is what i’ve been doing with this poor blog.

i made that mistake once in life and let me tell you, it was horrible. i learned that there is no point in taking your life and the things that make you sad too seriously. although this blog did benefit, a lot, i think. all my evil suspicions of this planet were put into writing. that part of it was a good time! no seriously, it could have been a lot worse. i was forced to reflect on myself. i forced myself.

and a lot of good things in my life came from forcing myself to do things. no, seriously. i can remember multiple occasions. you can only learn so much from comfort. i have changed a lot though. i feel so much more human now. i used to perform, think like a machine but its not hard to imagine why it was better to be like that. i would say that potential demise brought out the best in me. demise seen from far out in the distance.

i’m really not trying to tell a sob story. it’s just that everything is so different but when i look back things were always changing. i remember this feeling of self-amazement when i would be in a new place and talking to new people. the self-amazement is gone though, i guess it’s because other people rarely impress me now. the older you get the less people impress you.

and why is that? well i would love it if someone were friendly and open about themselves and willing to smile and have a conversation about who they are and where they’re going. people are so private about who they are and what they are trying to be, what they want to accomplish and how. it seems like even the most intelligent people are private about their good ideas when it would do the world much good if they were just open about sharing it with the world. people just want to perpetuate some image of themselves that they’ve settled for. i see it all the time. it would be great to meet a person who was focused on being more and helping others become more.

i haven’t been so great either lately but it’s been great for learning about myself. not every lesson leaves you with a pleasant taste in your mouth.

okay i love you bye bye

maybe it’s that i don’t have much time to let my thoughts take root and grow. or maybe it’s because i don’t talk to a wide variety of different people. well, i am working on it!

i miss a lot of my friends. this is usually true but lately i’ve just been swamped. i can never understand how this happens, disorganization? laziness? people try to figure out why people don’t do things but no one really knows.

aside from being disorganized and distant from many people i care about, i am doing well. this summer has been something. i thought it would be so uneventful, maybe i’ve already wrote that. a lot has changed and i have changed a lot as well. i’m learning more about myself. it’s strange that it actually happens. you know you always hear some random person talking about how they didn’t know themselves and it’s like “duh.” but i understand now. you don’t know how much you don’t know yourself until you see yourself. do as many things as possible and the road to self-discovery becomes that much shorter.

i mostly like what i’ve discovered about myself. i think this is what i’ve always wanted to be but that would only make sense. some people will say “be more.” yeah, yeah. more more more. more.

it seems complicated. it seems like there are even feedback loops when trying to apply logical reasoning, imagine all the neurochemical responses.

i just don’t really get it though. you’d think at this point in history we’d have learned how to overcome fear and wield it to our advantage. after all the pain and loss and death that happens, that has already happened. is each person so thick-headed, so lacking empathy, and dumb that they continue to let fear dominate their lives? hardship is part of the human experience, is courage not something we can teach?

lol okay, i know. i should really be sleeping. it’s just hard to sleep in a different time zone.

sorry that’s just an excuse, i wasn’t tired. i’m basically already night-shifted. partly for a good reason but today not really.

but i’m happy to finally write in my blog again. i hate letting it stagnate. broken links and out-of-date websites just depress me. they depressed me a lot more when i was a kid, when i used to browse a lot more diy websites. i don’t think so many websites go out of date these days, they’re all so polished and commercial. still, that feeling always comes back. i wonder if it feels like exploring ancient city ruins. what could have been here? what was it like when it was new? ancient civilizations are actually very fascinating.

as it got later and later i was feeling worse and worse and more like i should go to bed but then at some point i started to feel inspired. but the inspiration wasn’t so much about being home, i’m still very confused about how i can enjoy my time here. the inspiration was more about being pure and who i want to be, standing up for what’s right, owning up to the people you have wronged. i’m not exactly sure why i am thinking about / feeling those things. it just came to me, it felt good.

i also got a little nostalgic. i never really get too nostalgic anymore but i started to think about all the people that have been in my life. it’s strange how i think about most of them like it hasn’t even been so long even though it’s been many years, i’m sure facebook has a lot do with that. it’s a double-edged sword the way the world expands as you get older, things you thought were important slowly dim in importance, people you thought were unique slowly blend in with everyone else. this sounds like old age. it was actually fun living in a tiny world making futile grabs at larger and larger pieces, being locked into what’s around you. the entire world is at my fingertips now, what’s important is now just what’s important to me. it always was, i know. it’s just less evident when the space of possibilities is much smaller.

crescent moon out tonight.

i’m in my mother’s apartment.

i’ve been here for three days straight.

it’s not just not having a car.

it’s also like a sauna outside. at all times of the day.

more accurately, it’s like walking past the back of a running air condition on an already hot day.

it’s horrible.

but it’s not just it being hot outside either.

what would i do? in a short period of time? alone.

i guess if i were more of a go-getter city boy i could hang around in a bar all day, smoke cigarettes, lie on the beach. or if i were slightly more sophisticated i could read for a bit at the library, get a cup of coffee at starbucks. that’s because better coffee doesn’t really exist here. well maybe it does, i don’t really know.

but obviously i’m the type that doesn’t like to do things alone.

jk that’s not really my problem (well maybe just a little) my problem is that i usually need a couple of days to adjust to a new setting. it’s just my way. yes i know i’m making excuses to my own blog.

anyway (anyway)

distance is difficult. do you know that mirah song? have you ever listened to mirah? i like that one album. i liked it a lot when i first listened to it. i actually listened to it again the other day, i remembered my funny less-serious life back then. i didn’t realize it was already five years old then. now it’s ten years old. music has been very weird like that. a lot of the music i used to like that i remember being new is now old. and a lot of the new music now sucks really bad. i miss the music in 2005, i think it was a golden age of popular independent music. maybe it was the internet.

do you ever snicker when i say things like “it’s just my way”? i would!

yes, tell me about it!

“why?” is a good question.

answer? answers?

here is a fact. i should be sleeping right now. actually lately, contrary to everything i’d myself expect, i’ve been falling asleep a lot earlier. i like it. i’m under the general impression that more sleep is a good thing.

there are so many “general impressions” in my life as to what is good and what is bad. and when the possibility of the general impression not being met is considered, then i wonder how important really is meeting the general impression. how bad is it really to defect? i wonder. exploring space must be some kind of human instinct. maybe only if you think about it that way. how many different ways are there to interpret reality, real life. so many. will says there are degrees to good and bad. i agree, in a way. degrees are for managing the emotions of people, wrangling the cats. in the end it’s really only yes or no, or long sequences of yes and no.

i love sharing with people. i really do. i love to explain myself but sometimes i really love knowing the things that only i really know. i’m the only expert at myself. that’s comforting but who knows? maybe that will blow up in my face one day. anything is possible.

and so what if anything is actually possible? do you continue on freely with life if that is the case or do you make every decision considering how it changes the conditional probability of future events. i don’t really know the answer. different philosophies, ways of life, ways of thinking about life, real life. i don’t know.

i think transparency is important. so important. i’m not perfect. i don’t claim to be. it’s funny how people are. it’s painfully obvious that no one really has their shit together. people at the top rely on many layers of people at the bottom. so i wonder who are we trying to fool? maybe just ourselves. maybe. or maybe having our shit together makes it easier for people to hand over power. it’s like people who have a deceivingly large number of twitter followers. you just look stupid in text. stupid trying. but don’t worry! looking stupid is natural, it’s normal, it’s liberating. everyone knows how smart you are anyway. you can speak clearly and manipulate things with your hands. seems pretty clever to me. you seem like a work of art to me. god’s art. but humans don’t have much confidence in themselves, in their hands, in their ability to communicate. let’s give it up to someone on earth who can.

it’s funny how eventually i am always admitting how right you were. i was wrong, you were right. always the same story in the end. i wonder why that is, or maybe i only notice it when i am wrong.

but this time when i say “you” i actually don’t mean a specific person. it’s the collective “you”. all of you. the world vs. rian hunter. sometimes it’s even god. he’s actually never wrong.

of course there are times when i already know i’m wrong. when i don’t get to reap the sweet relief of humility, just the ongoing stupidity of being wrong.

it takes a while.

don’t listen to people when they tell you to be strong. what is strength? just a wall, just self-denial.

and don’t listen to people when they tell you not to look back. what is looking forward? who is to say what is forward and what is backward? who can see into the future? just you. solely you. only you.

é só eu sei.