the light

this light is annoying

okay so at first i was a fan of this standing glow tower ikea lamp thing but really now it just bugs me. it’s like always glowing and not really moving. not really that bright. i feel like i should be in the jungle getting shwiggity with the rest of the avatars but NO. it’s just my room, there are no hot avatars in sight, this isn’t the space jungle.

i had a fast weekend. fast and long. strange how that works. im glad it’s over, in a way. i wasn’t really planning on feeling anything extraordinary at the end of this weekend anyway. i went out each day, drank freely, smoked freely, ate freely, thought freely. i think about my younger self and his ideal weekends, or ideal life. hah.

i spent my sunday working obsessively on my parsec-based C parser. let me tell you that parsing C is nowhere near as easy as writing it. it’s surprising to me how unnecessarily loose C syntax is. but i guess the problem isn’t so much parsing as much as it is canonicalizing the abstract syntax tree. i figured that since i have to write a smart parser to deal with the first/follow conflict due to typedefs syntactically being the same as identifiers, i might as well have a way to deal with the arbitrary ordering of keywords in the declarations. but lkajsdfjgjajsdf indefinite array types are also another weird quirk. if you’re left asking the question “but parsing C for what reason?” oh you’ll see.

i just wish that things wouldn’t go so quickly. i guess all that is left now is for me to pick up the pieces of my old shattered life and grow the fuck up. i can do that.

in the mood

ouch! just poked myself with a power plug.

happy saturday. the weather was nice today. i got up so late. even though i had lots of fun on thursday and friday this has probably been one of the most hectic / stressful weeks since i’ve been in san francisco. but enough about san francisco!

i’m really just glad it’s saturday. i’m happy to finally arrange my furniture and put my clothes away. and all my things. i have so many little trinkets. it’s tough to find new homes for all of them. lots of papers and drawings by people i used to know on a daily basis. now very very very very very rarely do i ever see them. yes this is the adult life. so free-form and open to possibility, sort of. on the surface. in theory.

it’s like everyone’s birthday all of a sudden. january, february, march, april, may. birthdays like crazy. i like it.

okay fine. i really don’t have much to say right now. i probably shouldn’t say anything. i really only just like to type. i like the motions of my fingers gliding, pressing, tactile feedback. it’s a good feeling but without anything real to say it’s pretty worthless. i need to change the design of this blog. it’s starting to bug me. it made more sense when i was flying across the country every month. 72,000 miles a year. it’s funny how long distances are so trivial these days. i wouldn’t be impressed until the numbers were in the millions mwahaha

okay i’m done. you look to me like misty roses.

but i really do

the feeling of being needed is nice. it’s hard to let someone know you need them in the right way. it’s hard to accept being needed in the right way. hard is not the right word =) i guess i mean unlikely. it’s unlikely that it happens that way.

my new place is nice. i’m enjoying my bed in such new ways. somehow it feels bigger and it feels softer. and when i lay on it i want to instantly fall asleep. it might have to do with the fact that i’ve been so exhausted lately. too many random things happening.

that’s it for now. never was a big fan of spring.

can’t sleep

where do I start?

okay so my last post was really negative. I know. hard to understand where my mind was or why I was focused on all those unimportant negative things. it’s just that sometimes I get discouraged about everything. all at once. must be human.

well it’s really easy to get discouraged by just about everything. it’s also really easy not to. I don’t have everything I want and I’m not the most ideal person right now. I try and try but sometimes I feel like I’m trying but I’m really not. there are certain things in life that are like roadblocks. number one roadblock is a telephone call. distance is difficult.

I’m getting older. ugh I know I mention this all the time but it’s just so strange. responsibility, planning, direction. it’s just so strange. I mostly just feel like I’m in a strange position for my age. it’s very new fuck

that’s the thing now. everything is so new. things that I don’t want to be new. but they’re new, new in my face. and I look back to old blog entries and I can’t believe that I’ve already said it all and I think about the people that used to read. I’m like the only one who reads this now. it’s cause I suck at the telephone or keeping in touch in general. you know what else I suck at these days? email. I’m so horrible at email. I forget to email people all the time, people that I really care about.

I’m spending my last night in my apartment. this also makes me feel weird. I’ve been here for a year and a half and I’ve never really have known happiness or comfort in this place. now that I’m moving out I kind of feel like a failure. mostly because I’ve been living here for so long. I should have just moved out months ago. and I wonder how many other things in my life am I not paying attention to. i think about crap like that all the time. what am I lacking? what do I not yet know I’m lacking? what do I not yet know that I need? kids don’t think about stuff like that. why should I? why do I always have to be so prepared?

anyway better late than never. so true. I was walking down the street today and this homeless guy said to be “better to pretend to be dumb than to pretend to be smart” god what a fucking weirdo. why is he so caught up with pretending. as if everyone is pretending. sure, you’re right. everyone is pretending. in fact everyone is repeating the same patterns they’ve known since they were children, great observation.

my point is that it’s not even February 2010 anymore and I was done talking before February 2009 was even over. and now it’s suddenly a time warp and I’m moving and it’s like I never even lived in my current place. because nothing has changed and something was wrong. also I get irrationally attached to weird things. must be human.

you’re making a fool of yourself

it’s sad how much more often i have the urge to say this to people lately. people are always saying such nerdy, unfunny, or inconsequential things. i want to say “you don’t have to be so unfunny” or “you don’t have to use an exclamation mark there” or “you don’t have to be so unfunny, really.” even though it’s the fastest way to make your life completely meaningless, i like twitter because it shows you how meaningless everyone else’s life is. well i guess meaningless is a little harsh, pathetic is a better word.

we have this big life to live. it’s so big it’s hard to avoid how confusing it all is. how foolish you must be to pretend that you aren’t confused. and if you’re not pretending, well then you are just very short-sighted or stupid because look around you. none of it really makes any sense, everything you claim to know is just a figment of your puny imagination. okay here let me demonstrate:

i am good at this
and he is good at that
i am good at this because it is easy for me
and he is good at that because teacher says so
i like that i am good at this one little thing
i feel good when people notice that i am good at this
i feel bad when people notice him for being good at what i am good at
because i do this, i cannot be good at that
and because he does that he shouldn’t be good at this
i am good at this
and he is good at that

it’s this whole cog-mentality that bothers me. it’s just like, why is everyone so fucking uptight? why is everyone such a fucking lemming? why is everyone’s mind so closed and single-tracked and weird? what is even stranger to me is that i am 24 and these things aren’t children’s quirks anymore. adults are fucked up. grown people shouldn’t be so devoid of originality and independent thought and rationality, right?

it’s been such a long time

okay so

everything is meaningful you fool!

“you’ll forget about me after i’ve been gone”

it’s a boston lyric. i used to think about it constantly when i moved to san francisco. i was worried about my girlfriend (now EX) forgetting about me. of course she did. integral person that she is. i mean a person full of integrity. but yeah what more can you expect from someone aged not more than 30, 25, 20. i think she was 21. still too young. me myself? well even though it makes me sound like a huge douchebag, or maybe even worse than that i think i was mature enough (despite me being aged 22 years) to handle a serious long distance relationship. hey! i was trying to live my life. i was trying to make a future.

i am still trying to make a future. i am still trying to trail-blaze. of course you don’t even fucking know. and it could make me sound like even bigger of a douchebag but i don’t think you even understand how. but that’s okay. i am still trying to trail-blaze i am still trying to make a future.

i am still here. trying. i am still here doing. getting there. and i think this is exactly where i thought i would at this point in my life. as for you, i do not know what you wanted where you wanted to be. and i think you still don’t know. does it matter what i thought, what i think? nonononono.

nono.

it does not matter.

anyway i love memories. i love past hopes. i love current situations. i love it i love it, i love it. i love the power that is in my own hands. i love it. the power that is in my own hands. do you even know?? do you even understand it? i do not think you do. i can envision it, see it. i see it. i see.

okay sorry masturbated for a second.

anyway,

i haven’t posted for some time now. what is new with me? well, i do a lot more impersonations these days! i love impersonations. it’s one of the greatest things to do. to capture a person in a voice. it’s so fun. what else is fun? knowing a person. kissing is fun.

what else?

i am not so depressed as i used to be. i guess that is apparent by the decreased frequency of posts in this blog. sometimes i wonder if i should just stop. i don’t think i will. believe it or not this blog is not as vain as other blogs. it’s just words. i don’t delve into all the stupid adventures of my life like other people do. it’s just internal thoughts and internal struggles. those will continue, forever. even when i die.

by the way, do you ever think about death? it’s really scary. suddenly ending. suddenly never seeing tomorrow, no more possibilities, rotting into the ground. i think about it. years and years and years, i am not fully okay with it but the more that i think about the more that i think an after life must exist. i hope that you have thought about death and the afterlife. it’s not just crazy voodoo. the light means something in this context too.

congratulations if you’ve made it this far. by the other way, have you ever seen shin-chan?

choice

i want to say that

i was happier three years ago

because i truly was

but to say that would be like denying the happiness that i could have now

because none of it is real anyway just in my head

and i never want three years ago to be the peak of my life. it was all so dumb.

just some pretend feeling anyway

when we get together

i am so amazed by the wonderful things people can create!

you think it and then it becomes real. it becomes real.

by hyadain:

there’s no memory of my life.

i don’t even know how to love.

in the boundless world.

what’s the reason i’m alive?

you say humans have their emotions.

you i could be apparatus.

world is black and white

tell me reason why i’m alive.

how come my power is not the same as others?

where should i go?

i still wonder why i am alive.

there’s no memory of my life.

i don’t even know how to love.

in the boundless world,

what’s the reason i’m alive?

1991

i stay awake

i had a dream about you.

that i was happy to have,

because i’ve missed you so badly.

but it’s annoying when there is absolutely nothing i can do to fix that.

:(

come back

ple@se?

and i miss you

january has been very weird. so weird. i’m glad it’s nearly over. so i can get on with february.

because february is the month of my birthday. yess.

oh great. birthdays actually suck now. everyone is getting older. my twenties are beginning to wane. ugh why is life so hard and depressing. don’t even try to argue with this.

lately i have been reading a lot of biographies on wikipedia. trying to relate myself in the myriad of success stories and failures. people do great things in their forties. my twenties feels like a relearning period, realizing that living a real life is hard. but that’s okay. it’s only so hard.

bye!