the light

this nonsense

it started snowing last night. mist. snow drizzle. this morning it was coming down a littler thicker. it’s completely stopped now and people are walking back and forth back and forth across mass ave. how boring

i have so much to do today but i don’t know what to do. where to start. i just figured it out. urgency!! knowledge!! some sense of security!!

lol i just saw egg back and forth lol i just saw erich back and forth. oh the peter pan bus. how nice.

it’s been snowing so much here. like one day of intense snow. some days of sunshine. a rainy day. more snow more snow.

so i figured out the wave equation. i thought about it and it eventually all came to me. math and physics are really fun like that. now i want to simulate fluids. there are these things called the navier-stokes equations that are pretty central to modeling the way fluids behave but they seem really complicated. i think it’s non-linear. i just told gb i wasn’t ready for non-linearity :( another thing is that wikipedia also notified me that there is a whole field of research into simulating fluids, aptly called computational fluid dynamics. great. there seems to be a tutorial but i am afraid that that will just further delay me from reading a book on subject proper.

why do i care so much about fluids. well i want to create a real-time fluid simulation for my 6.111 project. yes!!

a good fluid dynamics book and a good functional analysis book would make my day right now. also a cvs camera.

la dey

dah dah kin dah kin dah dah dah, dah

toroid semi toroid sixth dimensional toroid dah dah

kin dar dominus

occupation got a girl she’s nice she do me nice. do re mi. dominus.

see you at swarthmore this friday

mface needs a new home

i love this blog. i can’t imagine not writing stuff like i was in january. life has changed since then, let me tell you!

so i think i am done writing about inferiority. i really don’t know what i am talking about. after being so discouraged about people it helps to write about things like this. just getting it out and describing your thoughts on it. but now i am done. i’m done being discouraged too. it rly only discourages me but i don’t need to be discouraged so i don’t care.

kate’s birthday was yesterday. we had a nice calm morning and late afternoon then got this delicious ice cream cake. it was delishess. i think yesterday was a really good day for me too. it was the first time that i completely just forgot about all my problems and just lived like i was myself again. ate cake drank wine. wine is so good.

what? space faces in the boston globe? lol

i need to get my cvs video camera. got instructions.

real friends

you all might be really sick of me talking about inferiority and insecurity and all that stuff that will always be present in human culture but i feel that i need to touch upon one last thing. that last thing is the notion of a “real friend.”

as long as i can remember there have been people who were obsessed with this concept. constantly trying to weed out their unreal friends. i finally realized that this is yet another example of inferiority complex. but how?

probably because “cool” people or well adjusted people are perceived as having lots of friends, lots of connections, hey yo yeah bro wassup. people who aspire to this “cool” person image (inferior people) then think they have to have a lot of friends. i guess when they realize that just knowing a lot of people doesn’t mean you have a lot of friends, then they continue the quest for lots of friends. since it gets harder after knowing a lot of people they get aggressive, raise their requirements for friends and start weeding out people. lol.

it’s funny because it’s always like they can’t wait to weed out people. i think this is another place where the inferiority complex comes in. the ppl they usually aim to weed out are usually the ones they feel inferior to or are jealous of. they are always looking for some excuse, some situation where they can legitimately say that that person violated their definition of a “real friend.”

so anyway in the end their definition of “real friend” is just anyone who they aren’t jealous of. i guess that seems natural, they want to start a social group where they are the perceived superior, the leader. although if they ever do finally start their own group where they are the superior they still will constantly keep trying to weed out others because inferiority isn’t real, it’s all their self-image. they will never feel like the superior as long as their self-image is still inferior, as long as their life doesn’t become the superficial image they were always aspiring to (and of course it would never anyway).

if you ever find yourself trying to distinguish between your real friends and “people you just know” ask yourself “why am i doing this?” it really doesn’t matter. just let people be who they are and cherish the fun times you have with people. does it really matter what superficial classification you give them?

inferiority

i finally read that entire inferiority complex article that i posted earlier. it’s so good. i realized that a lot of ppl i interact with exhibit insecure behavior. some ppl have it really bad and some people have it more subtle. it’s funny and sad and annoying at the same time. i feel inferior at times too but i dealt with those inferiority issues a long time ago so i kind of forgot it. superiority/inferiority is like a figment of your imagination in this day and age. the modern world.

maybe in the past when ppl could knife you for your land then maybe it mattered more. these days it just seems like there is a much lower probability of someone knifing you. yeah also when ppl talk about smart ppl and stupid ppl i kind of just roll my eyes. i am more prone to distinguishing people between having manners and being civil and being a barbarian and no house training.

but being a barbarian can be good. like if that’s what you’re into. farting in public, cursing in public, saying jokes that probably offend other ppl. if you find you can live a good life that way then keep on.

i’m just so into this topic yo!! i can’t help it, i’ve been noticing so many things. and i don’t really think about it, i just pick up on it. ppl say certain things or act a certain way and a red light just goes off in my head and it’s just this awareness. an immediate knowledge of the inferiority dynamics going on within that person. lol.

inferior ppl are so bogus though. i wish they would just be honest about their ancient deep-rooted feelings of inferiority and be rational so we could get over it and continue on with our lives. oh well, that was probably an offensive statement to ppl who people who deal with extreme inferiority. sorry, it’s really that i just want to be able to sanely communicate with you. probably everyone does.

anyway i am on kate’s computer and i keep seeing the green peter pan bus stop at mass ave. then there is always this guy and girl kissing before the girl gets into the bus and they say their goodbyes. that must suck to say bye to ur girlfriend on saturday morning, especially at mit when you have infinity work to do. relationships are so weird. i guess ppl commit to relationships when there is a mutual feeling of it being worth it. it’s probably subtle though. let me tell you, thinking about relationship worthiness is probably the least productive, most pointless, least fun thing to do. let me tell you!

so my thing is that what the fuck time goes by so fast. it’s already february 22nd. oh wait 23rd. it’s kate’s birthday tomorrow omgg. i guess it has been a long time. i want to keep a diary again. the days have been kind of monotonous and i forget them. except for the important instances. like playing space faces. i think space faces have been my only recent important instances.

also the first thing i am going to do is get a video camera. i REALLY want one. a lot. i really really want one. i want one more than i want a wii. way more. just something small and portable. amanda had a really good one over the summer that was just like that. i think i can hack one from cvs. i want to. i want it . omg i would take it everywhere.

lost wallet, cayenne pepper, etc

so i lost my wallet yesterday. waiting all night for an email. canceled all my cards today then the copytech dude who was helping me print the gnu emacs manual was like “oh you’re rian?? you have a really cool wallet right? custom made???” actually the story is more involved than that and it involves alison who luckily came to talk to me and ask me what i was doing. so after i printed out my books ($40 anyway) i went down to the mit police to get it. i am still suspicious of how this guy knew about my wallet and why they didn’t email me if they had it for almost 24 hours. would i have ever gotten it back?

do you know about the extraordinary medicinal properties of cayenne pepper? you should! also read the wikipedia page. amazing.

i’ve been getting my errands done. i still have to do my taxes though and start working on survey master again. things that i aspire to. also i am trying to learn algebra, category theory, master gnu emacs, and master python in my spare time. haha let’s see if that’ll actually happen.

i also really want to write an interactive wave equation simulator. i had this idea in high school but i didn’t know about the wave equation then or how to discretize differential equations, blah. i know it’s been done before. maybe i’ll write it in python lol.

space faces are making new shirts woot.

read this today

i decided that i’ll go on with the theme of self-improvement.

“You need to know that other’s criticism towards you will either be an attempt to improve your life, be a release of frustration, or a sign of the person’s own problems. Sometimes you can take the criticism as a sign of you progressing forward in life!”

http://www.earthlingcommunication.com/blog/inferiority-complex-and-the-self-image.php

doing some research for my 4.301 project.

february 16th day of realization

first off, i dedicate this post to barry. a very considerate and civil person and avid reader of this blog.

so saturday was so weird. i had two really weird/discouraging encounters with members of the human species. this made me think a lot about people and who i want to be as a person. actually i thought about a lot of things.

it all started saturday night at suburbia. so at the cavs show, for our finale we did (what i would call) a pure noise breakdown. it was great, i think we all were pumped and i started to get physical and at the final end i threw myself onto the drumset/dugan. we got a really positive response from the ppl at cavs. at our final night playing suburbia i figured i would up the ante just a little and go for a full out physical breakdown. well i did that and while i was at it i apparently kicked a stagelight or two. this did not sit well with the dude who sits by the side of the stage to make sure everything is okay. when we were getting off the stage he mentions something to me like “uh you hit the light!” i put my stuff down and came back to talk to him because i figured something was wrong. when i asked him if everything was alright or if he needed me to put the light back where it was he rudely says “you kicked the fucking stage light off the fucking stage you fucking idiot” i was completely shocked. i looked at the actor about to go on stage behind me and he made a face that expressed all the confusion i myself was feeling. i figured this guy had breached the point of incivility and that there was no longer anything i could do, so i told dugan and gb and we left (but not before asking the other ppl involved in the show if everything was alright).

that was the first time in a long time that i had been so verbally abused, treated in such an uncivilized manner. i thought about it for a long time. i think maybe just a couple of months ago i would have reacted in a much more vulnerable way but after feeling like i was nearly approaching death multiple times i was a lot smarter about it, about the whole situation.

i don’t understand why people are rude like that. i figure it’s because their fathers, other authority figures, or their peers while growing up treated them like that. he must have felt superior to me at the moment or else he wouldn’t have dared to be so rude. after he did that i kept replaying the situation over and over in my head and thinking of things i should have done. i eventually settled on wishing i had said something like “excuse me, who do you think you are? you cannot speak to me like that, you aren’t my superior nor do you have any relationship with me whatsoever. don’t you have any manners?” but i guess ignoring the situation was also good. gave him time to think about his stupidity. it really doesn’t matter what i do next time that happens, i just want to be ready for it. not surprised by it. calm in the situation.

i thought about a lot of things like, why are some people civil and why are some people abusive? are everyone’s parents teaching them the same things? is the notion of a “gentlemen” even real? or is that just an image projected onto the masses to keep them in line? jesus wasn’t a gentleman, that’s for sure.

later, i decided to chill with rurik for a little bit and talk about all this. of course he understood because he always understands. he always understands why i react a certain way to certain things, i don’t have to explain it to him or justify it. he just understands, he understands why i would consider one thing rude and wrong and one thing thoughtful and correct. that’s why i like rurik, sometimes i even feel like i love him. love him as in it would be hard not to want to hug him. after we talked i decided i would go with him to barry’s party. it was him, me, helene, kate and clifton in his car.

the party was a lot of fun. i had some good conversations and i had some awkward ones. i also had some awkward interactions that i don’t consider my fault. i was just hypersensitive to the awkwardness and interpersonal defects of others. i am not saying that i don’t attribute awkwardness to myself ever because i do. sometimes i react awkwardly to other people but that night i don’t think i was too awkward. my mind was too clear too conscientious too confident after what happened.

anyway this drunk person who shall remain nameless decided for some reason that it would be constructive to corner me and pretend to be intimidating and personally threaten my life. after already having dealt with extreme incivility just hours earlier i was so ready to deal with this petty situation. it just seemed ridiculous at first, then when i realized that he was being serious (for god knows what contrived complex reason) i started to patronize him and reassured him that his muscles were large enough to hurt me if he wanted to and that he was a hardass if that is what he aspired to in life. he looked a little mentally deranged (and dare i say mildly retarded) so i don’t think he got the idea, i guess maybe he was waiting for me to recoil in fear. i have little to fear these days. i told him that he should just kill me if that’s what he actually wanted to do. he slapped me around for a bit and then eventually lost interest and continued on with his priority-confused life.

later on he apologized. i asked him why he did it and he said things like “did what?” “i didn’t do anything” “what are you talking about?” i found it funny that he was comfortable with threatening my life but uncomfortable with taking responsibility for his actions. children always want to play like adults but never realize the responsibility associated with it. anyway i played the word game with him for a while until i told him that i superficially accepted his apology but that i wouldn’t be able to actually trust him until he came clean about his intentions or thoughts during his actions and explained them to me. otherwise what’s to stop him from doing it again and acting like it didn’t happen? i don’t really need to surround myself with company like that. maybe i would also trust him under the condition that he believed that jesus was the son of god, died for our sins, and was resurrected in flesh back to heaven. lol but that’s a long shot.

after that i just lay on a bed and hung out with perry. i kept thinking about a lot of things. tons of things. millions of things. mostly about civility and what is wrong with human culture. as if i had the capacity to actually reason about those things. the only two concrete things that i reasoned were 1) people will often act like they are confused (play dumb) when they would rather not answer a question and

2) that everyone is so indecisive, people hardly make conscious decisions in their life and just let fate make the decisions for them. sometimes that is good but i think that is mostly wrong. your life will just pass you by if you are too scared to make a decision, state a preference. i think the reason people like to do this is because it lets them avoid having to discover who they are, what is important to them, what they want to do with their life, what they like, what they don’t like. too bad.

also if you admire someone and think that they have everything all together and your life is a miserable mess you should know that NO ONE has it all together. everyone’s shit is fucked. you should never forget that. everyone is scared everyone is worried it’s all just an act. everyone is an actor. drama people are the worst.

this layout sucks

web page layouts suck. i’ve decided that people blow at designing web layouts. seriously. you know why? because i thought that i blew at designing layouts but even my layouts are better than all the free wordpress ones. i think i am just going to adapt my layout for wordpress and finally please myself. pleasure myself.

omg rian hunger i thought you updated your blog everyday wtf happened? it was life. life happened. do you know what life is? life is unpredictable! i feel great writing that because who could ever argue otherwise. no one knows.

so yeah when i was little life was pretty unpredictable but i didn’t realize it because i hadn’t learned to think ahead yet. when i learned to think ahead then naïvely i thought life was predictable. i guess i’ve been following that living strategy for a while now. after coming back from peru, fearing that i had multiple diseases and then finally surviving and recovering nearly completely i’ve learned some very important things. things which have significantly changed me.

one thing. the mind is a very very very powerful thing. if you can imagine it, it will probably happen. oh i mean to say, if you believe in it it will probably happen. you can argue with me for hours about how that isn’t necessarily true and i will ignore you while silently understanding that no decree is 100% true in all case. if you want to be a happy person you have to forget all your bad thoughts. when you have a bad thought and the little angel and devil are making their cases to you, just listen to the angel. find comfort in what the angel says and just continue to live your life. read a book, play a video game, practice your favorite hobby, something! choose faith over fear always please

another thing. life is unpredictable! i already said this. you know people (including me) get really sad when they have this nice plan for some immediate future in their life and then something completely unpredictable comes in and ruins it. i am pretty sure that life will constantly throw situations like this at the human race. when i say unpredictable things i mean like really bad things. who cares? seriously who cares? terrible things will happen but you have to learn to make lemons into lemonade. with adversity comes opportunity. it’s just the way life goes. stop crying about it! deal with it and continue! read a book, play a video game, practice your favorite hobby, something!

i guess the theme in those two things is to appreciate now. now is the most important time of your life. just appreciate living now. appreciate it and exploit it. now now now. the future is a figment of your imagination. continue and embrace now.

one last thing. god is real. i’m sorry that it doesn’t make sense to you. that there is no scientific evidence or some other kind of tangible proof that god is real. i can tell one thing, god isn’t real in any tangible sense. i claim that god lives on a completely different plane of reality, a different notion of reality. yeah, i just might be saying god is all in your head but what isn’t real about that? what isn’t all in your head? we are seeds in this life and all we know is what we see. there is a voice inside you that you are ignoring. listen.

and that’s all. merry saturday!

ps. space faces have been amazing lately. inspiring. fun!!! we have been playing the intermission of dramashop’s production of surburbia and for me it’s been mostly average but yesterday. omg. i felt like we played better than we’ve ever played in public. we also played at the giant art party at cavs on valentine’s day too. we had a couple of good moments. i think most people enjoyed it. we are definitely changing into something. maybe a band?

pps. so i’ve been on this strict diet for the past seven days. grapefruit, yogurt, walnuts for breakfast. big salad for lunch: spinach, broccoli, red peppers, green peppers, tomatoes, lime, olive oil, salt. freestyle for dinner but try to include a smaller salad. try not to eat anything fried or bready. it is amazing i feel amazing. i am going for another month to see what happens.

the spatial color transformer

finally! freaking finally!

so if you keep up-to-date with this blog it shouldn’t be news to you that in november my idea for my final computer graphics project was to make a spatial color transformer.

what does that even mean? basically, what if you could transform the color space of an image (the rgb values of each pixel) using the basic linear spatial transformations that are common in computer graphics (rotation, translation, scaling)? well now you can find out! the cross-platform spatial color transformer is finally here, with source code!

i made a web page for my new application and you can download it there but since i figure that most of you are lazies i’ll provide some links here:

• GNU/Linux
• Mac OS X 10.4 and up (PPC only for now)
• Windows 95 and up

go nuts!!!