the light

raw confusion

when i woke up yesterday morning. i felt so ready to wake up. i bent up and rubbed my thighs and hugged myself and yawned. i felt so happy to just be alive. you know how people are always saying things like “embrace life!” or “carpe diem”. i could never feel those things. for some reason i felt. just so happy to be alive just for life’s sake. despite my chronic loneliness.

the whole day actually went well after that. i really liked monday. even though i had a flight.

the flight. i flew from san francisco, ca to austin, tx (omg) to ft. lauderdale, fl. i read some of the etruscan chimera. i sat between the two most annoying groups of children. traveling is so exhausting. the whole i kept trying to think about what to look forward to. a lot of changes are going on with my family right now. so many damn things are changing. i really don’t feel like i have any guarantee on the future anymore, at all. all the expectations i had have been completely thrown out the window. makes it hard to do things.

that’s it. florida, south florida, miami, my mom, my dad, family. it just represents raw confusion. i guess it’s because it’s like wtf am i doing here after college. or just the raw confusion of post-college. i’ve never felt so confused in my life. yeah what the fuck am i doing? going to do. sometimes i feel so overwhelmed i don’t know what to do next. and sometimes more and more problems just pile up. it’s really confusing! whatever. no one understands, of course.

i really just wanted to make the point of how confused being in florida made me feel. that’s it.

never learn

have you ever wondered if you were too nice of a person?

i’m going home tomorrow. i am excited to go, i just hate the day before i go anywhere. i guess i just don’t know what i’m going to do there. i barely have a life in san francisco! miami used to be my home and boston was like my temporary place. now the whole system is fucked up. i have NO home anymore and NO temporary place. i have to just have one. i have to take all the good aspects of having a home and all the good aspects of having a temporary place and mix it together. lol it seems like instead i’ve been taking the worst aspects of both.

i like my apartment. sometimes. i hate that i live above quiet old people. i like that i live next to dolores park. i hate that i don’t live with a lot more people. i like that it’s so nice.

i always think about an adult’s living situation. it can be so lonely. or uneventful. sometimes i just feel bored being in my house. i never remember feeling bored at mit, hardly ever. sometimes i think it’s because i don’t live in a dorm and there aren’t always people around. i don’t think it’s that though. i think it’s that there was a strong sense of community when you’re on the mit campus. the fact that most of the people you see and meet and implicitly apart of this community. theres just always this predefined globally known thing that you can use to relate to everyone you encounter. it makes things so comfortable. so relaxed. most people are living very similar lives as you.

community like that is hard to find in the adult life. i think. sometimes i think about living in a house with lots of people. i don’t think it would be quite the same. the house will settle on an identity far too quickly. at least, the identity of the house is dictated by the inhabitants. so anytime someone new came around they’d be like “oh this is your house and these are all the people that live in the house. ah i get it, all these people suck.” the house is too small. it would get too exclusive and boring. mit is so big. it’s bigger than you’d care to explore.

what a problem! i would love to be part of a living community again. that everyone is proud to be apart of. i think that could be my only goal in life. life is so happy then. just wonder

also people fall for the same things over and over and over and over and over again. like me. i have this problem where i fall for the same thing over and over and over and over and over again. it’s like i never learn! i guess it never really does me harm either. that’s the foul part! if you have a to learn a lesson it should at least do you harm to not learn it. over and over and over and over and over again.

i need to get a haircut

ayes

vertigo is such an enthralling film. i feel like my breath is still taken away. every scene was so dramatic. and so much sexual tension between the characters. i need the longest sigh of relief.

today was great :D

i used to enjoy writing

a long time ago, i stayed home instead of going to school. i used to do that pretty often. maybe like once every two weeks. i never understood how someone could go to school consistently for five days a week. it’s exhausting. terribly terribly exhausting. if people have to be somewhere for five days a week i think everyone should be able to take one day off whenever they want to, at least every two weeks. it was like that in our house, i guess my mom understood that sometimes people just need to do things.

that morning i was lounging on my computer, probably not actually doing anything. maybe reading something or checking my email or being online. i looked to my left and i found this little paper. my brother had written a short story. the text spiraled from the outside in and at the center was an egg. i don’t remember the story completely but it was about these people who find a dinosaur egg. it was a really good story, i was definitely impressed. you know the feeling of being impressed? when someone does something that you think would be nearly impossible for you, except you aren’t jealous well maybe a little. that’s how i felt. i never felt like someone who had the potential for good writing but at that point i felt like my brother did. he had stayed home the day before and wrote it while he was bored. i talked to him about it that night but he was really shy and upset that i had read it.

writing is a good form of self-expression but you have to really know how to architect the words. i also think a moderately advanced vocabulary helps too. some people do this expression through stories. it’s hard for me to do that. well you know how i like vagueness and subtlety? i think a good story has to be exciting because only people with (relatively) boring lives read books. but people want their stories to be more than exciting, at least if they’re trying to express something, some feeling some inescapable truth about life.

sometimes i think about things and then i stop thinking about them and i sit around doing nothing. then later i’ll be enlightened with something that seems so true and evident. the subtle details of everything connect all the dots. my whole life is full of people who act without explanation. it’s all seriously really symbolic. i’m not sure if it’s possible to understand people if they don’t even understand themselves, something tells me yes. i guess i can’t really get mad about this like i used to in my old posts. acting without explanation being a confusing mess. i think it’s romantic. it’s part of the language. it’s good if two people can speak the same language. can’t blame people for not putting it into words, even though i think it makes one more civilized, maybe they can’t. maybe they’re not used to it.

i love the language though. it’s everywhere. even here.

it’s the same in stories. you rarely get an internal dialogue of every character. and it’s rare for a character to be obviously transparent. people just do things and you’re left to wonder what it means. some people just think one level deep, like the immediate meaning. but they’re so many factors behind why someone does something. i think that’s why writing a good story is hard. it takes a lot of experience to know how the plain actions of a person can map to the most complicated internal emotions, and vice versa. especially since there are so many different types of people but i wonder if we’re all following some similar recipe.

do you ever meet someone and you feel like you know their type? have met people that do the same things to get the same results. they react the same way to other actions. when i first meet someone i can always find some type that i’ve refined in myself over the years. i probably can only fall in love with someone who transcends all my learned types. hah that’s probably a bad idea, lol, a huge fucked up idea.

this morning

i walked home this morning. the weather was so beautiful. i usually feel very hopeless walking down the streets in san francisco. the city just looks so hopeless to me. i think it’s because i usually walk around at night. the air was brisk and the sky was blue sun was shinin. i was filled with hope. just not so serious. even though many things seem really fucked up, falling upon a mood where you can just be comfortable with it all. feels really valuable. sometimes everything can be really perfect and you just can’t find any comfort at all, that really sucks.

i like the length of my hair right now. and it’s softness, and it’s shininess. every time i touch my hair i feel like i’m petting myself. only i get to touch it.

i’m going home on tuesday. i haven’t been to miami since january. i’ve changed dramatically since then. actually in the past six or seven years i’ve changed so much. even in the past two or three years. what an interesting idea. my personality is so refined so specific now. i feel like an older version of myself. i think that’s good. at least i feel like i am who i should be by now. still a long way to go. i used to get high in my room and listen to stereolab.

i’m so glad that i’m doing my diet correctly. easing into it just the way i wanted. trying new things not being too radical. i do feel a little better. i wake up earlier at least. and i think since i’m eating so much fruit i have a lot more water in my body. talking to different people is exciting. some people have all the answers to your problems. because they’ve been there. if only more people knew what i’ve been through i could offer some advice (because who doesn’t like to?). i wonder if i’ve ever existed before. i would ask myself for so much advice. for instance, this one here.

so beautiful outside

so hot

my room is always so hot in the morning. i seriously hate facebook, i feel really gross using facebook. just looking at people i probably will never talk to. and that’s how it is, lots of those people i will probably never ever talk to. weird, maybe i should cancel my account.

i had dinner with jon yesterday. we talked about animals who go crazy in captivity. and animals whose life span is significantly lowered in captivity. we talked about doing the same thing every day. we talked settling down after our work is all done. he wants to own wolves. i think that would be neat but probably very time consuming. to raise a bunch of wolves. they are probably so needy as babies. but i guess all children are. am i saying i might want to raise children. haha god i don’t even know.

i actually do want a dog. so weird since i always hated dogs. everytime i watch “it’s me or the dog” the dogs are so cute and so fun. like when they take them in the car and they behave like little kikiheads. or take them on walks and they walk around with their tongues all out. lol. i like cats too, for cuddlin. i hate when dogs lick me. ESPECIALLY MY HANDS. LOVE CAPS LOCK

somehow. i always think depressing thoughts. like the depressing things i’ve noticed about humanity. the things people do to each other. i know there are good people out there. i just have to hope that i’ve met them. my dad says that obama reaffirmed his faith that there are good men left in the world. anyway i hate thinking about depressing things, there’s no wisdom in it. i just like to be conscious of everything, is there wisdom in that????

sunday night seven pm

favorite time of the week, no one knows why

still reading code. i’m so crazy.

sade sings this: “sitting here wasting my time would be like waiting for the sun to rise” GOD i love how perfect and subtle the meaning is. so perfect

lauren is amazing. how is she always happy and always cheerful. i guess most people i know are lol. well actually i know a lot of negative people.

what else

i like open minded people. peephole. i feel like everyone is so closed minded. like you sometimes can’t a creative word out without someone ripping your head off. fuck those ppl!! fuck them fuck them.

also friends tell each other secrets. that is my golden rule of friendship from now on.

double also

should i eat it? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Persimmon

fitting you in

i’ve been reading so much code lately. check out this comment from the GNU Pth library:

* This uses sigstack/sigaltstack() and friends and is really the
* most tricky part of Pth. When you understand the following
* stuff you're a good Unix hacker and then you've already
* understood the gory ingredients of Pth. So, either welcome to
* the club of hackers, or do yourself a favor and skip this ;)

lol so ridiculous i love reading random code for fun and finding stuff like that. i’ve been reading assembly and C code just for the hell of it. just to see how good other people are at programming. or like what they do, their style. but you know, programming is just programming. there is no point to becoming a good programmer if you aren’t going to program something interesting, something that actually contributes to the human race. i’m talking about a new super efficient numerical algorithm, or artificial intelligence. something that is actually worth reading. the best code is simple, concise, and readable. i read some statistic about the amount of lines of computer code that are executed everyday and it was some absurdly large amount. it doesn’t matter if all those people write shitty code because no one is probably going to read it anyway.

also these two women were amazing: Grace Hopper and Kay McNulty. so so so so amazing.

so yeah that’s how i’ve been spending my time. learning about computer things. i have a little something up my sleeve :D

in other news i am yet again writing in my blog daily. i want to say that it must be because i have nothing better to do with my life but that’s not even really accurate. i’ve just felt like i’ve had more time to do things. it’s just a feeling, like an illusion. i’m pretty sure it’s the raw food. ninety-nine percent sure.

so yeah now i’m too happy to write about anything. san francisco is beautiful and calm. i feel less and less unhappy about all the unhappy things. i don’t think about walking alone when i’m walking alone (lol okay that’s a lie, but it doesn’t bother me as much). other people don’t get on my nerves. i am just coming at peace with myself. again. or maybe for the first time.

you know what hurts? when it feels like everyone ignores you. or when no ones knows and no one cares to know. when you’re waiting for a question that will never come. it just feeeeeeels bad. but yah i suck at showing interest in other people’s lives too. i try! prolly not hard enough. all i ever do is ask people what’s up. ppl are too good at sidestepping that question tho. maybe it’s just too direct. it’s like when you meet a girl and get her number and purposely wait two days before calling. stupid little actually applicable rules like that.

mr. shadowsurf from gloucestor

oh come now

keep me writing

people are self-destructive. i know this because i am self-destructive but not even that much. if i am just even the slightest bit self-destructive then i know that other people must have self-destructive tendencies. also, i know that if i feel the slightest emotion then i know other people must feel the same things. oh you know like desperation, jealousy. bad emotions.

i find it funny to feel such things. i find it funny how different i am. you know not even six months ago there was nothing wrong with indulging in a bit of alcohol or having myself a pleasant smoke. now nothing could feel less desirable! maybe it’s the raw food. maybe i am growing up. maybe i am just taking on more and more responsibility. responsibility it calls, it knocks, you can avoid it but it’s always there waiting for you to just say “yes, enter my life.” i wonder if it’s like that for other people. if they feel the responsibility i feel. i always write about it. i think most people my age don’t. you know caught up in the direction of their own lives. my life is so concerned with my life and the sustainability of everyone i know. your probably wouldn’t understand. bouncing around, having fun, worrying about small little wonderful things.

i like being in love. it’s frustrating. it’s furious. i try to follow my own advice. just take life a step at a time. little steps. it’s hard enough to communicate. when you’re far away everything is just that much harder.

i can’t wait to go home! to see my family. even the word itself is comforting. but then i will just leave again. i want to be in love with my family, the same way that i could fall in love with anyone. i want to take them places, i want to go to dinner, watch movies, make art with them. all the things you do come from something beautiful. something beyond you, a little seed been growing since the dawn of time. where everything beautiful in the world comes from. a tree. a flower. a work of art. the force of beauty. of creation of progress of happiness of love. can’t tell if you could ever understand.

the problem of communication is interesting just in itself. i’m sure convinced that the deepest communication is wordless. what could you ever really have to say to another person. it’s always random. something to fill the space of silence. have you ever done something wortdless? i told you i was going to learn the language of animals. our body language. i love to speak without words. just to lose the reliance. the forced acceptance.

i’m sure i’m becoming too vague now. the point is that nothing can stop me. just my own little declaration. in the face of adversity i am growing stronger. my dad said it was coming. you know you can’t see life as this happy little fairy tale for too long without feeling the deep emotional complex interactions that go on everyday. within you, without you.

i hate talking online now. the way i do it. too literal too boring with old friends who have already said all they have to say. is that what you try to get me to do life? make me find new friends when my old ones get “boring” oh how rude!