the light

why is a good question

do you ever get that feeling like “where the fuck do i go from here?”

yes, tell me about it!

how important

why?

“why?” is a good question.

answer? answers?

here is a fact. i should be sleeping right now. actually lately, contrary to everything i’d myself expect, i’ve been falling asleep a lot earlier. i like it. i’m under the general impression that more sleep is a good thing.

there are so many “general impressions” in my life as to what is good and what is bad. and when the possibility of the general impression not being met is considered, then i wonder how important really is meeting the general impression. how bad is it really to defect? i wonder. exploring space must be some kind of human instinct. maybe only if you think about it that way. how many different ways are there to interpret reality, real life. so many. will says there are degrees to good and bad. i agree, in a way. degrees are for managing the emotions of people, wrangling the cats. in the end it’s really only yes or no, or long sequences of yes and no.

i love sharing with people. i really do. i love to explain myself but sometimes i really love knowing the things that only i really know. i’m the only expert at myself. that’s comforting but who knows? maybe that will blow up in my face one day. anything is possible.

and so what if anything is actually possible? do you continue on freely with life if that is the case or do you make every decision considering how it changes the conditional probability of future events. i don’t really know the answer. different philosophies, ways of life, ways of thinking about life, real life. i don’t know.

i think transparency is important. so important. i’m not perfect. i don’t claim to be. it’s funny how people are. it’s painfully obvious that no one really has their shit together. people at the top rely on many layers of people at the bottom. so i wonder who are we trying to fool? maybe just ourselves. maybe. or maybe having our shit together makes it easier for people to hand over power. it’s like people who have a deceivingly large number of twitter followers. you just look stupid in text. stupid trying. but don’t worry! looking stupid is natural, it’s normal, it’s liberating. everyone knows how smart you are anyway. you can speak clearly and manipulate things with your hands. seems pretty clever to me. you seem like a work of art to me. god’s art. but humans don’t have much confidence in themselves, in their hands, in their ability to communicate. let’s give it up to someone on earth who can.

you were right

it’s funny.

it’s funny how eventually i am always admitting how right you were. i was wrong, you were right. always the same story in the end. i wonder why that is, or maybe i only notice it when i am wrong.

but this time when i say “you” i actually don’t mean a specific person. it’s the collective “you”. all of you. the world vs. rian hunter. sometimes it’s even god. he’s actually never wrong.

of course there are times when i already know i’m wrong. when i don’t get to reap the sweet relief of humility, just the ongoing stupidity of being wrong.

it takes a while.

life isn’t nice

don’t listen to people when they say that what you feel doesn’t matter. human beings are mean to each other. people don’t think relationships between two people are important. it’s the only thing that i think is important on earth. but i’m old enough to know that it’s only important to me.

don’t listen to people when they tell you to be strong. what is strength? just a wall, just self-denial.

and don’t listen to people when they tell you not to look back. what is looking forward? who is to say what is forward and what is backward? who can see into the future? just you. solely you. only you.

é só eu sei.

friday

one, i drove around san francisco. drove. with a car. it’s amazing. i feel so lame being behind the wheel (you know, feeling like a responsible adult driver) but it was also empowering. in any case, still it was a milestone for me. my good friend ryan petersen is to thank.

two, hi. hi.. all the neat curve balls. i walk around and it’s pitch miss pitch swing swing. swing hit run out pitch swing miss out. i guess a home run is a lot sweeter when the ball’s a little harder to hit. seriously, thanks.

cryptic/soulmates

this blog is cryptic. i don’t write about exactly what i feel. i write it in codes but i thought that’s how people did it on the internet? i thought that’s what made it fun. it’s fun right?

a personal blog page is nice but i can imagine it being fun to be apart of livejournal or something like that. or maybe i am too old for that that now. i think i just might be.

anyway if you are wondering if this post is about you, it is! i just hope that you can be as cryptic as i can. or other things like that.

a year ago i met a girl who told me she thought we were soulmates. first of all, i can’t name a single thing better on this earth than a beautiful and pleasant girl calling me her soulmate. second, yeah i mean, soulmates? really? i had just met her so i thought it was a bit silly even if it was incredibly flattering. i was all fucked up and jaded then that the idea of soulmates just sounded immature and inexperienced. now when i think about it, she was probably right. there are certain people you meet and you just know it will work. it’s magic. it took time to relearn the magic of soulmates. i had to first meet the people that didn’t respond to me in any meaningful way.

now i believe in the idea of soulmates. not that there is only one that will ever satisfy you but that it’s a group of people. people you should probably stay close to. people just like you. equals, partners.

also more

hello

tuesday? engh

yawn city.

i’m so tired right now. i think i could probably just fall asleep. it’s only ten o’clock too. cachichi gave me the fountainhead to read but i’ve been so busy with work work to read it. i’m ashamed of myself, really.

i’m supposed to learn spanish this summer. es un poco extrano porque ya puedo hablar en espanol si debo. no todo el tiempo, pero mucho veces si. puede ser no estoy correcto. necesito una persona para practicar! no pienso que la palabra “correcto” es correcto. si pudiera hablar espanol… es muy importante para mi.

so i’m excited for that. also i’m excited to finish my new compiler. that’s about it for this summer. i was hoping to learn how to drive but that is going to be difficult. i need to buy a car first and then i need to figure out where to put it. i knowww i don’t need a car but the idea of being able to go anywhere is so exciting! at least i wish to drive zipcars to go places. like the beach, like we are going to the beach soon. i have this old bicycle that i never ride. i should probably just pump the tires. i.e. i need a bicycle pump….

see how many things i need. vez cuantos cosas que necesito?

wow

one thing is for sure. i hate sunglasses. you know they look cool sometimes but really, i hate them. the first reason is that i can never tell if you are looking at me. the second reason is that you look so adult. i never liked adult on you. is that how you want to look? it’s more like youth imitating adulthood. that’s cute. i do like that.

well, it’s a process. of learning. yes i learn. yes i know. people hardly change. at least i know that i rarely change. i always know what i want, sometimes it can take a bit of time to act on it. maybe that’s my biggest problem. it’s not exclusive to me. everyone has that problem.

a problem i do have is that it’s so impossible to sleep. i hate that. i hate that some people have no trouble at all sleeping. i also hate that some people are just so damned happy and carefree. i don’t hate them for it. i’m just jealous. being happy is hard. being carefree is hard. maybe if i try hard enough. or feel it.

people dominate how they feel. over and over again. i have so many friends that are just like me. trouble sleeping. not carefree. is it possible?

if you know the secret, please tell me. i want to have a frank discussion about lifestyle. people are so embarrassed to frankly comment on their own lifestyle, myself included. i wish i understood how to be satisfied and live carefree and happily. i guess talking about it with someone wouldn’t change anything. i just mean, peace. i feel like you can only find peace by yourself. because it’s your own peace. you own it.

ownership is important. i own this blog. you can’t imagine how much i love that.

figured it out?

hey life

thanks.

thanks for all the neat curve-balls.

it keeps me on my toes, it really does.

but there is something just a tiny bit sick about always being on your toes.

i just want to catch all of them.

it’s in my nature. it’s simple.

anyway

really, thanks.

i figured it out

there are just a lot of private emotions going on inside of me right now.