the light

so many thoughts

i think a lot. maybe too much. lol probably not too much. i don’t think that much but i have a lots of mental dialogue. just about the things people say or maybe my delayed reactions to the way people act. sometimes my thoughts are wordless. instead silent acknowledgments of information.

i think communication is really important. i’ve probably said this before in some other way. it’s easier said than done that is for sure. i don’t know how often it happens to you but sometimes i feel held back to say something. i dunno why, i think it’s never rational. i think it’s important to always extend yourself to other people. let them know that you would listen and not judge them or think bad of them or some other bullshit. people don’t do that enough. i try to do it as often as possible but i forget. with all my friends i try to be as open for business as possible but that doesn’t always work. sometimes it takes more than that.

i miss a lot of my friends. not just my recently departed friends. being alone i’m really starting to miss my friends from high school, miami, earlier days. i miss rick, manny, alex, chris!! paula, pabon. my life in high school sucked for real. SUCKED but they were good friends. they really helped me get through it. i keep thinking to myself that i’ll get back to them after all this. after dropbox i guess? after san francisco. but will i? will i just let time go on and on until it’s all run out. will there ever really be an after? can i single-handedly do anything? being alone i think about all this stuff quite frequently. i think about my family too. all the time, all all all the time. lol i told you i think a lot.

i’ll be honest. i hate san francisco. i know that isn’t helping at this point. maybe i just need a vacation? it’s just. i don’t think i’m fully ready to start a new life. that’s what this is right? maybe 10 years later i’ll be like “how could you have not been ready, you were 22 you damn fool” well you don’t understand! how could anyone understand. i liked my old life. i liked my girlfriend i liked my friends. i keep thinking there is a reason i am here but being alone fucking SUCKS it SUCKS SO BAD. it’s like why am i even alive, i could die tomorrow i’d be without everyone i love. it sucks. i wonder how many people have thought about this and have dealt with it. i wonder how many people have done the exact same thing as me and have thought about the exact same things i have thought of. i wonder how many people think about other people, how much other people matter, what matters to them. i think most people are oblivious to this. i really do.

anyway sorry that i hate my life, esp to you lauren. i know you think it’s fun to meet ppl like mc hammer and chamillionaire but it isn’t. a lot of people like the idea of being famous or well known or going to cool parties where there will be “people” there or it’s going to be “big”. that stuff is so so sooo bogus, so superficial, so meaningless in the end. in the end no one gives a fuck about you or the fact that you were even there and the people that do don’t matter. so what, someone took ur picture? you were in some magazine? on some website? who cares, it’s so temporary. in a week everyone will have forgotten.

i think its much more fun to hang out with your friends. but a good group of friends. it’s so wonderful to be a part of a group of friends that actually like each other. i can’t tell you how good it is. where no one is judging the others on what they do or what clothes they were or has some ego trip. where you can just be yourself and be happy. i think that’s all i ever wanted growing up. i’m probably just idealizing but i think that’s so much better than trying to meet people. meeting people suckkkks. you almost never meet anyone who’s worth it. by worth it i mean someone who you’ll talk to again, actually have a real conversation with. everyone just has too many walls up, coming against the communication barrier. i am convinced that every social situation architected for the sole purpose of people meeting other people is an automatic failure in the sense where success means at the least 5% of the people who actually came struck up some kind of friendship, potential trusting relationship. it just doens’t work and i’ve never ever met any friend that way.

oh rian, maybe it’s you! nope, not this time. i should conduct a poll, hmm maybe even a survey about this. maybe all adults in the range from 20-30, hell even 40. i bet you everyone they ever met was either a shallow hookup or a shallow < 40 minute conversation about something completely not worth talking about.

lol this got way too negative. i just hate how shallow the world is. i don’t blame anyone or anything in particular. i think it’s just how the world is. or maybe some by-product of grouping humans in larger numbers than was possible 30,000 years ago. it’s sad it really is. lol

maybe it is all me? maybe if some freud wannabe read this post they’d be like “oh yeah it’s obvious that you just miss your old life or you aren’t living the life you imagined” can i change it? i guess my circumstances can’t really change anytime soon. i should probably just make the most of it. easier said than done. everyone in san francisco is alone. i feel like that’s the vibe of the city. being alone and miserable. i’d love to know people who aren’t alone and miserable in this city, i haven’t met a single person. it’s all probably just me. i want to make the best of it but i just don’t know how anymore. what i want is my ppl. i was always so concerned about being away from my family when i was in boston and now what did i do? just went further away from even more people. following more and more dreams of grandeur. my life wasn’t ideal but my life wasn’t ideal at home either. i hated miami. i always like i was in an armpit. in the middle of nowhere and ugliness.

you know what i woudl really love! to be out of the city. fuck the city. fuck the city. the city is disgusting. it’s full of disgusting scenery and disgusting people. all cities every one. everything is just gross and depressing. i wish i was with a lot of people more in the countryside. somewhere far out where the night sky was illuminated with stars. COVERED. where no one was stressed out and just doing their thing. always. and in the day, the day would be wonderful. sunny beautiful, grass trees fresh air blue blue skies. but still the most important thing would be the people. good friends. funny friends. all that would be missing is the food. food is a big problem. sigh. sorry for the rant. nothing has changed otherwise. lol

some random thing

it’s late late at night. i’m on my couch in front of a blank tv looking at gina’s flickr pictures. they are nice! i like them all, fun things to look at.

i’m missing my old life. i’m missing me in cambridge but not cambridge just my life in cambridge. oh fuck it. i just miss kate. miss miss miss everything else is so boring marginally worth it.

it’s late! it’s 236 am pst. est tat is 536, basically morning. i hate being three hours behind. it’s like i’m behind on everything it’s like i’m on a different planet, might as well be. i hate the city. i hate hate hate hate hate hate it. what if i lived in the country? prolly would hate it. ppl are never happy wherever they are but i hate hate hate the city. full of concrete. i looked at the stars today

boy are the stars beautiful. it was temporary comfort in a sea of discomfort. i loved the stars. just to look and wonder. what else can you do but wonder. wonder wonder wonder. wonder about my existence my point my love. it’s basically the only thing that made me happy apart from being with kate. happy because what else is there when you look at the stars. just wonder. to look and wonder and there is nothing else. when i’m grown up i’m going to have a place where i can look up at the stars whenever i want to. just sit and wonder. you know that’s when i grow up, whenever that is.

i went to this techcrunch party tonight. i really didn’t know the premise, rajiv just sort of sprung the idea on me. i got sort of drunk. okay i got drunk. it was still boring. i did get to talk to a lot of nice geeks tho, they were nice. a lot of people like dropbox. that was nice.

oh yeah i didn’t even say it. i met chamillionaire AND mc hammer. seriously seriously seriously. i never in my life thought i woudl meet mc hammer. the entire time i kept thinking about when i was at pabon’s house watching tbn and hammer was on there talking about god and jesus and how i thought i woudl never meet him. there he was on this pool lounge chair. and there i was, drunk as all hell. i got an autograph for my brother but i really think i just got the autograph for me. the more i think about it my brother is me. i’m my brother. we just live different lives but we’re really the same person. that doesn’t make sense to you but it does make sense to me. everything about me that is different from my brother is just superficial really, we’re exactly the same. at least i think so. i’m just this person. i take everything at face value. my reactions are delayed by five minutes. there aren’t many reasons for my existence, just to take care of my family, prolly have children. love my wife. whoever she may be.

i had this dream last night. it was a nice dream, pleasant. it was about this ghost in my house. i found him in my living room. i asked him who he was and what he was doing there. he said it was none of my business, that he was recording my life. i asked him why and he said that i wouldn’t understand. i found my mom and told her about him. we got a knife and threatened him to leave. he started to talk out of the house and took a half step through the wall. before he finished the step my mother tried to slit his throat. he took the knife and said “the young live for free, even you have nothing to worry about. this young man dreams of having a son of his own.” and he pointed to me. it was comforting for some reason. maybe because he was telling me that i would have a son. can’t tell you why that is comforting. never thought too hard about having children, let alone a son. the idea still comforted me. what i would tell my son about life, about this life! after that the ghost stabbed himself and fell dead on my bed. i thought he was a messenger from god. he probably was.

so i will have a son! you probably think it’s weird that i’m excited or even happy about that. procreation seems like a happy thing to me. the mere fact that one can even procreate. continue a line and boy do i have a line to continue! i used to think about how my children would be cousins to my brothers children. i hope that we both have children and they look different yet they would be related. lol they would probably like each other. i wonder if i had a boy what girl would he marry, or what kind of boy would he be. would he be like me, just some super nice guy. or would he be a little more worldly, self-aware? who knows. i wouldn’t care either way, as long as he was smart and conscious of the important things, tried to make  life as best as he could.

makes me think of my dad. my dad called me today but i didn’t feel like talking to him. he always talks to me about dropbox and business and making business deals. it’s really annoying. he doesn’t listen when i tell him that we aren’t at that stage yet. he doesn’t listen in general. a lot of people don’t listen. they just have their preconceptions, definitely how my dad is. i wish i could just talk to him about how things really are. you know, life death, love hate, daily life being a boring person. those kind of things. maybe he would understand? can’t understand how he’s gone through nearly 30 years of working. must have just flown by. just like life flies by now for me. work work.

i’m falling asleep. no one even reads this anyway. all the better. if ppl didn’t read this at least i woudl have some tangible evidence of my existence at this point in my life, what my thoughts were like, what i thought about. if ppl do read this then that is good for them (lol kate probably was just disgusted by that). seriously it is good for you. i can’t say how, but it is. my life is either an image of your life in the future, or what it could be.

i wonder how some ppl view life. for me i always think life could be worse, i hardly imagine how it could be better.  it could be better if i didn’t have to do anything, i could always be with my family, friend, and kate but that’s just not realistic. maybe it is.  maybe i need to start thinking that is realistic. and do that. that’s another thing about life, it’s just what you make it. most people make it shit.

and i think that’s it tonight. so tired. i read ur blog lauren i even left a comment. and yeah!!! that was so random, i’m glad that out there somewhere my name was on a fence. my name. don’t you know my name? rian!!

you are -> rian

i twittered about this but

whatever

compiling code

compiling code sucks sometimes. usually compile c code isn’t that bad, maybe a HUGE project will take you like 10 min on fast machines these days. compiling verilog is actually a huge pain, never compile that, just don’t do it. you’ll write some code, need to test it, 10 hours later oh it doesn’t work. writing HDL for high level stuff is bad, DON’T DO IT. unless you’re algorithm is streaming you won’t reap any benefits. instead just do some SoC dealy. lol i hate the word dealy so much.

so that’s what i’m doing. compiling code and it’s taking SO LONG on my vm. vmware sucks sometimes. to be honest. i wanna switch to xen, lol yeah right.

this post isn’t all about computers. i just broke the ice that way. i just haven’t written in a long time. i’ve been sort of busy. i guess just working a lot. trying to sleep a lot. not paying attention to other things. it’s hard!! i guess i just focus a lot on work and getting stuff done. lol still no apartment yet. we are going to hear back on a place on the 25th.

private

this blog is going private i think. i think i am getting a lot more traffic than i did before? actually let me check. brb. hmm it just looks like tons of robots are indexing my blog now, without any other increase in traffic (like actual ppl) lol. oh well. i get tons of spam comments for every type of stupid drug. oh god this is getting boring

sorry!! i went to boston last weekend. it was so great. it was so so so so so great. it was amazing it felt so good. missed kate so much. what sucked about it was leaving. what also sucked was going there and then comming back. from san francisco it’s such an exhausting trip. i saw rurik too. he is supposed to come to berkeley for some conference he is attending. we planned to go to ubucon too but i couldn’t find it on the internet. we got really drunk and i wrote funny stuff on my blog. i was being so weird. i missed kate so much though.

sometime else happened when i was cambridge. when i lived there i felt like i belonged, well not so much belonging but i guess i felt like i lived there? it’s hard to explain, somewhere between belonging and living there. over the weekend, everywhere i went just seemed like some place. just some place, no relation to me. i felt like there was nothing there i wanted to cared to be apart of. no new prospects, just some place. kind of like a dead place, like a ghost town. even though san francisco is crazy it doesn’t feel that desolate, it could though, probably faster than cambridge than cambridge started to feel that way. mit just seemed like a building, i didn’t even think about wishing to take a class or anything. it was just a place, not a place for me. really hard to explain.

i think that i was seeing it for what it really was. if i never left would i have ever realized that it didn’t have any relation so me? would it be a realization, something that was real or just my perception? maybe it’ll be the same in san francisco. i’ll leave and it’ll just be some ghost town. full of ghosts. i tried to talk about the cambridge ghost town to rurik, he said he didn’t see it. probably because he hasn’t left yet. not sure if it means anything that i left. will it actually be easier to go somewhere else now? not just rot in some ghost town. dunno dunno

i have to write some ppl emails, i keep forgetting so busy. this entry was so incoherent. i keep thinking about my dumb build.

hello

this is my second post. it’s all about the real life you know the real things. like ho

im a ho

ho

ho

hey my friends

hi lauren obviously you are the most important

give me my eprops

hooray!!!

i made a splendid dinner tonight. one day soon, after i have my own place, i will throw the BEST dinner parties for my splendid friends. it will be a grand feast! there will be wines and rich delicacies from around the globe. oh i just can’t wait. check out the current iteration of the rian diet:

1. organic cage free boiled eggs
2. grilled / baked fish, tilapia or west pacific salman
3. salad: broccoli, spinach, onions, limes, tomato, avocado, g&r bell peppers
4. honey for sweetener
5. almonds and walnuts
6. plenty of water
7. yogurt
8. cayenne pepper, garlic, beans, and rice
9. oatmeal / shredded wheat for breakfast w/ whole organic milk
10. fruits! banana oranges, limes, peaches, plums, apricots, grapefruit

remember, this diet is constantly in flux until i get it right. lol i wish i kept some of the old revisions of my diet around, they were pretty extreme. my diet has become much more well-rounded and down to earth since then.

so give me my damn eprops, eword to your mother, eholler

yeah so dinner was amazing. unfortunately since i am living ALONE i was the only one who got to enjoy it.

i started reading steinbeck’s east of eden. it’s really good in that steinbeck way so far. in case you didn’t know i’ve read more steinbeck than anyone else (excepting k.a. applegate or r.l. stein lol). that really isn’t saying much, i’ve only read cannery row, of mice and men, and grapes of wrath. grapes of wrath was really good. really eye opening. i read it around the time that i wanted to become an activist (the same time i watched cosmos and an inconvenient truth). i was practically driven to become an activist. it’s much harder though. you really have to commit your life to it or be a really strong person. at the time i wasn’t strong enough or had enough time to commit to anything else other than school.

speaking of school. wtf i graduated from mit? that was fast. lol

after east of eden i think i will try reading some more joyce another favorite author of mine. really looking forward to reading ulysses. i also want to read moby dick. being a writer must be really interesting. always thinking, always introspecting, looking for lessons to learn, things worth writing. i think writing is another one of my possible paths in life, lol next to activist. next to pilot. next to energy entrepreneur. next to musician. i used to write a lot to alex. i used to put so much effort into the things i would write her. i have all my old emails at home. haha might publish them one day. maybe under a title like the writings of a undersexed 16 year old.

there are other good authors, like hemmingway and kerouac. kerouac is sort of annoying though. i find it funny that i went through so many phases so far. when i was younger i always expected myself to go through a lot of the things most people go through but at the same time i never thought i would reach the point where i could look back and be like “oh yeah back in the day.”

back in the day

lauren link me to ur blog

happy fourth of july!!!

one year and a day ago space faces was born. now the spaces faces are no more. omggg funny to start a band, gain some non-trivial momentum and then just let it die. lol a lot like survey master, except, survey master won’t die.

fourth of july is my least least favorite holiday, for personal, environmental, and safety reasons. the first 4th of july i can remember is at the first house my family used to live at before my parents got divorced. i think it had been already been established that every year my dad would go out and buy some fireworks and we would light them off. i used to loveeeee fireworks. so so so so much. they were like a new video game, or maybe a more accurate comparison now is that they were like falling in love (lol i fall in love everyday, with the same person). the firework i remember most was this little car thing. i think i picked it myself (probably because it was a little car). when you lit it, it sped off and probably caught on fire, lol. something not very impressive but i remember being so happy at the time, just to see that. those fourth of july’s were fun.

the next couple of them went like that. when my parents got divorced i don’t exactly remember what happened. i think the first year my dad bought us fireworks and just let us explode them alone. that was when i used to wonder how sad his life must be that he was on his own during the holidays and we were all together. maybe it was thinking like this that changed things. after that period i think i remember always hanging out with my dad on the fourth of july, until maybe the time when stefan and i were in our early teens?

that was when i started to hate the fourth. i remember staying with my cousin one year and calling my dad and telling him we were going to stay there. it was because we used to love sleeping over his house when we were young and it had been like 4 or 5 years since then so we thought it was a great opportunity. lol i think that was when he was going through his limp bizkit stage. anyway i remember sitting on his dad’s truck feeling pretty shitty and not hanging out with my dad. i think it was at that point that i had ruined the fourth of july for myself.

after that the “tradition” of being with my dad for the fourth of july was dead. he no longer expected us to come, i guess because he thought we were getting older and more independent. so the fourth just became stupid. i just hung out with my friends then. they were still excited about fireworks but i remember not even caring anymore. i think i realized how different everyone’s experience is and maturity level and desire mechanism. i think it was then that i started to wish i was much younger again. yeah i completely forgot about all those complex emotions!! when i was going through puberty i was always emotional about being younger again, because i thought life was better not just because i was young but maybe the circumstances of my life as well. maybe my life sucked between the ages of 12-18. lol.

i don’t miss my childhood anymore but i think that’s because my life started to not suck when i got to college. that’s funny. how your life can suck and you just cope with it or accept it. i wonder if my life sucks now.