the light

yawn

i don’t think i’ve ever been this tired in my life. seriously. it’s a very interesting feeling but hardly enjoyable!

i’m probably going to sleep all day soon. maybe for two days. i’m hoping to dream. dream about far away places. that would be nice.

this blog is getting so dumb. never write about anything actually enjoyable (2/2) just about a lot of stupid meta-crap. maybe otherwise i probably wouldn’t have much to write about

did that just make sense?

ugh never satisfied, someone please train me in the art of satisfaction

also i can’t wait to have my apt. with a dining table and a couch and a balcony and a sliding glass door and a sliding closet and a bed and windows and decorations and probably art and friends and wines and tv and snes and a radio and jazz. all kinds of good things come with having a place to live can’t wait

one of my favorite stories comes from when i was 13. me ‘n the gang were hanging at jorge’s house as usual except this time was different. i think it was his cousin’s birthday and they were having the party at his house. anyway, we were in his room hanging out and talking and stuff when his 9 year old cousin came in to talk to us. “do you guys have girlfriends?” “no” “no” “nope” “i had a girlfriend” “no” we all answered except for rick. he was sitting down on the floor against the wall staring into space, as usual. jorge’s cousin goes up to him and asks “hey, you, rick, do you have a girlfriend?” “yeah… my hand.” hahahahahahahaha

what’s really funny about that is that i didn’t realize what he meant until years later, HAH! rick is a pretty amazing person in that way

trade-offs

one of the most glorious concepts i have ever experienced first-hand. deeply deeply intertwined into everything we know and understand. trade-offs are everywhere, everywhere where different outcomes are possible and that is everywhere. you’ve heard it many times in many forms. there is no such thing as a free lunch. learn it, breath it, know it, live it. you always lose, you always gain. but which is more important?

you know what else? some things are just too obvious. i think when you reach a certain age, experience enough things you just know. you don’t have to think. you just know. given this current state, you know the next state. you know the next step and it won’t surprise you. and now is where i can say there are two kinds of people. smart people, take their gift of foresight and use it, they play with it, it becomes a part of their hand, who’s bluffing? they usually win and make it look easy and it really isn’t hard.

then there are those people who ignore it, cast it off, don’t play with it, don’t factor it into their hand mostly because they don’t realize they have a hand. see it all happen and laugh/cry to themselves later when the event has come to fruition and they didn’t do anything to stop it. what could they have done, really? you can’t change the future, even if you can know it.

i’m tempted to say there is a third classification of people here. they are different from the first two because they try to change things. they know, they see, and they don’t accept. life is tough for them, do they ever win?

and who am i? oh i’ve been all three. maybe consistently have taken one role for each part of my life and maybe you could look at me and tell which role is responsible for which part. and there is my trade-off. trade-off no winners no losers, no gains no losses, trade-off. it’s everywhere, it’s powerful, it spans the entirety of the human experience.

here continues another post, another piece of my writing that just’s an anonymous glimpse into what bothers me, what i think about. why do i generalize the very specific things that bother me? i do this when i have no one to talk to. i can’t be too specific on a blog. i’m anonymous. this is anonymous. you don’t know. do you even think you know? i’m sure you don’t, you’re just reading after all. absorbing information. i say this because alex told me. i’m so general, it’s just a blurry lens view into the very specific problems of my sad life. just gratuitous generalization. oh come on there are more than three types of people when it comes to that and to be honest there is nothing special about the concept of a trade-off. special to me only, special to me only now.

i like using names for things that are uncommonly talked about and repeatedly pointing out those things with those names. my favorite example of this is eye-contact. eye-contact is a very powerful thing, use it wisely! i didn’t want to talk about that. now i like to point self-deprecation. it’s everywhere! you can learn a lot when you realize what people are doing. often they are exhibiting self-deprecation.

actually i don’t want to talk about self-deprecation either. some people do it, some people don’t, most people never say anything personal.

waiting to hear back from this renter. i may have finally gotten an apartment. that will be nice but it will also be scary. i’ll actually be a resident of california. greattt. sometimes i wonder what other ppl think of my life. like if they can’t believe that i moved to san francisco. i think it’s just because i can’t believe it. it’s too hard for me to believe. sometimes i wish i was 18 again and in boston. being foolish, being skinny, probably smoking a cigarette. i think back and i really like that feeling. the weather in boston can be nice. the weather in san francisco makes me nauseous, no literally. it’s way too humid here and cold. it’s a bad combination, do i look like a fungi?!

anyway back to being 18. god that was great. i was on my own then! every part of my life was solely mine. no one knows what it was like except for me. and i can tell you right now that i had something to write in about all my big general thoughts. i’m always nostalgic. now i’m just thinking about everyone else’s story without me in their life. i’ve always been so boring. all the people i’ve met and loved. waking up every morning, getting dressed, brushing their teeth. livin their lives. going back to sleep. all without me. it’s probably my saddest thought.

heaven

yes i’m a huge dork

heaven :)

blogs and japanese “honorifics”

for the first time in a long time i started reading other blogs. so fun, i wish i was less tired and less stressed so i could read more. i wish i didn’t always think i had things to do. that’s an art. the art of not having things to do. i want to go in training.

i haven’t talked about it much. it’s sort of my little secret. but not for any reason. i’m basically addicted to detective conan. i watch the streaming anime on the internet. it’s so easy, to think that there was a time when i couldn’t do this on the internet. just type in “detective conan episode XXX” and voila! instant tv.

and because of this detective conan addiction, i now am obsessed with japanese “honorifics” (as per wikipedia). i’m not sure how common the usage is but in anime they use it all the time. i think it’s kind of romantic, maybe makes it less awkward to address people? i dunno people seem friendlier in anime, i guess things aren’t really like that in japan. oh well.

this blog really needs to be redesigned. this design i have is so lame, it’s all green and shit. i have some ideas but i’m always so lazy. i’ll make it my highest priority.

ep nothing much else to say except stress is a killer!

oh, hello

no, you won’t find a rant here. no no no. actually i haven’t been thinking about many things lately. i think because i haven’t been getting enough sleep. not for any reason in particular. i guess i just work late then get caught up unwinding all night. never realized how important it was to unwind before. it seems almost essential.

it’s saturday night. 9.30pm. half of me wants to go out, see what’s out there, dare to attempt to have fun. meet new people, laugh casually, remember i’m human. the other half (or maybe a little more) is dead tired, wants to sleep. there is another side that that just has lots of worries. so much internal conflict, that’s definitely not happiness. well, duh. dunno what to say. so hard to be satisfied.

i am listening to this song. it is called “every time we say goodbye” played by john coltrane. listening to it reminded me of being home. saturday night, in my room, on my computer, listening to jazz, probably talking online or something else ridiculous. listening to jazz reminds me of being in high school a lot. mornings riding the bus or rail. letting the bittersweet sounds of john coltrane, bill evans, and miles davis relax my mind. the build up, the minor chord change the same old shit. rough life, sad life, happy moments, small victories. somehow i understood it, i absorbed it. but is it real?

i guess i’ve been more down recently than i usually am. i really haven’t been taking care of myself. just nothing really to look forward to. that and i have this neverending tendency to feel sorry for myself. i’m pretty sure no one could ever really understand. sometimes i feel like i’m not being who i really am. but is there a place in this world for who i really am? that’s my question. has anything ever provided the real me with positive feedback?

music is amazing. i know everyone has carved out their own little mechanism for appreciating music. mine stems from this tiny feeling i get whenever there is an interesting chord change, a redeeming verse, or even just continuing euphony. it feels like a hint that there can be perfection in the world. like there is a right way to do things, there’s hope for the future, there’s mystery in the past, and there’s beauty in living. my favorite things.

maybe that’s why most jazz listeners listen to jazz. but i guess it depends on what kind of jazz. i guess i’m just really into cool jazz. just because it sounds so thoughtful, so idealist, so subtle. the importance of subtlety, the subtlety of importance. it would be great to meet a person who felt the same way about subtlety as i did. subtlety u know? it’s a secret language. vessel of communication. i feel like i know there are people out there who speak it, and the entirety of their being speaks it. oh whatever, i’m a freak.

that’s it

number one thing in this life that i don’t understand

and the answer is…

people!

people are SO contrived. i seriously think it’s an evolutionary adaptation (?) to be a completely contrived person. i mean someone who does things that make noooooooooooooo sense. people who hide information, people who actually think communicating how they feel is a weakness or a bad decision somehow or something to be embarrassed about or something. and i am at such a disadvantage because here i am constantly trying to learn how to communicate better everyday, what’s the fucking point. i should just lock myself up in my room and be mysterious. post mysterious pictures of me on the internet smoking a cigarette or being in some weird place. lol the world is fucked up. yah! that’s what i’m frustrated about!

sometimes i wonder, “am i an enemy?” lol actually i NEVER wonder about that because i think it’s complete nonsense but sometimes people throw me completely off that i have to start asking the most ridiculous questions. sometimes i feel like ppl treat me like i’m a threat to them or someone to watch out for. maybe an outsider? sort of like an outcast? sometimes people i know will enemize me for no apparent reason and i’m like “huh?” seriously i intentionally pose no threat to anyone, i’m just trying to be happy in this sickeningly unhappy world. am i alone in that feeling? maybe i’m a tool? i worry about that too sometimes.

maybe i should just become a completely fucked up contrived person. lol. yeah right hahahahha. jk jk

contrived dishonest people suck rly bad. their way of life is seriously fucked up. it’s like people who lie through their teeth it’s so obvious. sometimes it’s satisfying to call them out, sometimes there’s no point left. crazy monkies!

k i’m done. i won’t go on about this because i’m pretty sure this is my life’s rant. i’ll always be the honest fool. eyes so honest, transparent. that’s probably what annoys people, the lack of face. all their robotic daily motions robot to robot face to face. i’m just like huh? sorry that i didn’t act like i was listening when i wasn’t, truth is u just made no sense. could you repeat that? oh? people usually just pretend like make sense? sorry, won’t find that here.

oh u said something i don’t agree with, yep i’m actually not agreeing with u. oh? people usually agree with u? sorry! u aren’t always agreeable. deal with it, change ur program. let’s talk 4 real. no no no, i didn’t say let’s argue for no reason. i said let’s talk, communication. talking actually means also listening. yeah isn’t it great? this is how it feels to connect to another human being. i know it’s such a great feeling, u should try it more often.

oh wait i have another one!

yeah… oh? people usually laugh at ur jokes? sorry! not everything u say is funny. actually, most of your jokes are horrendously offensive. yeah, but wait! just because i didn’t laugh doesn’t mean i don’t like you, having a rapport with someone is more than just being able to laugh with them. i know, so counterintuitive!

anyway, yeah. the reason i wanted to write about this was that someone defriended me on facebook! oh god, i know it’s dumb. but it really made no sense, especially considering the other people that were still friends with them. i just wish i could understand why, like what did i do? or what do i represent? what emotion was brought up when they were reminded of me that caused them to remove me from their friends. i don’t especially care about the person, i really just want to know why. and then u will probably want to know why i want to know why. oh my reasons are simple, i’m going nuts because i’m worried that my image or whatever i represent doesn’t match what i intend it to be. wah wah wah. yep i know, tough world, u can’t always control that stuff. and i don’t want to, lol that’s a lie. ugh i just want to know what it wasssss. i’m so clueless. that and i feel like my friends are always looking for reasons to hate me!

i’m not gonna ask why because i have no faith in contrived ppl anymore. zero faith, i know they would probably either not respond to my question or make something up. no use. oh well.

time for bed, did u know that i love detective conan?

opinions

six billion people on this planet and counting. everyone has their own opinion. isn’t it amazing?

even more amazing, what goes in to forming an opinion?

two strangers with the same opinion is sometimes a recipe for two friends. sometimes not always.

can u even judge people on their opinions? do opinions even really exist or is it how we fill in what we don’t know? aren’t we all presented with the same information? it would help.

what about preferences? muscular skinny long hair short hair brown eyes blue eyes tall short white black. something else is behind an opinion.

just wondering. i prefer girls with long hair, long shiny dark brown hair. curly or straight it doesn’t matter as long i can run my hands through it and it smells nice. is that so wrong? you decide!

the communication problem aka dear friends aka attention friends

hello friends

i keep this blog because i know that in this modern world of day to day consistent occupation it is difficult to keep up with the people you care about. or are curious about, think about. boy do i know! i’ve tried keeping in touch with people from afar and it is one of the hardest things ever, if not phone tag it’s im tag, or email tag. basically living your life far away, and at that busy one, maintaining friendships is difficult.

at about 3.31am PDT kemi reminds me that keeping a blog is not enough. no, communication is about a personal touch.

i just want to remind the people who know me. i left everyone, i left my entire perfect life. *poof* it’s all gone and i will never see it again, even if i wanted to, things are much different now. and not only that, this new life sucks. i hate it. my life sucks. i hate it. i hate san francisco. i hate it.

i know you want to say to change it. that i can just up and change things. it’s not the time yet. trust me i have made quite a large number spontaneous irrational decisions in my life. not the time. so i’m temporarily stuck living a shitty unhappy life. it’s a price i have to pay, another roll of the dice.

i’m sorry if i haven’t given you quite the attention you deserve. if i haven’t reached out and tried to get in touch with you. i have some reasons. here is one. obviously i still haven’t adjusted to moving yet. i still don’t even have a stable place to live! i’ve been working non-stop and also adjusting to a new job. lots of things to worry about and do, just lack of time, mental resources.

here is another. i have tried to get in touch with some people with no luck. i just get ignored. that’s really discouraging taking the first reason into account. with these failed random examples i guess i just expect someone to randomly sample me. oh but it never does! ppl never follow up, i can’t constantly remind everyone i know that i exist when i myself need some reminding of that.

here is my last reason. when i tried to say goodbye to people. when i made time to say goodbye, i don’t feel like very many people really cared. i don’t really remember anyone saying “i’ll miss you!” or “we have to keep in touch.” there were people! but not many. maybe 3 or 4. i don’t want to embellish my presence in other people’s lives. i’m rly just not that type of person.

so those are my three reasons for seeming to completely disappear of the face of the planet. i really don’t know reads this. i usually just assume the people the comment are the people that read or the people that tell me. otherwise i’m assuming you don’t read this. are you reading this? this? this?

sorry that i flew to cambridge and didn’t tell anyone. how could i have told anyway? how could i find the time to say hello and goodbye to everyone. kemi said i should have thrown a party but usually parties != quality time. and i just wanted to spend quality time in cambridge. making conversation, talking about my feelings, my life in san francisco (or lack thereof! lol). i’m obsessed with conversation and talking about my feelings and my thoughts, u should know that. that’s all i wanted to do. to be honest though, i was in cambridge for less than 48 hours. i just wanted to be conservative and spend as much time with kate as possible.

anyway! i am coming to cambridge for about a week sometime in september. if u read this and you think that is interesting news please drop me an email. while you’re at it, you should just write me a long email. i love long emails. better than christmas. in fact you should feel free to contact me whenever. i am guaranteed to get back in touch with you sooner or later. rly i am! i always do.

another blog post!? u must be joking

do i look like i’m joking? no, didn’t think so.

in fact it is… 4.42am and i am still up! i played poker tonight and got home at 12.40am. god, i was talking so much shit about how i would win. actually i was kind of winning for a while but then i got bored and bet all my money, lol. yeah i shouldn’t play poker anymore, it’s so boring. it’s only fun when u exaggerate everything but that gets old a little too fast. i’m really just not the type.

so why did i stay up if i got home so relatively early? oh dunno. i started talking to ppl online, started reading some websites. i really wasn’t planning on writing in my blog but then i started to read it (cuz i got bored) and then i found out that my posts weren’t as bad as i thought they were. so then i was immediately inspired to write more. but again, it’s hella late! i wrote that psychic post during the day today but it was so lame. i think the whole dance is really fun, what more can i say? being human is fun. being discreet is fun. being complicated is fun. and i can acknowledge that.

hey i am pretty sure u didn’t just read anything i wrote. in fact i am pretty sure u just scan when u read my blog, oh well u lose.

i miss having rurik around. rurik is great because he doesn’t care what he does. i never have to worry about being boring around him. we just do whatever the fuck. like we watched not one but two episodes of cosmos! who else in the entire planet would actually want to watch cosmos with me. exactly. srsly wtf, how can no other person on earth not like watching cosmos? ppl have actually fallen asleep while watching it with me. ugh!!

and that is how much i love my fren rurik. but i’m pretty sure lots of ppl love that dude. he’s got that quality. he basically doesn’t have anything to worry about, i’m pretty sure he’ll have friends wherever he goes. although it would be nice to be like that, it just doesn’t fit me! i’m too caught up with who i am, i think. oh whatever, everyone is

actually i was lying about cosmos. my good friend kristopher pabon introduced me to cosmos, he was also a very good friend. but yah i left him in miami.

another good thing about rurik is that he’s basically the only person that i can talk to girls about. everyone else is hella awkward about it. they either get the wrong idea and start talking about how they would love to “come in that bitches eye” lol, yeah right as if i think about coming in the eyes of girls on a daily basis. if not that, they get awkward in another way and avoid the topic at all costs lol. w/ rurik it’s pretty natural and fun.

so yeah i love rurik, so what? sosososoos what?!? but to be honest he is just one in a handful of the good friends that i have had in my life. they were all good, too bad i’m all alone now. life sucks yo, growing up sux. if you’re a grown up go suck a fat one. yeah seriously, ur way of life blows so badddd. all ur boring conversations. either we talk about stupid boring uncreative things and avoid communicating or we have an argument, a pissing contest if u will. can’t people muse and imagine and joke without all that bs. like actually talk about nonsense or maybe even say things w/o hesitation, fear of ridicule. too much of that i’ve noticed. people say boring things that have been said, always. i’m so so done. i can’t wait till i get my guitar fixed. i sent dugan an email and i told him that i’m going to start an acoustic pop band. lol it’s funny because manny told me he’s into making “pop music” now too. ijust have a major scale carved onto my brain.

when i was in high school i use to whistle a lot as i would go from class to class. actually i always whistled. i stopped whistling as much just recently because i’m usually in a room with seven other guys and i’m pretty sure they don’t want to hear my random high pitched whistling. also people do this thing where if you whistle something and it sounds remotely similar to some stupid tune they’ve heard before, they’ll just start whistling that. as if u were trying to whistle that, oh god! no i just whistle lots of random notes in the c major scale and try to make it interesting. anyway back to my store about high school. one day as i was leaving english and heading to econ/govt this girl in my english class (who i was told had a crush on me) was like “ur always whistling in c major” she was in band so i’m pretty sure she knew her shit. lol i remember being like “oh wow rly, u can tell?” and she was like “yah!” i that was the end of the conversation because at that point he hallway had reached critical mass and i was floating to my next class. god

man high school. i used to have this great big idea of my future. never thought i would actually graduate mit. now look at me. stuck in shit-hole-cisco. if anyone in your life ever reads u the book “oh the places you’ll go” or even quotes from it, they are completely fucking braindead. not even joking. i’m just giving u ammunition in case u never had to be in this situation. at the end of senior year of high school my english teacher (who was 26!) read it to us. i was like “you got to be fucking kidding me” when i was 18, i was fucking eighteen years old. i was having erections and masturbating, how could anyone even think of reading that book to high school seniors. lol. but of course i remember all the turds in my class being like “awwwwwwww” lol it’s almost too funny now.

i like being able to read people. god gave me this gift, i can just look at people and read them like a book. all the things they say, i just know why they say it, what they’re compensating for, who they’re trying to impress, what they think of me. lol just kidding! i don’t know shit. i only know sometimes, but i love those times when i know. it’s just so comforting, i think it’s because i usually feel like everyone knows more than me about this crazy scary life. when i can see that people are just trying to be a person just like i am, it’s good to know that i know as much about living as someone else. that i’m not alone. because i’m oh so lonely! i usually just want people to feel good about themselves. it’s like the first step to being happy or accomplishing ur dreams or self-discovery, whatever how would i know!

i read this book once called narcissus and goldmund. it’s about two people. one person is this scientific, straight-laced, greek, latin man of the mind. his name is narcissus. the other is this emotional, confused, sexual, artistic man named goldmund. the book is mainly about goldmund and his life’s journey of self-discovery or understanding. it was fun to read, fun to think about this dichotomy, science and art, thoughts and emotions, knowledge and experience. i won’t spoil it for u.

and i won’t tell you why i brought it up either. if you ever care to understand me, you’ll read the book and find out why. then maybe you’ll feel like you read me. read me like a book borrowed from and consequently returned to the library. then we’ll both know that we both don’t know shit about living or why.

u won’t. never in a million years will u ever do such a thing. why? because u are too wrapped up in your own life, in your own days. no matter how hard you try, you’ll never read that book, EVER. trust me i’m psychic i know.

i am psychic though. seriously. rick and i used to play ultimate guess who. this is how you play. each player picks a character from guess who. each player gets a single turn to guess the other players character. i won twice. how did i know? is it luck? no, i’m just psychic!!! or there is enough information content in rick’s subtle human reactions to single out a guess who character and somehow my body is just that good at picking it all up. you decide.

anyway it’s official. i will be living for the next year with a mr. albert ni. i’m hoping for this place in the lower haight. keeping my fingers crossed. u know, buena vista park. right above duboce triangle (my current crib). FAR from the mission. but not far from fidi. ohoho look at me i’m a sfologist. omg the mission sucks. can’t stress enough how much i hate it. it’s such a trick, just don’t live there. it’s overpriced and definitely not worth it. and when u tell ppl u want to live in the mission they’ll be like “ohohohoh ur dumb” but they won’t tell u that. they’ll say “oh yah ah cool”. i told u i can read ppl!

that is that time for bed i am out $5.48 price is right

post rock

do you think people can be psychic? do you think people can share some sort of connection even when being miles apart. do you think two people can feel each other thinking about each other? i do, sometimes.

i used to think being psychic was real, that the brain had a not commonly understood method of communicating and acquiring information beyond our normal everyday five main sense. after thinking about two people though, i think it might be more than that. could it be that maybe our brain or our being is just vaguely and subconsciously aware of information that our conscious usually ignores. and then maybe we just subconsciously communicate in non direct ways. i think that would be very interesting. imagine! maybe i am communicating with you right now in a way neither of us are conscious of or understand yet we probably will act on it in the future. all we do is process information and react, how many different information pathways are there, how many different mechanisms we don’t understand?

i’ve never taken a class on psychology but i would love to read something about. i’ve heard this idea called the “collective conscious”. but how does it exist? how do we communicate with each other? i’m thinking about something much beyond words, beyond direct actions and body language, or maybe not.

lol i was listening to tortoise while writing this