions and i am full of emotions. and serious light. someone i miss: klrfie. oh klrfie, where are you? how are you looking for happiness now? is that even how you operate?

this blog was supposed to be a funny stupid thing. and my serious intense strong emotions ruined it all. now it’s all myeh myeh myeh understand me myeh myeh. it makes me want to gag all over my keyboard while i’m typing this right now ghghg egh

kate linked me to this article one time that talked about how everyone is a collection of people. i’ve even felt like i wasn’t myself before. is that what it is? i am probably just being a different person. and this person just gets expressed in this kind of situation. oh oh i have another observation about love. you really love someone when you can accept all the people they can be.

BUT FUCK OBSERVATIONS ABOUT LOVE FUCK THAT STUPID ASS BULL SHIT

love isn’t universal. i talk about it like it’s all universal. it’s only in me. i’m the only love i know. god knows what anyone else is doing or if they could ever relate to why i think the strange things that i do. other people never even think about the word love. hah, love yeah right they say. in groups large masses of people, yeah right lol almost dying of laughter. listening to night and day.

like the wind needs the trees

bad moods

the weather has been so crumby in san francisco. soooo cold and it’s getting rainy. i never knew the weather could affect my mood. i’m not even sure if it’s the weather. i’ve just been feeling so frustrated lately. you know what it is? i think it’s the distance. it’s so frustrating. i think about all the people i like. all of them. they are so so far away. and then i try to cheer myself up and just try to have a good time but it really is easier said than done. what am i supposed to do? be happy and live indefinitely and just not miss everyone so much? what’s the alternative? live in waiting, live without worrying about time, live knowing that i’ll be with everyone again someday? but then i wonder if should take more advantage of the present. what if everything goes horribly wrong and i’m so far away? would waiting be worth it then? i guess i am scared of what will happen if i move on with my life. i just don’t want to move on with my life. what’s the alternative? live in waiting. maybe i just put myself in a difficult situation. yep i think that’s what it is.

it’s frustrating! especially when i have nothing to do. i never know what i should do. i spend all my time pining and longing. ugh it’s so pathetic. it’s so frustrating to feel like you can’t stop being pathetic and you know you should stop but you can’t. and then you feel pathetic. lol it’s such a vicious cycle. but i live everyday and i think everyday and i feel everyday so something must be changing. i guess life would be boring otherwise. i don’t want to settle in san francisco.

i wish i wasn’t so weird. that i could be numb to everything around me. just do what i had to do each day. not think so much about why i have to do it. i never realized how heartbreaking distance can be. how heart-wrenching it can be. and how long will it be until the solution is upon me? is there even a solution? does anyone else have to ask themselves these types of questions? why am i so alone?

bad moods.

sad

so i was going to browse for furniture today but i can’t now, it’s probably going to rain all day. how shitty. all week the weather was incredible and now i can’t even go out. it really sucks when plans are ruined and you’re all by yourself. i think i will probably go anyway. i want to get some fruit and probably buy a book. i also really have a craving for pancakes and french fries, is that too obvious?

i saw so many good websites this weekend. i usually never get to casually browse the web. i’ve had such a hard time having fun by myself. at some point i think i started to consider having fun by yourself pointless and a waste of time but now it’s starting to seem fun again. i used to have a lot of fun by myself. writing programs, playing music, drawing pictures, u know bein artistic. i hope it’s not a step backwards. i think i started living with too much definition, too much expectation. that is certainly a terrible thing. too much expectation is a recipe for disaster.

stood out when looking at postsecret. what a terrible condition! i guess i want to say that people shouldn’t do something until they are ready to stand behind their decision but that just isn’t fair in a relationship. you know, to wait until you are sure you want to break up with someone. but to do something prematurely is wrong too. maybe that’s why love is hard, sometimes it’s just in plain opposition to being humanly logical.

maybe it’s a mistake to think you know what love is. i’m starting to think that true love will reveal itself to you, maybe sometimes in a completely different form than what you thought. it’s just like life too, all confusing at first hard to finally accept. oh you know life & love. would i still be foolish to think you can be right & true? it’s the hard times that make everything confusing!

everyone asks

how old are you???

from now i am going to say seventeen. i was so happen when i was seventeen. well not really but i really liked the idea of being seventeen. instead of my twenty-third birthday i think i will be celebrating my seventeenth birthday :D

but lately everyone thinks i’m so young. i guess i never realized how young i look in comparison to other people. i thought it might be because i’ve been eating raw food and looking more young and healthy but really it’s only people who first meet me who think i’m young and i guess i rarely met new people when i was in school and even if i did they probably knew my year so there really was no confusion.

i was supposed to get a dresser today but i failed.

fuck yes fuck yes

my sister gave me this mix of all her music over thanksgiving. uh omg it’s so fucking good. so so fucking good. like candy for the ears. no actually it’s much better than that. it’s marijuana for the ears. yesss

not much new going on with me. people ignoring me as usual. people being boring having nothing to say. i thought i was the boring one! nope. i’m looking for a book to read. maybe i’ll get “stone butch blues” from borders and start on that. i hope it’s not too boring, i don’t even think kate’s finished it yet.

i got some things to say to you. you know don’t underestimate the power of being right. right & true. best things to do. easiest things to do. i think now i will live right & true. raise your hand if you understand.

my dad is following me on twitter now, soon he’ll learn how none of my twitters make any sense. maybe he’ll figure out everything i write is song lyrics with some sailor moon references. i’m friends with kate’s dad on facebook. i love parents they are so cool. i actually love them.

too psychic for my own good

i’m too psychic. i know things will happen before they happen. i frequently have deja-vu. i cry at weddings. i like long walks on the beach.

one time i lied for no good reason. i think sometimes people can ask you questions in a way that will make you lie. it’s so fascinating! sometimes the context of a situation can turn you into someone you’re not. i emphasize that sentence because i forget how true it is all too often. if i had a permanent notepad of things i need to remember it would be on it. sometimes i’m so easily swayed. i just told you how one time i lied for no good reason. it was because i was asked a question in a way that i should lie. it’s so cute when people intimidate each other or when someone is intimidated by you. in a perfect world everyone would just think it was cute and people wouldn’t abuse each other but you know, nothing’s perfect.

love is bad. you know why? because love is war! sometimes love is compromise. maybe compromise is unavoidable? is it possible for two people to want the same exact things? is that just not a steady state. if we both want it, does it suddenly seem less appealing? i don’t know what’s appealing anymore. you know i talk about being a good person but i fuck up all the time too. i guess a person can only do so much. can only be so much. there are observable limits to everything. if you put all your energy and attention into one thing, you’ll just naturally neglect the others. are these lessons? when you’re young, you’re spoiled and you want it all your way. in a incredibly personal post i would tell you what happens when everything goes my way. but i can’t in this post, no no no.

i realized what i want for my life. i want a window next to my bed. always. a window with a view of people walking. i used to stare out my window in the mornings. the sun would peer in and i would stare outward. find my place?

that’s just my life. everyone wants different things for their own lives. my own life. some places are just rotten, some places just put a smile on your face. and people too, some people are just rotten and some people just put a smile on your face.