the light

bblehh

it’s halloween. there are decorations everywhere. there are things you can buy. people are having parties. people are buying costumes.

i didn’t want to write about halloween. actually there’s nothing i want to write about. well i did but now i feel calm. i am mostly happy.

hates me / being vague / post college omg

i wonder how many people are out there on the internet that are just like me. grew up to value the same worthless things just like me. teenagers value things like being misunderstood. probably in the hopes of creating value for themselves. yeah. sometimes you can look at people and just know. i’ve talked about this. just knowing. no hints. too obvious.

but that’s not what this is about. even long after just knowing then there is non relevance. unimportance. i think about the six billion people living on this planet. i think about ants in an ant pile. could be depressing. sometimes it almost is. i think about immaturity and selfishness. there are so many people in the world and people are still used to living in very small groups. it’s interesting and hard to understand. people glued to their computers. wide world out there.

so then there are all the little interpersonal experiences going on. how much weight we put on ourselves and everything going on around us. it’s hard to justify the importance when there are so many people, so much hardship, so much time. i walk outside at night and i see orion’s belt. every night. just for a moment i wish i was sleeping by the starlight.

do you know how i feel? not sure how many people feel this way. people used to be so much more impressive. now whenever people act irrational they just seem bratty, spoiled. god, people are just their thoughts. i would love it if someone would just lay on me all of their thoughts (and emotions). lol yeah right. yeah right. get real. no way.

just like i’ve said ten times before. yeah right. i think a human thought in context is worth a lot. in context? you know, like the context of your life. not some random topic that you’ve never thought about. the things you think about. everyday, every hour, every minute. sometimes i wonder if anyone ever thinks or has anything to say. it’s so hard to get that out of people. it’s incredible how much filtering goes on. i bet even unconsciously. i’m a hippocrate? nooo, just ask me what i think about or worry about everyday. i could talk for hours. days. years. my problem is that no one asks, so i wonder if anyone cares. even more than that, i wonder if anyone thinks about things on their own. or recognizes their own needs. maybe i’m just the only one who thinks about things. maybe everyone else just let’s their mind wander aimlessly all day. never curious, never interested, maybe just ephemerally. for a second, you know.

somewhere i found out that the things you talk about are the things you think about. i think my dad told me. sometimes i listen to the things people talk about. and i think “god this is what you think about, all day, this is what runs through your mind” not that i am really surprised as much as i am surprised that i realized that about a person. sometimes i talk about poker and i think to myself “oh lord i’ve been thinking about this a lot”

i also think a lot about influence and behavior. i have always been very mindful of this. for a long long time. i try and fight the bad influences. or the ones i don’t want to absorb. when i was in high school while i would go back and forth from school i would sometimes lecture myself on the important of staying yourself. being creative being smart. being thoughtful, mindful, fair. sometimes i think about the people who try to be perfect people. not perfect but you know, have it “all together.” they seem so foolish to me. self image can be important i know, but perfection is overrated. i’d rather wear my imperfections on a sleeve than always be “better” (more intelligent, richer, better looking, better dressed, nicest person, etc.) than everyone around me. it’s just a joke really. it’s like “great, you win again” the best person is super lame and super fucked up. society has got you confused. but really it’s got everyone confused. everyone trying to fit in, finding their value. being misunderstood.

post college. san francisco is full of people in their twenties. i mean, people in their late twenties. why stop there? it applies to everything. why stop? blah

seepy

seepy is baby talk. guess what it means?

i’ve been sleeping a lot more. i really like my eeepc. i’ve been writing so much code. and i have been dealing with lots of shit and it’s almost halloween. god i love programming. but i really want to mark art. large large art. i want to draw really detailed pictures in pencil. then i want to go over it with a dark inky pen. i’m not sure how i will color these pictures. something very saturated, like markers or oil based paint.

i also want a book. i miss the etruscan chimera. so hard to find a good book. i have this book about raw food that kim gave to me as a present so long ago. it’s funny, i think i might just start it. so many books are really boring.

too seepy to write. hoping for a good blog day soon.

i should have known better

I should have known better with a girl like you
That I would love everything that you do
And I do, hey, hey, hey, and I do.

Whoa, whoa, I never realized what a kiss could be
This could only happen to me;
Can’t you see, can’t you see?

That when I tell you that I love you, oh,
You’re gonna say you love me too, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, oh,
And when I ask you to be mine,
You’re gonna say you love me too.

So, I should have realized a lot of things before
If this is love you’ve gotta give me more
Give me more, hey hey hey, give me more

Whoa, whoa, I never realized what a kiss could be
This could only happen to me
Can’t you see, can’t you see?

That when I tell you that I love you, oh
You’re gonna say you love me too, oh
And when I ask you to be mine,
You’re gonna say you love me too,
You love me too
You love me too

call me

my blog has slowed down. i’ve already written so much. not sure how repetitive i am. i think that i am very repetitive. if you keep reading it means you like me. all my random thoughts.

last night i watched the big lebowski while half-asleep. it wasn’t that great. i wrote a lot of code on my eeepc during the past two days. i’ve started to wear my vassar sweater again. walked down market street at three in the morning. ended up at baghdad café for the fourth time. albert was telling me and rajiv about the greatest starcraft players and how they’ve been dethroned over the years. i thought about it and i thought about all the greatest war generals and kingdoms that have come and gone over the years. lol i’m such a freak.

so i woke up today at 2:53pm. in shock. i must have been so tired. i feel great now though. usually when i wake up so late i feel shitty but i feel so great. the sun shines directly into my room and my room is a little oven. when the doors are closed.

take care of yourself

came back from boston. at three thirty am this morning i woke up to the unfortunate sound of my cell phone alarm. got up. and looked out the window for a long time. i always do it the same way. i think about how many times i looked out that window never feeling the way i do nowt. when i would wake up and look out that window i never had to think that it might be my last time. that there is explicit and obvious end to what i am seeing.

so i got up and i stayed looking. just. i don’t know what i was doing. i guess i was just in disbelief. i get so confused when i leave boston. so so confused. i never know what to think anymore. it’s just kind of obvious that there is no going back. not that i want to go back. that’s the thing, i don’t want to go back!

this is a dream i had when i was in middle school. i just searched my entire blog because i could have sworn i wrote this before. i didn’t. by now, the dream is just images and feelings, no real story. i’m walking in my old elementary school and i’m so so happy. then one of my old teachers sees me and says “hey what are you doing here? you’re not in 5th grade anymore!” so i ran into this classroom and hid underneath a desk. someone found me and dragged me out and i was kicking and screaming. it was a very vivid dream. when i woke up i thought about it a lot. i thought about how i just don’t belong in elementary school anymore. that i could never go back.

i didn’t know what to expect from the trip. haha, so funny how i always feel like i’m walking on thin ice these days. my confidence has definitely been shaken. it’s not all a bad thing. good to know that i am still emotionally mortal. i think about that and sometimes i see a path to a stronger confidence. it’s no longer tainted with utter lovelessness as it used to be. that is good. i am still human. do you ever think about lovelessness? god it can be so depressing.

just little things i think.

it was a good trip. i always wish i could stay. and here we are back to what i was originally talking about. i always wish i could stay but how could i stay? where is my place? it’s so contradictory. i guess that is how transition works in life. there is probably always this little period of confusion, instability and then i think things settle into something stable.

stability! i once knew you. you’re just a memory now. stay away as long as necessary. i know you’ll ease back into my life, just not too soon? :D

bleh blah bleh feelings feelingss feelings. i didn’t sob, i didn’t weep, i got out of bed, put my clothes on, got my book, said my impossible goodbyes and left, forgetting my book. did i tell you about my book? it’s called the etruscan chimera. i got it at this random mit libraries book fair. i really don’t know why, guess because it was cheap and had the word etruscan on it. it’s about this antique dealer who is hired to purchase or otherwise obtain this ancient etruscan artifact. i thought it was really dumb at first but now i quite like it. the main character has a cool personality and the book takes a really good turn early on. i left it in kate’s room. the part of the story i was at was where the main character had run into an unexpected outcome and is just roaming the italian countryside, confused and killing time. i just ride with her talking to all the strange men and women. i love getting into a book. i like learning things about other people by reading. blah blah.

it was a good trip. when i sat down waiting for my flight to begin boarding they starting playing this song on the radio. tears for fears, everybody wants to rule the world. god how many years have passed since that song was recording. why am i all alone at the airport at 5 in the morning in boston, going to san francisco. everyone around me, straight faced dealing with their own problems. why is this song so old and how did i get here, how did i let myself get here?

in my mind i’m still staring out that window. thinking about the future, thinking about the past, in disbelief at the present. that long walk home and how i could never say goodbye.

kaze wo atsumete

machi no hazure no
senobi shita roji wo sanpo shitetara
shimi darake no moya goshi ni
okinuke no romen densha ga
umi wo wataru no ga mieta n desu

sorede boku mo
kaze wo atsumete kaze wo atsumete kaze wo atsumete
aozora wo kaketain desu
aozora wo

totemo suteki na
asaake doki wo toorinuketetara
garan to shita bouhatei goshi ni
hi’iro no ho wo kakageta toshi ga
teihaku shiteru no ga mieta n desu

sorede boku mo
kaze wo atsumete kaze wo atsumete kaze wo atsumete
aozora wo kaketain desu
aozora wo

hitoge no nai
asa no KO-HI-ya de hima wo tsubushitetara
hibi wareta GARASU goshi ni
matenrou no kinuzure ga
hodou wo hitasu no wo mita n desu

sorede boku mo
kaze wo atsumete kaze wo atsumete kaze wo atsumete
aozora wo kaketain desu
aozora wo

what makes me mad

so if i wrote it down, would it even really matter? i do so many things to upset other people that i really have no right. obviously i do have the right, but my words just that meaningless.

really i think it’s only other people that get to me. what else could? i have this drawing next to my computer. it’s nice. it makes me sad and it uplifts me at the same time. when i’m confused or moody or emotional it calms me. i think about who i could have been that you would have drawn me like this. what my life was like. things change and it’s interesting. people survive because they can adapt when things change beyond their control. i think about that a lot. it can be so sad or you can get over it. maybe i’m just a fool for thinking there is divinity in trying to make things last. i can draw no conclusion, really who else does? just kids.

love the way people draw me, so accurate. i don’t have a great idea of what i actually look like, it’s an okay idea. from the drawings i’ve seen of myself i have a stiff body. straight stiff shoulders. long (skinny) legs. i’ve always had this stiffness in my upper body, i thought i had gotten over it. tall and i smile. i often wear t-shirts. they’re so comfortable! so are sweaters :P i really like clothes now. i just like looking different all the time. another high school memory. when i was in the 10th grade my sister bought me this plain black nice-fitting hoodie. i loved it. dead loved it. i wore it probably all the time. it got so ratty. i started to feel uncomfortable wearing it. a lot of reasons why. i was a kid, i was growing, i was changing all the time. and i felt like it was holding me back. i felt like i couldn’t act like an older, more care-free and mature person when i wore it. it made me feel ugly and immature. i still get that way when i wear a certain piece of clothing too much. probably even more so now. i want to jump into the other extreme and just wear lots of random clothes. be whatever i want to be whenever i want to be. don’t worry, i still know it’s just clothes. who knows, i’m too emotional.

and everyone is so different. i’m always trying to understand people and learn more about people, everyone i know. even people i think i already know so well. i’m so terrible. it always ends up that i’m assessing a situation one way and the other person has a completely different perspective of what is going on. i try to think of every possibility. i use little memories and try to apply them. all i can really understand is how i once felt myself. i wonder if that’s how it is for everyone. or do other people even really care about connecting with other people as much. probably not. i’m a freak.

i just hate sad stupid emotional situations where everyone loses. the end.

anyway since i’m so horrendously bad at communicating with other people i usually just cop out and become super honest. that never really works either. i guess the presence of honesty in another person doesn’t really do much. i guess it can throw you off. when you communicate so cryptically through body language or other language honesty probably doesn’t seem like honesty. maybe just more meaningless words in a cornucopia of meaningless words.

sometimes i think that verbal language is too mechanical. meant for direction and literal communication. these are the literal events that occured, this is a literal description of what happened. maybe i’m just a fool for thinking you can effectively communicate how you feel with words. i think there is another language for that, i think it encompasses body language. it’s subtle. yeah. i want to get better. i will get better. and i’ll be a different person then. i’ve just always ignored it because i hate it. yeah that’s right, i hate it. i’m just too nerdy to get it. it’s probably what i need in my life. i’m always talking about subtlety. romantic love. such a big nerd, i don’t even know the first thing. i imagine all my heros were extremely fluent.

i wonder if prehistoric humans fell in love. i don’t mean ephemeral transient puppy love. i mean like dedicated, i’ll stay with you even when times are tough love. i wonder if they played games with each other’s hearts. feeling each other out until they knew they were serious. hurting each other. they had to have spoken the language so much better. i guess there have been many people who have lived and died. and people are different. some people like a life where they can go from person to person, occupation to occupation, place to place, on and on, ad nauseam. i don’t want to criticize them, i know they exist. i don’t understand myself or what the allure of “dedicated love” is. everyone is different. life just seems so empty, so transient, so vulgar otherwise.

suspicious bottle flowing down the river

bumps corners

flips from side to side

a beaver tosses it to the side

nests in a compost of mud and dead plant matter

dislodges

further and further down the river

off a cliff!

down the waterfall

slow slow slow

avoids all rocks

plunges into the depths of the river

dream date

our apartment is getting nicer. we now have a couch, a thing to put our tv on, a garbage can for the kitchen, and some other random home things. my room is still pretty bare but i at least have lighting, a desk, and an itunes/speaker setup.

yesterday i was so tired. i laid in bed all day and just let itunes play. it was marshmallow coast. it was nice. i listened to marshmallow coast every morning for many mornings when i was in high school. never understood it. now i understand a lot more. i feel like it resonates so well with how i feel about myself and my life and i wonder if maybe listening to it so much as a kid is the reason why. it’s about independence, being misunderstood, good things dying, and self-discovery. music lyrics can be so vague, just like the way i write. after going through so much pain i just wonder what everyone is singing about. what specific events. how much am i projecting myself onto everything i listen to? i hope it’s not too much, i don’t want to trick myself.

i thought about when i will be making music. my keyboard is in boston, far, far away. my guitar is still busted. despite all this i learned how to play dreamer today. why are my eyes always full of this vision of you? why do i dream silly dreams that i feel won’t come true? i love to sing what i feel. to so perfectly manifest feelings into voice. it’s like magic. a gift from heaven.

the weather has been so beautiful here. every morning the sun peers into my room, its rays do a slow dance on my walls, the sky so blue. kinda cold but i love wearing sweaters anyway.

i’ve been in san francisco for four months. that’s one third of a year. does that make sense? moving here was so stressful. still there is this void. one of my favorite idioms is “don’t try to fit square pegs into round holes.” it’s funny because my dad told me that, already been known it. i think a lot about what should fit there. i can close my eyes and let my heart present it to me. it’s funny the image that comes to mind. are you sure? i told myself that twenty-two has probably been the worst age of my life. just bad because i had to accept so many things about life that i’ve never had to before. maybe it will actually turn out to be the best age of my life. haha i can hear myself laughing fifty years in the future. funny kid.