the light

emotions/people/stories to tell

here i am sitting at my desk and looking out my window again

listening to this band rick told me about, “loose fur”

wondering what’s my new life and what is my old life

i took the muni this morning and i finally felt it. like life was an adventure again. i thought briefly about everyone i’ve known and know. too soon after everything was everything. twenty-two who knew?

edit: ha ha ha ha no it’s true, finally old enough to accept the sunlandic twins, ha ha ha can’t believe it’s true, twenty-two who knew?!?

truly truly truly outrageous

jem is back in my life

she’s truly truly truly outrageous.

Also, I’ve decided that I’m going to type like this from now on. Do you notice anything different? Oh, you don’t? Typical. I have so many people to call.

Truly, truly, truly outrageous.

i’m totally confused by you

hello san francisco!

hello SFO!

hello BART!

hello Montgomery Station!

hello Market St!

hello Union Square!

hello Dropbox!

hello!

dan deacon?

amazing i saw dan deacon last night. i really just like him for drinking out of cups. as for his music, oh it’s too loud for me.

but i was wrong! i WISH i had brought my flipcam. i was hanging around off to the side, too sad to move my body. but at some point i couldn’t control myself, i just had to dance. dancing is a really happy thing to do. hmm i shouldn’t say happy. there is this freedom associated with it, this release. i just wasn’t ready to make that release but then dan deacon ripped it right out of me. it was a lot of fun.

lol then he made everyone have a dance contest. i was all for it at first but five minutes into it the reality that i could actually have to participate was too much pressure, so i ducked out to the back (with rurik who had been there the entire time, lol).

oh did i mention this was at wellesley? we were like two of 5 guys. rurik and i were sitting down on this couch in the back of the dance hall and these girls kept looking at us and making nasty faces. and then this one girl came up to us and was like “you guys came all the way here to sit on a couch?” in my mind i was like “hah if only u knew” i don’t remember what rurik said, i think we said “it’s complicated” hah i think that’s a good thing to say when you don’t want to explain a special circumstance.

to be honest there was no special circumstance, at least not for rurik. my mom said to not have fun if i don’t feel like having fun. i think that’s good advice.

anyway, we left early because we were danced the fuck out and kind of bored. wellesley apparently has this pub and yesterday they were havin $1 beers so we just drank at the pub and talked to some of mai’s frens. eventually dan deacon came out to the pub and i told him that i absolutely loved and lived for drinking out of cups and i asked him how it came about. apparently he was the voice and it was supposed to be a satire (?) of typical dudes from long island, where he grew up. i told him i thought it was the best video i’d ever seen and that he’s an artist. he signed my dollar bill (which i was stupid enough to pay the toll back with, UGH).

no one wanted to leave me by myself at wellesley hah. apparently guys are never left unchaperoned. it was just slightly weird to be at a college when we just graduated school. we kept having to tell people we just graduated and it felt just slightly creepy but not really. i talked to a lot of girls. not flirting, i couldn’t flirt, just good conversation.

there was this one girl who was absolutely nuts. she made fun of rurik because his sweater was ripped. i just started to laugh hysterically in that way i do. she was so feisty but so needlessly offensive and combative. it was really really annoying. she asked me about my childhood so i told her all the horrible things i could remember. i wanted to freak her out to get her to go away. me and rurik really hated her but then mai’s friend told us that she had been trying to flirt with us.

what kind of flirt is that! i wonder where she learned to flirt like that. at first i thought that she was destined to repel men for the next x years of her life and i felt bad. then i thought that there might actually be guys out there who like that kind of interaction, find it enjoyable. this world’s a big place! i thought about what i found enjoyable in flirting.

we came home listening to optiganally yours. another memory came to me.

but i know what i want

darling, calendar days are falling.
ginger hays, you’re bittersweet, we don’t even speak,
anymore.

trampoline we hide and talk
turn off the lights and took a walk
cheshire smile, golden knives in the dark

oh ho
uh huh
oh hoho

was it swell?
like your soul is well as golden love

feeling it’s like an insane feeling
crazy glue you’re bittersweet
we don’t even sleep
anymore

hallucination root canals
masturbating in bathroom stalls

i’m so fucked it doesn’t matter, anymore

new layout

!!! i know it’s kinda boring, lol my little egg picture.

so glad to not be using that crappy other theme. i will probably elaborate more on this one later.

all i want to do is take ya money

uh

so one time i made a post and it was like “oh lol my life is grat now” hah so ridiculous. was it true? who knows the answer to questions? all questions? seems like there is just one question. it’s an easy one “why?”

rurik says there is a phoenix that rises from the ashes. i look around and i see them all. flying flying flying flying flying flying flying. free. they all speak to me. and i wonder, could i fly like that? and could everyone fly with me? that’s what i want.

my dad says that i need to write myself a list of goals. goals? hah i only have one goal and i was too embarrassed to say it. the words wouldn’t come out. i tried so hard to say them all together but they could only drip out. i asked myself, humanity without goals? everything loses its meaning in the experience of life. art and self-expression are first to emerge from the ashes. i hear a whisper in the distance. calling. beautiful bright phoenix.

one night i was in bed. a boiling cauldron of thoughts. this monologue, that monologue, and another one. the words just dripped out. each just a ripple, lost their chance at a splash.

it all comes out! i didn’t want it to be like that it’s just, this is who i am. the tiger snarls, the horse bleats, the coyote howls. i’m telling u, i’m looking out into the distance. it’s calling! i can even see the fire start to burn the sky red. because all i want to do is make art with you.

life asks me, what are you going to do? i reply, i don’t know. life texts me, what are you going to do? i reply, leave me alone. life is on call waiting, what are you going to do? just let me finish this call first. life comes over, knocks on my door, what are you going to do? keep going. the last i heard of my friend life.

listening to rick and ryan and dorys’s music. i <3 my generation. i’m totally confused by you.

the story

here i am. it’s 6:15am and it’s yet another morning riding the subway to school. let me tell you about every morning. every morning i wake up at 5.07am and stretch and stretch. it can’t be 5:09am already? ugh my alarm is going to go off in a minute. it’s 5:25am and i’m running out the door.

i speed-walk my way to the train station. should i put on my headphones? not enough time. pass by the same tree. run down the same sidewalk, cut through the same buildings. every morning it’s the same thing and it never changes. i wonder if i could ever remember each morning differently if i do the same thing every morning. i wonder.

quickly i insert my tokens and not before long the train comes and i’m breathing a sigh of relief. oh it’s always the same sigh. i wonder if it’ll ever change. to be honest waiting for the train is actually one of the most painful things to do. painful. you’re just always either kicking some post or singing some song to yourself. or maybe you are absolutely depressed and just thinking about how depressed you are. maybe you are solving a math problem in your head and thinking of a computer program that could do it for you. or it’s the most amazing song, you live it and it lives you. a song. of course you use your only means to re-generate that beautiful music and you whistle. wissel. weesall. tweet tweet

whistlin’ just a whistler

other people listen and you hope they do because not many beautiful things in life are that common. at least i don’t think so.

and how many beautiful things are there in life? i wonder. and who’s the beautiful one now? still wondering. who was the beautiful one before? who will be the beautiful one in the future? still, still wondering. do you want to be in a secret club?

here i am. on the train, again. i need to write it down because i need to feel like i’m alive. will i just forget it all? everyday on this train? just in front of me some kids from school are being really loud and being really boring. is everyone boring? do cool people actually exist out there? i know you think they do. i know you think you will meet really cool people.

or just a friend. meeting a friend would be nice. or maybe even a girlfriend. what would you do to have a girlfriend? would you fall in love? would you get married? will that make you happy? will things start to change? all i am is questions. and all i want is answers. who’s wants some questions? i’ll take some answers.

school is so boring. i am only happy ten minutes before class ends. my mood changes. i start to make conversation. maybe i start taking it easy on my work. oh it’s all easy anyway. what isn’t easy is being alone. having no friends. nothing to do on friday, caturday. it was new years and i was watching tv all by myself. no one wanted to hang out.

and that is exactly where i am going now! off to school. maybe today something will happen, maybe today she’ll stop to talk to me after class. maybe not. she never, ever does. where does she go?

where do i go?

if you got this far we should be friends. that’s all. friends. friends. just be nice to each other. say kind things. or we aren’t alone. we don’t have to talk much. we can plan adventures, vacations whatever you like. i’ll work hard and you can work hard, and we’ll do it. if not we’ll figure out why together. we’ll think together. solve problems together. i should say frens. you my fren. it’s baby talk. it means i love you.

boston

im in boston. the weather is beautiful. lol not

life is so interesting. so challenging. so many other good things and bad things.

i’ll keep u posted. love is still the answer :)

fotografia

Eu, você, nós dois
Aqui neste terraço à beira-mar
O sol já vai caindo
E o seu olhar
Parece acompanhar a cor do mar
Você tem que ir embora
A tarde cai
Em cores se desfaz
Escureceu
O sol caiu no mar
E a primeira luz lá embaixo se acendeu
Você e eu

Eu, você, nós dois
Sozinhos neste bar à meia-luz
E uma grande lua saiu do mar
Parece que este bar
Já vai fechar
E há sempre uma canção para contar
Aquela velha história de um desejo
Que todas as canções têm para contar
E veio aquele beijo
Aquele beijo
Aquele beijo